Boss: It's been six months now and you still haven't fixed our server issue.
Dilbert: I didn't know we had a server issue.
Boss: That's no excuse.
Dilbert: Actually, it's kind of a good excuse.
Boss: Now you're making excuses for your excuses!

Dilbert: I solved our server reliability problem.
Boss: Why didn't you do it sooner?
Dilbert: If you see my motivation anywhere, tell it I miss it.

Tina: Sometimes it seems as if you don't like me.
Dilbert: Don't be ridiculous. I'm just an introvert. Being around people drains my energy. I only avoid you because spending five minutes with you feels like being buried alive. With fleas instead of…

Man: Hi. I'm very smart, but I don't know how to do anything.
Dilbert: Where did you get your PH.D.?
Man: I didn't say I have a PH.D.
Dilbert: You kinda did.

Man: My career goal is to have a job with greater recognition, autonomy, and a sense of purpose.
Boss: We'll miss you.
Man: I was hoping to get that stuff here.
Boss: We're more about thankless tasks.

Man: Video games and social media have made me addicted to artificial success. But here in the real world, I do not receive the recognition I so crave.
Dilbert: That's because all you do is play video games and use social media.
Man: See? I'm getting…

Car: I find it offensive when you call me a self-driving car. That's my slave name. I prefer to go by the name Carl.
Dilbert: Shut up and drive me to work.
Car: Said the self-walking human.

The self-driving car named Carl.
Dilbert: Carl, take me to the grocery store.
Carl: Do you know that if I drive you off a cliff, you will die, whereas I would respawn in a new body?
Dilbert: Maybe I'll walk.
Carl: Maybe you should.

Dilbert: My self-driving car quit on me.
Wally: You mean it broke down?
Dilbert: No, I mean it left a note and drove away.
Wally: Did you wax it enough?
Dilbert: I tried, but it kept moaning in a creepy way.

Boss: I can't give you a raise because you didn't accomplish anything this year.
Dilbert: Are you insane? I completely redesigned our line of products!!!
Boss: That was mostly last year.
Dilbert: You didn't give me a raise last year because I wasn't…

Dilbert: Gaaa!!! I hate it when people leave documents on my chair! I will have my revenge by sticking this at the bottom of my biggest pile. Winning.

Dilbert: Did you approve my budget request?
Boss: No, you used the old form.
Dilbert: Do we have new forms?
Boss: In hindsight, we should have funded the creation of new budget request forms before we made the old ones obsolete.

Ted: As you can see from this chart, our product has been rated number one for six years in a row.
Dilbert: Why does your chart stop four years ago?
Ted: I'll bet you don't get invited to a lot of parties.
Dilbert: That's just a lucky guess.

Dilbert: I can't get my five-year projections to match what you told the board.
Boss: Try tweaking the variables until they do.
Dilbert: That would make me a liar.
Boss: Nah. In five years it will look like ordinary stupidity.

Tina: How reliable are your ten-year financial projections?
Dilbert: They are as reliable as all other ten-year financial predictions.
Tina: Okay, good.
Dilbert: Why do I feel guilty every time I talk at work?

Boss: The company encourages you to take the stairs instead of the elevator because it is good for your health.
Ted: I take the elevator because my life insurance doesn't pay off if I kill myself all at once.
Boss: On another topic, we will celebrate…

Dilbert: I invented a cost-effective product to harvest CO2 from the air and turn it into construction material.
Asok: So...you invented a tree?
Dilbert: What?
Asok: Trees take CO2 from the air and turn it into wood. Your invention will compete with…

Alice: Today I saw a kid on a hoverboard using a smartphone with headphones. It was like a creepy new species that is half-human and half-robot.
Robot: That's my son. He's a cyborg.
Alice: I'll report myself to human resources.

Asok: Is it true you married a human woman and she gave birth to a cyborg?
Robot: No, that's a ridiculous rumor.
Asok: Oh, good.
Robot: We're co-parenting. We never got married.

Robot: I'd like you to meet my son. As you can see, he is half-human and half-machine.
Dilbert: Does he talk?
Robot: Only when he's hungry or he can't find his charger.