Dogbert consults


Never insult your co-worers directly.

Instead, undermine their confidence by pretending to be helpful.

Wally: let me know if you need help fixing the grammar in your slide deck.

Alice: what?

Dogbert Consults

Never call your co-worker a colossal moron, That could get you fired.

Instead , say, "well, aren't you special"

Dilbert: Are we paying you for this advice?

Dogbert: well, aren't you special.

Carol: do you have lunch plans?

Dilbert: Aren't you married?

Carol: Im not asking you out on a date, Im trying to network.

Dilbert: The optics wouldn't be good.

Carol: How am I supposed to network in this stupid company?

Dilbert: Maybe you…

Ted: Your idea is great, but I plan to oppose it because I feel diminished by the success of others.

Dilbert: Maybe you could support it now and then stab me in the back later.


Ted: That's two great ideas you've had today.

Dilbert: thank you.

Dilbert: I recommend Ricky to our artificial intelligence project.

He lowers the bar on what constitutes human intelligence, so it will be easier for us to achieve the artificial kind.

I would be honored to work on the project,

The boss: Okay, I…

Asok: I used to have a traditional soul, but I upgraded it.

Now I let the major social media companies control my beliefs and actions through their dopamine delivery systems.,

Dilbert: That sounds like and empty life.

Asok: you old- timers with…

Dilbert: Do you know the difference between data encapsulation and inheritance polymorphism?

The boss: No.

Dilbert: Then how can you manage someone who odes?

The boss; Do you know the difference between managing and bullying?

Dilbert: No.…

The Boss: we've had seven hundred complaints about sexual harassment in the past month.


From now on, employees must wear body cams to r record every interaction.


Alice: Weren't all of this e complaints against our CEO?


The boss: People misinterpret…

CEO: Hey, Alice. Let me give you a shoulder rub in the name of team spirit.


CEO: AAAAGH!!!


Alice: click


CEO: I hate having a court - ordered shock collar.

The boss: I don't see a...oh.

Dilbert: Whats the address for our meeting?


The Boss: You don't need it. I'll tell you where to turn,


Dilbert: With all due respect you are not a reliable navigation system.


You will be using your phone and you will forget to tell me when…

Dilbert: It will take four weeks to build the app, unless there are unforeseen problems.

how often do we have unforeseen problems?

Dilbert: One hundred percent of the time.

Then whats the point of estimating a completion date?

Dilbert: I was…

Dilbert: are these user specifications complete?


Ted: No, I plan to add requirements as you build the app until you have no hope of success and you fantasize about strangling me.


Dilbert: Do you know what isn't as refreshing as you'd hope?
…

The Boss: Alice, I want your honest opinion on my plan. Don't hold back.

Alice: Your plan looks like a monkey vomited on a dictionary.

The Boss: I remind my request for honesty,.

Alice: Your plan is terrific!

Tina: People keep telling me you refuse to admit when you are wrong.

Dilbert: It only looks that way because Im right most off the time and people are too dumb to know it.

Tina: wow! They're right about you being a narcissist, too.

Dilbert: I…

The boss: I need this finished by Friday.


Dilbert: This assignment will suck up 100% of my free time and turn my happy life into a f=death march.


The boss: Thats why we pay you.


You pay me so you can ruin my life?


The boos: perhaps…

Dilbert: The government forced me to put a "kill code" in the operating system for our self-driving cars. Dogbert: And by "kill code," you mean it will bring the vehicle to a controlled stop? Dilbert: No, you're thinking of a "stop code."