boss: i'd like to offer you a job, but ten years ago you said something offensive on social media.
interviewee: i'm not the same person i was ten years ago. you are judging me by the actions of someone who literally no longer exists.
boss: i get your point…

wally: you think i didn't do anything useful this year. so i made a compilation video of my co-workers being incompetent in meetings for comparison.
boss: at least they are trying.
wally: as you can see, maybe they shouldn't.

boss: i hired an elbonian consultant because we couldn't afford anyone local.
dilbert: have you ever consulted in this country?
elbonian consultant: no, but people are people, so i assume it isn't that different from elbonia.
boss: that's enough chitchat.…

boss: i'm concerned that storing my personal information in the cloud is not safe. dilbert: don't be such a worrier. i'm sure we can trust the people who manage those systems to keep us safe.
somewhere in the cloud
dogbert: hee-hee! look at the browser…

boss drinking coffee: they say you can't take your money with you when you die. but does that include bitcoin? because even a ghost can remember a password.
dilbert: why would a ghost need money?
boss: have you never noticed they all wear clothes?

dogbert: the best part about my new job managing the cloud is that i get to laugh at everyone's personal information.
dilbert: you're not suppose to be looking at anyone's personal data.
dogbert: i'm fairly sure it's legal if i only do it recreationally.

dogbert: the only reason i took a job managing cloud data is so i could laugh at people's private information.
dogbert: then i discovered a robust market for selling that kind of stuff, so it's a twofer.
dilbert: we need to talk.
dogbert: sure. just email…

dogbert at laptop: according to your private data in the cloud, you have a mild case of asthma.
dilbert: you can see my personal health data?
dogbert: see it? hahaha! i can do more than that!
dilbert: what is more than that?
dogbert: i can edit it. you…

dogbert at laptop: now that i'm managing the cloud, it's time to make some social changes. i'll transfer any remaining money from low-income people to the rich.
dilbert in bath robe: that feels wrong.
dogbert: i'm just adding efficiently to the inevitable.

boss: you haven't completed the mandatory class on blockchain.
dilbert: that's an introductory class. i'm already an experienced blockchain developer.
boss: the class is mandatory. every developer needs to check the box.
dilbert: just check the box for…

dogbert: are you sure?
boss: i'd bet my life on it.
dogbert: i'd bet your life on it, too.
dogbert: i'd win either way.
dogbert: i can't tell if we're agreeing.

dilbert thinking as walking into conference room: oh, no. i'm here too early. there will be chitchat.
dilbert sitting empty conference room: someone is going to bore me to death talking about their diet preferences.
ted: i only eat figs.
dilbert thinking:…

boss: i hired a futurist to predict where our industry is headed.
dogbert: you don't need to be here. you might want to enjoy the time you have left.
office worker: what?
dogbert: for the rest of you, i see hard work with no rewards.

Dogbert The Futurist
dogbert: i see two potential futures for you. in one future, your brakes fail and you drive off a cliff, dying instantly upon impact.
office worker: and in the other future?
dogbert: it's less instant.

boss: i hired you to predict the future, of our industry, but everything you say makes me sad.
dogbert: don't blame me. i only predict the future. i don't make the future. unless you buy my special platinum level service.
boss: nice upsell.

dogbert: i discovered a way to make time stand still.
dilbert: that isn't possible.
dogbert: i'll prove it. i just need to find something on my phone and show it to you. looking... looking... here it is! wait... no, that isn't it. looking... looking...…

asok: a wise person once said you can't boil an egg with a stick.
wally: no, but i can threaten you with a stick unless you boil an egg for me.
asok: why didn't the wise person think of that?
wally: he sounds overrated

office worker: i still live with my parents because i can't find a job that matches my passion.
dilbert: what is your passion?
office worker: i collect porcelain frogs.
dilbert: that isn't a career.
office worker: how is that my fault?

boss: the labor market is so tight that i had to hire a moron just to fill a position. my plan is to make him watch ted talk videos until he smartens up.
dilbert: how many will it take?
boss: with any luck, fifteen to seventeen will get it done.