carol, asok and dilbert at a conference table.
carol: sigh
carol: sigh
asok: what's wrong?
dilbert distressed: gaaaa!!! never ask about the sigh!
dilbert: it's a trap to make you listen to a distressing story full of woe.
carol: my husband is a hunter…

team meeting in conference room.
the boss: i think of all of you as family.
dilbert: you fired ted yesterday.
the boss: i also sent my son to boarding school. what's your point?

the boss: i can't give you a raise because you didn't do anything noteworthy this year.
dilbert: it only seems that way because i'm so good at my job that i make it look easy and never complain.
alice visually upset and yelling: my job is a nightmare!!!…

the boss: i need you to add a feature to our product because our marketing campaign says we already have it.
dilbert: no problem. what's the feature?
the boss: time travel.
the boss: how long will it take to add that feature?
dilbert: if i'm successful…

the boss: wally, can you explain why your deliverables are late?
wally: an experiment at kit suggests there is no objective reality, so maybe i wasn't late.
the boss: i don't know how to respond to that.
wally: try smiling and nodding. maybe toss in an…

dilbert: the experts say our architecture is not scalable.
the boss: bah! the experts are biased. i want to hear what the non-experts say.
dilbert: they say we should listen to the experts.
the boss: okay, how about the people who are neither experts not…

wally: our new system installation is a catastrophe.
wally: we need to tear it out and re-architect it from scratch.
wally: i'm the only person qualified to lead that effort.
wally: but given the enormity of the job, i won't do it without a raise or promotion.…

dogbert: i decided to start my own podcast.
dogbert: i'm crafting my content to appeal to dumb people because that's the biggest market.
dilbert: how will that make the world a better place?
dogbert: based on your question, you'd enjoy my podcast.

alice, the boss and ask at table.
the boss: i need a volunteer to assemble welcome baskets for our new hires.
alice: i recommend ask the intern because obviously, it would be sexist to ask a women to do it.
the boss: good point. ask, the project is yours.…

the boss: i just got word that we're about to start a two-step reorg.
the boss: in step one, we will centralize functions. then, in step two, we will realize it was a huge mistake and reorganize back to the old way.
ted: why don't we just keep it the way…

carol: every time i try to call your mobile phone, you don't answer.
wally: i only answer my phone when i'm in the bathroom.
carol: i will never call you again.
wally: it's time for office hours.

the boss: i saw you chatting with our eco. what was that all about?
dilbert: we were talking about what a great job you do.
dilbert: you believe that, right?
the boss: seems plausible.

the boss: i saw dilbert talking to the ceo. i think he's trying to undermine me.
catbert: engineers don't lie.
the boss: that's what worries me.

alice: i need a new chair. mine is broken.
the boss: you can use my old chair. i just got a new one.
alice: the chair you sat in every day for the past twelve years?
alice: by now that chair cushion is home to a thriving colony of your cooties.
alice:…

dilbert: i'm not a good communicator, so i hired a narrator.
cynthia: how will a narrator help?
dogbert: cynthia was as dumb as she looked.

dilbert: hi, i'm dilbert, and this is my narrator.
dogbert: bob wondered when was the last time dilbert had washed his hands. it was a good question.
bob: what?
dilbert: just ignore the fore-shadowing.

dilbert: if i were to quit, you would have to pay my replacement more than you are paying me.
dilbert: wouldn't it be more fair to give me a raise to stay?
the boss: how would that be fair to your replacement?

the boss: why do i hear a keyboard tapping every time i'm talking? click, click, click.
alice: i have to multi-task when you talk, just to stay awake.
the boss: please stop doing that.
alice: okay... - zzzzzz-zzzzzz-zzz...

ted: i need your help on my project today, or i'll miss my deadline.
dilbert: are you trying to turn your lack of planning into my problem?
ted: i was hoping you would be a team player.
dilbert: i'm holding out for an offer from a better team.

the boss: does anyone have an idea for fixing our communication problem with marketing?
dilbert, alice, wally and asok thinking: must...not...speak or else he will assign the project to me.
the boss: i saw your eye twitch. the project is all yours.
alice:…