<...> I decided someone needed to try to create a Postgres configuration optimized to process queries as slowly as possible. Why? I am not sure, <...>

I can’t make this too easy. This is a Postgres tuning challenge, not a throttle-your-CPU-to-one-megahertz-and-delete-indexes challenge, so all changes must be on parameters in postgresql.conf. Additionally, the database will still need to have the capability to process at least one transaction within a reasonable amount of time—it would be too simple just to grind Postgres to a halt.