Patient: I shit every morning at 2:00 am

Doctor: Good! So what's the matter?

Patient: I woke up at 3:00 am

Interviewer: what’s your greatest str–

Me: strength? finishing people’s sentences

Interviewer: ok and what about w–

me: wild animals? absolutely terrifying

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

If you lose your self-respect, you also lose the respect of others.
~ #Yiddish Proverb

Soon, all electronics will be waterproof and it’ll be funny to push your friends in the pool again.

Showing up 10 minutes late to work doesn't look very good, but nobody cares if you work 10 minutes extra.

Good Morning

I keep fighting this battle knowing I'm going to lose in the end

Ladies, before calling any man ugly make sure ur foundation matches ur neck's color

There are no strangers ..

Only friends u haven't met yet

And most of all you thought me how to love. So I promise you to love you always and forever till my last breath.

She can laugh, tell jokes, she can pretend that she's okay but inside her dark room there she is waiting for someone who can hug her and say "I know you're not okay, it's okay I can be your shoulder to cry on.

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives.

"Sorry."

I can't believe it's been over 10 years since today started

Ignorance is bliss

We got dreams and the right to chase em

J cole

Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.

Every time you smile at someone,
it is an action of love, a gift to that person,
a beautiful thing.🙂💓
-Mother Teresa