How to stop being a handy person in an abusive relationship?
More and more people are asking me for guidance: "Help me get out of a toxic relationship".
You mean to tell me that this kind of attitude didn't exist in this world before? There certainly was. But now people, by virtue of their awareness, can tell the difference between a healthy attitude of their partner and an abusive one.
What does the abuser want?
All he wants is total obedience and submission.
When he doesn't get that, he does the following π
He resumes the candy and bouquet period, seeks to "tame" the victim again.
What do I see as a way to keep it that way?
You have to keep your distance at all times. That way the abuser will feel like he can easily lose you at any moment.
More and more people are asking me for guidance: "Help me get out of a toxic relationship".
You mean to tell me that this kind of attitude didn't exist in this world before? There certainly was. But now people, by virtue of their awareness, can tell the difference between a healthy attitude of their partner and an abusive one.
What does the abuser want?
All he wants is total obedience and submission.
When he doesn't get that, he does the following π
He resumes the candy and bouquet period, seeks to "tame" the victim again.
What do I see as a way to keep it that way?
You have to keep your distance at all times. That way the abuser will feel like he can easily lose you at any moment.
What is risk?
Now try to answer it for yourself.
Skydiving? Riding a roller coaster? Bull riding?
Nah, that's not it. That's more of an extreme.
Taking risks, on the other hand, is the ability to break your comfort and tranquility a little bit to achieve a goal.
You can be an uptight high school kid who's too shy to walk up to a pretty girl and start a conversation with her. Risk = the ability to do it.
If you are able to take a risk, it means you are choosing life's path of action over inaction.
And action is the only way to continually evolve and get better by learning from mistakes.
Now try to answer it for yourself.
Skydiving? Riding a roller coaster? Bull riding?
Nah, that's not it. That's more of an extreme.
Taking risks, on the other hand, is the ability to break your comfort and tranquility a little bit to achieve a goal.
You can be an uptight high school kid who's too shy to walk up to a pretty girl and start a conversation with her. Risk = the ability to do it.
If you are able to take a risk, it means you are choosing life's path of action over inaction.
And action is the only way to continually evolve and get better by learning from mistakes.
Symptoms that are yelling at you that it's time to take yourself back
1οΈβ£ You don't stand up for your opinion.
Do you feel like your partner is always right? Congrats, you're dissolving into him.The catch is that he's not interested in always being right, which means you risk becoming uninterested in him.
Acknowledge the value of your partner's opinion, but stick to your own.
2οΈβ£ You forget what you want.
When you often push your own interests to please your partner, it's a path downhill.
Don't deny yourself what you want. Love yourself.
β
3οΈβ£ Open all your boundaries.
Together every day is the way to fatigue and irritation. Missing your partner can be necessary so you don't lose the urgency of your need for each other.
Don't get carried away with full disclosure of all your heartstrings. Let a part of you remain only yours.
1οΈβ£ You don't stand up for your opinion.
Do you feel like your partner is always right? Congrats, you're dissolving into him.The catch is that he's not interested in always being right, which means you risk becoming uninterested in him.
Acknowledge the value of your partner's opinion, but stick to your own.
2οΈβ£ You forget what you want.
When you often push your own interests to please your partner, it's a path downhill.
Don't deny yourself what you want. Love yourself.
β
3οΈβ£ Open all your boundaries.
Together every day is the way to fatigue and irritation. Missing your partner can be necessary so you don't lose the urgency of your need for each other.
Don't get carried away with full disclosure of all your heartstrings. Let a part of you remain only yours.
Meditation. Hype trend or truly working thing?
You've probably already noticed how much talk there is now about this way of harmonization. Whatβs the benefit of meditation? And is it useful at all?
Meditation helps you develop concentration and get rid of stress. It doesn't require you to play special music, light incense and go to distant mountains.
Is it even a long time?
You can start practicing meditation with a couple of minutes, what's more important is regularity.
No need to intentionally try to get rid of thoughts, as theyβre a frequent cause of disappointment in the practice. But it is necessary to learn not to dwell on them.
You've probably already noticed how much talk there is now about this way of harmonization. Whatβs the benefit of meditation? And is it useful at all?
Meditation helps you develop concentration and get rid of stress. It doesn't require you to play special music, light incense and go to distant mountains.
Is it even a long time?
You can start practicing meditation with a couple of minutes, what's more important is regularity.
No need to intentionally try to get rid of thoughts, as theyβre a frequent cause of disappointment in the practice. But it is necessary to learn not to dwell on them.
Watch what you say, so you don't hurt your interlocutor
The phrase "As I said before" seems harmless, but it has a subtext: already spoke, and you were not heard, and have to repeat it.
It's better to do without this phrase and just repeat what you said before.
"Knew it would happen."
Thatβs how we signify that we are more discerning than the other. And that's not unambiguous at all.
"With all due respect."
This phrase, by definition, can't be benevolent: after it, people often say things that the other person would hate to hear.
"Just a reminder."
Sounds like a kick, even if you didn't mean anything by it. Omit the beginning and say right away what you meant.
The phrase "As I said before" seems harmless, but it has a subtext: already spoke, and you were not heard, and have to repeat it.
It's better to do without this phrase and just repeat what you said before.
"Knew it would happen."
Thatβs how we signify that we are more discerning than the other. And that's not unambiguous at all.
"With all due respect."
This phrase, by definition, can't be benevolent: after it, people often say things that the other person would hate to hear.
"Just a reminder."
Sounds like a kick, even if you didn't mean anything by it. Omit the beginning and say right away what you meant.
Start your day with the essentials.
Nope, dude, it's not about breakfast.
Another easy rule that helps me get more done is to tackle the hardest tasks first.
What's in it for you?
I'm a stickler for the rule that the more you get done, the more motivated you are to move on. So once you take the load off of the hard stuff, it's easy to tackle everything else, the smaller stuff.
Bonus, if you can't get the thing done right away, you can solve it quietly during the day instead of running around with your ass on fire in the evening after a good portion of your procrastination.
Nope, dude, it's not about breakfast.
Another easy rule that helps me get more done is to tackle the hardest tasks first.
What's in it for you?
I'm a stickler for the rule that the more you get done, the more motivated you are to move on. So once you take the load off of the hard stuff, it's easy to tackle everything else, the smaller stuff.
Bonus, if you can't get the thing done right away, you can solve it quietly during the day instead of running around with your ass on fire in the evening after a good portion of your procrastination.
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Winning in any situation
Yup, I'm a particular fan of catchphrases, but they do give you confidenceπ
In any stressful situation, it's crucial to turn off your emotions. It's a kind of gray morality - any situation is just there, generally people tend to give them coloring, which they do a good job of shattering their nerves.
Run from corner to corner with tears in his eyes - leave it to your enemies or stooges. You, on the other hand, act with beauty.
β Focus on the facts and turn off the emotional coloring, it will not only save you time, but also give you a quick solution in ANY situation.
Yup, I'm a particular fan of catchphrases, but they do give you confidenceπ
In any stressful situation, it's crucial to turn off your emotions. It's a kind of gray morality - any situation is just there, generally people tend to give them coloring, which they do a good job of shattering their nerves.
Run from corner to corner with tears in his eyes - leave it to your enemies or stooges. You, on the other hand, act with beauty.
β Focus on the facts and turn off the emotional coloring, it will not only save you time, but also give you a quick solution in ANY situation.
How to manage your work with quality
Since quality as well as quantity is vital in the work, do not put an endless number of cases in your schedule. It's a shortcut to burnout.
At the beginning of each day, before you get to work, decide what three tasks you want to accomplish by the end of the day.
Your working hours include many urgent tasks. The rule of threes allows you to prioritize and deal first with what is of most value.
It also helps to weed out unnecessary tasks, such as if a to-do is not in your top 3 for a week, you probably shouldn't do it and you won't waste your time!
Since quality as well as quantity is vital in the work, do not put an endless number of cases in your schedule. It's a shortcut to burnout.
At the beginning of each day, before you get to work, decide what three tasks you want to accomplish by the end of the day.
Your working hours include many urgent tasks. The rule of threes allows you to prioritize and deal first with what is of most value.
It also helps to weed out unnecessary tasks, such as if a to-do is not in your top 3 for a week, you probably shouldn't do it and you won't waste your time!
Promises to yourself
"And from this Monday I'll start...", "After this situation I'll stop..." I was hooked on these fervent communications myself, which lasted two days at mostππ»
πΊA man should always be honest with himself and always take responsibility for his words. And that manifests itself everywhere.
A firmness of character should be felt in every attitude, and especially in one's attitude towards oneself.
βοΈ Now consider this: every time you break your word, you increase the difficulty of the first step in a new endeavor. And that's because our brains fixate on failure as the natural result of any endeavor.
So be patient and never give up quickly. Ever. In order to succeed - it's important to create your own rules and be sure to follow themπ
"And from this Monday I'll start...", "After this situation I'll stop..." I was hooked on these fervent communications myself, which lasted two days at mostππ»
πΊA man should always be honest with himself and always take responsibility for his words. And that manifests itself everywhere.
A firmness of character should be felt in every attitude, and especially in one's attitude towards oneself.
βοΈ Now consider this: every time you break your word, you increase the difficulty of the first step in a new endeavor. And that's because our brains fixate on failure as the natural result of any endeavor.
So be patient and never give up quickly. Ever. In order to succeed - it's important to create your own rules and be sure to follow themπ
Quality to Achieve the Goal
Undoubtedly, all of the qualities in the survey play a major role in victories, but I would like to single out just one - patience.
Motivation, certainly, is good, and I frequently fall under its tides myself, but it's essential not to overreact.
Keep in mind, friend: in any case, as well as in sports, the main thing is regularity.
π« Watching motivational videos, believing in yourself so much and doing as much in a day as you did in a week, and then just at the thought of continuing the action feel nauseous.
β The best strategy is to wait for the first results, and then you yourself will feel a great desire to reach the top and understand that you act correctly.
It's hard to find the strength and not give up. But this path is always rewarding.
Undoubtedly, all of the qualities in the survey play a major role in victories, but I would like to single out just one - patience.
Motivation, certainly, is good, and I frequently fall under its tides myself, but it's essential not to overreact.
Keep in mind, friend: in any case, as well as in sports, the main thing is regularity.
π« Watching motivational videos, believing in yourself so much and doing as much in a day as you did in a week, and then just at the thought of continuing the action feel nauseous.
β The best strategy is to wait for the first results, and then you yourself will feel a great desire to reach the top and understand that you act correctly.
It's hard to find the strength and not give up. But this path is always rewarding.
Self-love as an investment in the future
Since childhood we are taught to share and suppress any initiative to do something for ourselves. You're supposed to give, give and concede, but you're not allowed to refuse, take and ask.
So is that the norm? Nope, I'm not urging you to be rude to old people or take candy from children, BUT to have a certain benefit from every day you live, you have to. Simply because there is nothing more reliable than you.
I'll tell you one thing: Forget your inner critic. It makes you procrastinate and sting before solving your problems and showing yourself as a person.
π« You can dabble with affirmations, sit in meditation for hours, but it's all for naught if you're constantly berating and angry with yourself.
The more you invest in yourself, the more you love yourself. Invest in your knowledge, in your body, in your health, and in your appearance. This will give you a tremendous amount of motivation.
Since childhood we are taught to share and suppress any initiative to do something for ourselves. You're supposed to give, give and concede, but you're not allowed to refuse, take and ask.
So is that the norm? Nope, I'm not urging you to be rude to old people or take candy from children, BUT to have a certain benefit from every day you live, you have to. Simply because there is nothing more reliable than you.
I'll tell you one thing: Forget your inner critic. It makes you procrastinate and sting before solving your problems and showing yourself as a person.
π« You can dabble with affirmations, sit in meditation for hours, but it's all for naught if you're constantly berating and angry with yourself.
The more you invest in yourself, the more you love yourself. Invest in your knowledge, in your body, in your health, and in your appearance. This will give you a tremendous amount of motivation.
Care to be reassured?
Back in my college days, I came across an interesting article that helped me get rid of my fear of being ridiculed.
ππ»And it was a review of a speech by coach Jack Canfield, where he demonstrated with one example that criticism is not so frightening:
In one of his classes, he approached his student and said:
- I give many lectures and seminars, but I haven't yet met anyone as stupid as you
Sure, the girl got upset, but Jack reassured her and said it was just an exercise and went on.
- I give many lectures and seminars, but I have never met a man with such horrible green hair.
The girl laughed.
- Why are you laughing? - Jack asked.
- Because my hair is not green.
- Then why did you get angry with me the first time? You are not stupid, are you?
- ...
βοΈThe conclusion is that we tend to be hurt by what we allow to be true.
Learning not to respond to toxic criticism is a skill that will keep you healthy and give you plenty of opportunityπ
Back in my college days, I came across an interesting article that helped me get rid of my fear of being ridiculed.
ππ»And it was a review of a speech by coach Jack Canfield, where he demonstrated with one example that criticism is not so frightening:
In one of his classes, he approached his student and said:
- I give many lectures and seminars, but I haven't yet met anyone as stupid as you
Sure, the girl got upset, but Jack reassured her and said it was just an exercise and went on.
- I give many lectures and seminars, but I have never met a man with such horrible green hair.
The girl laughed.
- Why are you laughing? - Jack asked.
- Because my hair is not green.
- Then why did you get angry with me the first time? You are not stupid, are you?
- ...
βοΈThe conclusion is that we tend to be hurt by what we allow to be true.
Learning not to respond to toxic criticism is a skill that will keep you healthy and give you plenty of opportunityπ
Is it worth solving her problems?
I first wondered about this when my girlfriend at the time, after I gave away the solution to her next problem, said that I didn't care about herπ€―
What absurd bullshit, I thought, and decided to investigate the question.
What do they want? Just to pour out their soul and see your sympathy!
β And next time (depending on the situation) it's enough to kiss her on the forehead and tell her that sheβs the best, you really appreciate her and that everything will go away!
And you will live happily ever afterβ¨
I first wondered about this when my girlfriend at the time, after I gave away the solution to her next problem, said that I didn't care about herπ€―
What absurd bullshit, I thought, and decided to investigate the question.
What do they want? Just to pour out their soul and see your sympathy!
β And next time (depending on the situation) it's enough to kiss her on the forehead and tell her that sheβs the best, you really appreciate her and that everything will go away!
And you will live happily ever afterβ¨
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The Three Yeses Principle
Nah, I'm not mastering you how to manipulate people, I'm teaching you how to make them agree with youππ»
πA fairly harmless trick that will quietly give you everything you desire:
Ask 3 questions in a row, the first 2 of which your interlocutor should definitely answer in the affirmative, and the third ask the question you want.
Such as:
You work here, right? Are you a manager? Could you help me?
Nah, I'm not mastering you how to manipulate people, I'm teaching you how to make them agree with youππ»
πA fairly harmless trick that will quietly give you everything you desire:
Ask 3 questions in a row, the first 2 of which your interlocutor should definitely answer in the affirmative, and the third ask the question you want.
Such as:
You work here, right? Are you a manager? Could you help me?
Quality that every woman will appreciate
Appearance, dough - thatβs certainly nice, but what girls bite on is your understanding of your gender differences.
If you think that women and men are equal - you have already lostπ₯
The same actions from each gender are judged differently.
ππ»There are actions that on the part of a man are the norm and on the part of a girl are not. Like, assertively seeking sex from a girl is the norm, but not from a man, this also includes courting and paying for your dates (but here to each his own).
πΉ Remember, dude: men who deny it and guess that a woman should take the initiative on equal terms with him too, are doomed to be alone. And once she figures you out, she'll immediately lose interest.
What to do?
- Put the notion in your head that girls are fragile creatures. Physically fragile. Help out every chance you get. Show your gallantry.
- Demonstrate interest in the initial stages, but don't go overboard, like a jigger who finally found his "Bae"ππ»
Appearance, dough - thatβs certainly nice, but what girls bite on is your understanding of your gender differences.
If you think that women and men are equal - you have already lostπ₯
The same actions from each gender are judged differently.
ππ»There are actions that on the part of a man are the norm and on the part of a girl are not. Like, assertively seeking sex from a girl is the norm, but not from a man, this also includes courting and paying for your dates (but here to each his own).
πΉ Remember, dude: men who deny it and guess that a woman should take the initiative on equal terms with him too, are doomed to be alone. And once she figures you out, she'll immediately lose interest.
What to do?
- Put the notion in your head that girls are fragile creatures. Physically fragile. Help out every chance you get. Show your gallantry.
- Demonstrate interest in the initial stages, but don't go overboard, like a jigger who finally found his "Bae"ππ»
Is it worth solving her problems?
I first wondered about this when my girlfriend at the time, after I gave away the solution to her next problem, said that I didn't care about herπ€―
What absurd bullshit, I thought, and decided to investigate the question.
What do they want? Just to pour out their soul and see your sympathy!
β And next time (depending on the situation) it's enough to kiss her on the forehead and tell her that sheβs the best, you really appreciate her and that everything will go away!
And you will live happily ever afterβ¨
I first wondered about this when my girlfriend at the time, after I gave away the solution to her next problem, said that I didn't care about herπ€―
What absurd bullshit, I thought, and decided to investigate the question.
What do they want? Just to pour out their soul and see your sympathy!
β And next time (depending on the situation) it's enough to kiss her on the forehead and tell her that sheβs the best, you really appreciate her and that everything will go away!
And you will live happily ever afterβ¨
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Know thyself
No need to chase anyone - this applies to both work and relationshipsππ»
You'll get yours without it. Always.
Charismatic men don't grovel in an attempt to knock out a promotion or meet the next lady.
Instead, remember to be self-sufficient and spend time ONLY on your own self-development. Every day ask yourself: "What's to improve about myself today?" It's either degradation or development.
π Bear in mind: confidence and love for yourself, not cajoling and fear of loss. Misery isnβt your style.
No need to chase anyone - this applies to both work and relationshipsππ»
You'll get yours without it. Always.
Charismatic men don't grovel in an attempt to knock out a promotion or meet the next lady.
Instead, remember to be self-sufficient and spend time ONLY on your own self-development. Every day ask yourself: "What's to improve about myself today?" It's either degradation or development.
π Bear in mind: confidence and love for yourself, not cajoling and fear of loss. Misery isnβt your style.
Awareness
It is a trait of a truly mature and wise person, but, unfortunately, many people miss it, relying on emotionality or circumstancesπ₯
What gives this quality:
- You give maximum accountability to your actions, no emotion or situation will take you out of yourself.
- You clearly recognize your feelings and immediately understand and eliminate the cause of your bad feeling
- You rejoice in the little things. This is really important. You can walk across the bridge every day with a beautiful view, thinking about your problems, or you can stop for a moment and get a charge of positivity. Which will save you from the stress that is now at every turn!
I can tell you how to boost that quality! Curious?
It is a trait of a truly mature and wise person, but, unfortunately, many people miss it, relying on emotionality or circumstancesπ₯
What gives this quality:
- You give maximum accountability to your actions, no emotion or situation will take you out of yourself.
- You clearly recognize your feelings and immediately understand and eliminate the cause of your bad feeling
- You rejoice in the little things. This is really important. You can walk across the bridge every day with a beautiful view, thinking about your problems, or you can stop for a moment and get a charge of positivity. Which will save you from the stress that is now at every turn!
I can tell you how to boost that quality! Curious?
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Sense of humor
This quality ranks first on my list. It's all because it both disposes people and saves you from curiosities and makes you more stress-resistant.
Humor is often the only lifeline that you're not afraid to grab onto.
The first and easiest thing is to choose a person whose jokes you like you and preferably your surroundings. Analyze his jokes and underline the features you can apply.
Also, developing associations helps a lot with this.
β You can just think of five associations for each word, or you can download the app "94," where you write the right thoughts for each word.
This quality ranks first on my list. It's all because it both disposes people and saves you from curiosities and makes you more stress-resistant.
Humor is often the only lifeline that you're not afraid to grab onto.
The first and easiest thing is to choose a person whose jokes you like you and preferably your surroundings. Analyze his jokes and underline the features you can apply.
Also, developing associations helps a lot with this.
β You can just think of five associations for each word, or you can download the app "94," where you write the right thoughts for each word.
Self-pity and self-criticism head to the trash
Why do I bring up failure so often? Cause the fear of them kills ANY desire to act.
And until you get that it takes a little patience and the ability to learn lessons, you won't move forward.
And most importantly, realize that self-criticism does no good.
Nah, I'm not saying that if you don't sing too well, but you really like it, you should go to some casting call and make yourself look like a total jerk, here it's more about objectively assessing your weaknesses and strengths, but about that later.
Notice and record your desire to complain, to criticize yourself. Find something positive about the situation. Think about how to fix it. Anything but complainπ«
Once you realize that criticism is not fruitful, but only takes away your self-confidence, the need for it disappears on its own.
πNew thinking - new thoughts - new life!
Why do I bring up failure so often? Cause the fear of them kills ANY desire to act.
And until you get that it takes a little patience and the ability to learn lessons, you won't move forward.
And most importantly, realize that self-criticism does no good.
Nah, I'm not saying that if you don't sing too well, but you really like it, you should go to some casting call and make yourself look like a total jerk, here it's more about objectively assessing your weaknesses and strengths, but about that later.
Notice and record your desire to complain, to criticize yourself. Find something positive about the situation. Think about how to fix it. Anything but complainπ«
Once you realize that criticism is not fruitful, but only takes away your self-confidence, the need for it disappears on its own.
πNew thinking - new thoughts - new life!
Stress Resistance
Hysteria and crying - is this the action of a person who desires to achieve many heights in this life? The answer is obvious. Therefore, by developing this quality, you will get closer than others to your goals and desiresπ
And now let's talk about a nice thing - food!
Nothing is easier than just starting to eat some fruit for a change in your life, right? And here's a little list with which you can easily beat stress:
πBananas - contribute to the production of the happiness hormone. It's also high in vitamins that regulate the nervous system.
π The vegetables have antioxidants that help you recover from nervous disorders. They also help increase stress toleranceπͺπ»
πΎFlakes are rich in B vitamins, which are essential for replenishing vitality and strength.
βΌοΈ The key is not to pile on the sweets, which is something many people do! But that's a direct path to obesity, diabetes, peptic ulcers and other human "friends".
Hysteria and crying - is this the action of a person who desires to achieve many heights in this life? The answer is obvious. Therefore, by developing this quality, you will get closer than others to your goals and desiresπ
And now let's talk about a nice thing - food!
Nothing is easier than just starting to eat some fruit for a change in your life, right? And here's a little list with which you can easily beat stress:
πBananas - contribute to the production of the happiness hormone. It's also high in vitamins that regulate the nervous system.
π The vegetables have antioxidants that help you recover from nervous disorders. They also help increase stress toleranceπͺπ»
πΎFlakes are rich in B vitamins, which are essential for replenishing vitality and strength.
βΌοΈ The key is not to pile on the sweets, which is something many people do! But that's a direct path to obesity, diabetes, peptic ulcers and other human "friends".