okay that was such a read. and honestly, some parts of it did get to me on a deep level, but this part specifically
"I've been trying to get help in good faith for years. You tell me what my next fucking step is. I have extreme trauma responses just working with insurance or seeing a new therapist now. What do I do when therapy itself has become a trauma trigger?"
that part got me hard
i guess that imma provide a bit of info of myself here, but with a bunch of cw or something
CW poor mental health in kids, trauma, that sort of stuff, and probably some info that will change how you look at me:
i have a good amount of trauma and crap like that, from basically all my life. and i am terribly tired of having to walk on eggshells every day of my life, every time i interact with other human beings, to not talk "too much" about me because they will either feel bad, change their perception of me irreversibly, and/or i will have to deal with a great amount of assholery that i dont have to energy to deal with. i tried to off myself from life when i was 7, and tbh i have never found a good enough reason to regret it, because life is fucking horrible about 95% of the time. the last 5% of the time is all the progress i have made to make my life less horrible, but the best i can manage is "not horrible", i cant manage to have "good" even an 1% of the time.
but the thing is, back when that happened, i ended up locked in an hospital for years, and i still have nightmares about it. im not sure if it was months ago or last year, but at some point i opened the wikipedia article of "torture" and the geneva convention and stuff like that and i was like "oh so that is against basic human rights. good to know i guess, maybe that explains why it felt so bad" (tho, to be fair, i already had experienced waterboarding and other stuffs before i got into the hospital, but honestly that was much less traumatic and forgivable)
also, i have the "crappy body hurts all the time and is fragile as fuck" syndrome to the point where i know that passing out from pain is __good__ because otherwise you can get up to the "close to passing out, but actually dont do it" pain level and be stuck there for hours, and that is way worse. and also i have been losing hearing for all my life, gradually, and that is also not good.
both of those last two issues have guaranteed that i spend a good chunk of my life going into hospitals again and again, and every single fucking time i havent been helped. ever. there was only one time, when a dude acceded to do a 5 minute procedure that makes it so i dont lose way more blood, that one was useful, but required about 17 years of asking medics to do it before i could find one that said "yeah, okay, no problem"
and due to the mix of "hospitals have never helped me" and "hospitals have fucking destroyed my mental health", i do have a not small about of trauma with them. i fucking hate hospitals. and the "What do I do when therapy itself has become a trauma trigger?"" part of those messages has fucking touched me deep.
im so fucking tired of everything, the last time i went to a fucking endo she laughed at me and said "of course this med was shit to you, every med is shit to you, so why bother trying anymore?". since then, i've gained 30kg in about 3-4 months, which is not fucking healthy. the last time i went to some medic to ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist and a fibromyalgia specialist, i just got a mix of "hmm, but you're trans, idk" and "try again in a year from now".
i fucking hate hospitals so fucking hard, and indeed trying to get therapy when therapy itself is a problem sounds just too familiar to me. i just wanted to say that. fuck i spent too much time writing this and now im late to class
"I've been trying to get help in good faith for years. You tell me what my next fucking step is. I have extreme trauma responses just working with insurance or seeing a new therapist now. What do I do when therapy itself has become a trauma trigger?"
that part got me hard
i guess that imma provide a bit of info of myself here, but with a bunch of cw or something
CW poor mental health in kids, trauma, that sort of stuff, and probably some info that will change how you look at me:
but the thing is, back when that happened, i ended up locked in an hospital for years, and i still have nightmares about it. im not sure if it was months ago or last year, but at some point i opened the wikipedia article of "torture" and the geneva convention and stuff like that and i was like "oh so that is against basic human rights. good to know i guess, maybe that explains why it felt so bad" (tho, to be fair, i already had experienced waterboarding and other stuffs before i got into the hospital, but honestly that was much less traumatic and forgivable)
also, i have the "crappy body hurts all the time and is fragile as fuck" syndrome to the point where i know that passing out from pain is __good__ because otherwise you can get up to the "close to passing out, but actually dont do it" pain level and be stuck there for hours, and that is way worse. and also i have been losing hearing for all my life, gradually, and that is also not good.
both of those last two issues have guaranteed that i spend a good chunk of my life going into hospitals again and again, and every single fucking time i havent been helped. ever. there was only one time, when a dude acceded to do a 5 minute procedure that makes it so i dont lose way more blood, that one was useful, but required about 17 years of asking medics to do it before i could find one that said "yeah, okay, no problem"
and due to the mix of "hospitals have never helped me" and "hospitals have fucking destroyed my mental health", i do have a not small about of trauma with them. i fucking hate hospitals. and the "What do I do when therapy itself has become a trauma trigger?"" part of those messages has fucking touched me deep.
im so fucking tired of everything, the last time i went to a fucking endo she laughed at me and said "of course this med was shit to you, every med is shit to you, so why bother trying anymore?". since then, i've gained 30kg in about 3-4 months, which is not fucking healthy. the last time i went to some medic to ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist and a fibromyalgia specialist, i just got a mix of "hmm, but you're trans, idk" and "try again in a year from now".
i fucking hate hospitals so fucking hard, and indeed trying to get therapy when therapy itself is a problem sounds just too familiar to me. i just wanted to say that. fuck i spent too much time writing this and now im late to class
Forwarded from Hacker News
AdGuard
EasyList is in trouble and so are many ad blockers
One of the world’s most popular ad blocking filter lists, EasyList, has run into a serious issue that threatens to tank it, as well as many open-source projects that rely on it. See if this affects you personally, and how you can help.
Forwarded from Basic Fucking Kindness
mental health, socialization, self compassion
"someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water. stop comparing traumas, stop belitting your or anyone else's trauma because it wasnt "as bad" as someone else's."
"someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water. stop comparing traumas, stop belitting your or anyone else's trauma because it wasnt "as bad" as someone else's."
so apparently im the sort of person who finds errors in wikipedia i guess
a shame that i have no wikipedia account nor interest in having one
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_platform_virtualization_software
in the first version (2008) of hyperv, it states "(up to 8 physical CPUs) " but that 1-dont have a reference and 2-is very different from what the main article of hyperv and a bunch of quick searches on the internet say. idk where it got messed up but i would very much put a "(citation needed)" on that thing.
a shame that i have no wikipedia account nor interest in having one
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_platform_virtualization_software
in the first version (2008) of hyperv, it states "(up to 8 physical CPUs) " but that 1-dont have a reference and 2-is very different from what the main article of hyperv and a bunch of quick searches on the internet say. idk where it got messed up but i would very much put a "(citation needed)" on that thing.