hey you know when i posted about "intentionally leaving out the credits while posting art makes you a [whatever i said, but it was derogatory]"?

that does not apply to AI images. i wont elaborate on this.

a big chunk of my dreams today was just me "being" in some videogame that used dark souls logic but with a completely different worldbuilding. except that there were a lot of skeletons (derogatory) very early on, and they A-kept respawning and B-had flying, technologically hyperadvanced flying ships. by the point i was in the middle of some desert, trying to make my way trough to some skeleton temple, i just gave up due to "it does not matter, there are many of you and you reform too fast and my dps is too low, i literally cant keep up" and just ignored them and teleported to some chill mountain, because i was so fed up (the teleportation engine followed paper mario logic, to some degree)

and also while falling asleep (that means: way before the dark souls part) for some reason my brain made up a VERY long story about pepsiman. i thought about posting it here but i decided that i dont want brands and corporations or whatever taking over my channel so eh. anyway, if you dont know what pepsiman is, you're probably better off that way

the dreams also included a bunch of other stuff, like "i found a very big library but i couldnt stop to investigate it calmly because merry and pippin were going to betray mister turtleman in the secret militarized tunnels with a human sized slingshot because of some smuggled chocolate addiction, and a bunch of other stuff that i will not be talking about because i dont feel like posting it here, either because its personal and long to contextualize, or because nightmares™, or because any other reason


the library was cool, i wish i could have spent more time there, but i couldnt even look outside its windows because ppl were around requesting me and whatnot. but im pretty sure that i knew that window. im pretty sure it was an eclipse-gazing window. and if im not mistaken, a big tree should have been visible from it too


i didnt plan to post this phrase in this channel originally but i guess it is too good not to
«ah, its 12 hours before i have to interact with ppl, or as my body likes to call it: "i am literally being hunt for sport right now"»

anyway, what a fun 3 hours of sleep. fukem pepsiman.

(it isnt "in 12 hours from now" any longer, thats just when i thought about the phrase)

This channel is really loud

since sleeping isnt an option anymore and i have to distract myself by doing something or else i'll explode, i guess that i will write a bit about me now

so, the brief, resumed version of my "romantic" history thus far, because why not:

-i have never been interested in it. the end.

lol
no but for reals (a bunch of cw beyond this point)

-i have never been interested in "being with someone" or stuff like that
-also im, uh, very autism, so i may or may not have missed pretty hard some insinuations made by ppl
-that included, sadly some policedudes i had to share a space with for a bunch of months, in a context that i wont disclose now.
-tl;dr one of them developed a disliking for me, and the other one developed more than a disliking for me, after i missed every clue of what was happening failed to reciprocate some stuff. bad stuff happens. i think i was still a minor back then, but basically a lot of bad stuff came from that, and i didnt really understand why until years after that, when i showed some chats to some friend and they explained me "lol he really liked you". it was not the first time i had policedudes threatening me and my life but it was the first time it got so... personal. i may or may not got rid of the most problematic one by showing him that i knew exactly where he lived and who his family was and stuff like that. cornered animals blah blah blah.

-not much after that, i met another (not a cop this time) person.
-tl;dr this person was still an egg and used me as a role model or something to become a full fledged trans ppl. she kinda idealized me and wanted me close. in a very toxic way that was unintentional but still harmful, because sometimes ppl with problems are like that. and so, since im bad at setting boundaries, i ended up, for the first time in my life, having a SO/gf

-after a yer or two of that, i tried to set some boundaries and tried to explain "yeah, being in a relationship and stuff really isnt my thing. i appreciate you, but... i really am not comfy with this, and i rather for it to stop". and thus, i ended up my first relationship ever. this person... well, didnt take it well. she faked her suicide or something. stuff happened, and i thought she was dead for over half a year. a sudden routine change, basically.

-i think it was about this point that i asked some irl friend to "hey let me say to ppl that you'll never know that you're my bf because there are a lot of ppl asking me out, i am bad at lying, and i panic, and i need some "excuse" to be able to say "no" firmly". this was maybe two months or something? idk, my brain is fried and its hard to remember stuff

-after i found out that $exgf was alive, and letting another bunch of months pass without making any contact, i made the mistake of contacting her again.
-tl;dr she wanted to "try it again", even after i directly explained "in the last year i went trough some self discovery and i learned language to define stuff, im pretty sure im aroace, there is a chance that im poly instead of aro, but still, i dont really... vibe with this"
-but im a loser and bad around ppl, so i ended up having a gf again. that didnt go well either, except this time around, she left in a way more miserable way. i still think that it wasnt because she has evil inside, but because she has problems of her own. still, it was done in a pretty bad way.

-after this happened, and i was, once more, partnerless, ppl started trying to "take me"
-but by this point, i've gotten way better at setting up boundaries. so, when ppl started again with the "if you wont be my partner, nothing makes sense, so i'll be bettery offing myself", im able to reply with some variation of "so be it, then. its sad, but i cant do anything about it" every time without failure
-my memory is pretty fucked up so its hard to remember how many times that has happened. and im unsure of how many mentally ill ppl have used me as "the last straw". sometimes i feel bad about "all those ppl who are dead because of me", but then i start doing 7 things at once until i can stop thinking about stuff that isnt gonna get me anywhere

-at some point literally minutes away from ending 2020, i met a noice gal who has a very clear understanding of how human relationships works and is very good with words. and also, important point, that is in the same vibe of autism than i am, so she can explain things in a way that i'll understand. and she did. and even thought i still dont really get many things, i understand now a lot of things that i didnt before, and that has helped me a lot. so, last year was a big thing for me in this regard, because i learnt a lot. and it helps to understand things, even if i dont share them, or even if im "eww" about them.

-this gal is without any exageration, in the top three of best things that have ever happened to me. and i love her. but i dont want to have a relationship with her, i love her as a friend, and im very comfortable with that. and best of all, she understands it. and thats a very cool thing

-i've been "officially" identifying as aroace for a bunch of months now. and boi does it feel comfy. i first started doing it because there were even more ppl "liking me" that i didnt "like" back, but since i started doing it, i realized that it fits

-so nowadays im open about being aroace with basically everyone everyone who asks, thats it. and im cool with that. and truthfully, i wouldnt be this comfy if not for the gay little ppl that are all around in telegram. it does wonders to have ppl whose answer to "i dont really vibe with having a bf/gf" is "ah, ok"

-will i identify as aroace for the rest of my life? maybe yes, maybe not. who knows. but thats a thing for future me to deal with, "people say phase like impermanence means insignificance" etc etc. for now, one day at a time, im cool with what im cool

-i still have to get the grasp of when/where/how telling ppl that you love them (both in english and in spanish, with different words and expressions) is "acceptable" and wont confuse ppl nor make them uncomfy. last year i got drunk and i texted a ppl "i love you in a non romantic way, take care of yourself damn" and even that was confusing/uncomfy. also i myself am still not comfy about hearts and stuff like that but eh, thats just something i'll have to deal with at some point

-if you're still reading, congratulations, you probably either have talked with me in the past/know me, you dont have adhd, or both

-if you just skipped to the end of the message and you're wondering why the fuck i wrote this thing and/or you're not cool with this message: thats your problem baby. that is your problem and this is my channel

all in all, if anyone here ever catches me using the word "love" or anything like that, i dont want anything with anyone. im here for friends, not for anything more, so be aware of the thing and try to excuse my autism lol

tl;dr i once had a gf and then after that i had that same gf again and both of those were more than i wanted

anyway, relevant reposts i guess