writing something like this is pretty hard(hard for me to put into words, not bcause it's a sensitive topic), and honestly, i probably wouldn't even do it, but i know there are some people subscribed to this channel who found it while i was in a different phase of my life, and there are also new people here who probably need to know this.
this year has been one of the worst years of my life, to be honest. maybe even the worst. the feeling of being stuck in time is fucking destroying me. problems that happened in several relationships with other people, the difficulty of finding a job, and now my mom being at risk of having cancer.
i'm not gonna deny that i got myself into this situation, and i'm not gonna make excuses for my failures. i could've been better in the past, but i wasn't. that's not really the point of this text anyway.
so, moving on, i've been going through a mental crisis since i created this channel. i wouldn't say creating the channel was a bad thing, though, because i really like my channel. but i feel like my loss of personality wasn't nearly as bad as it has been lately.
the frequency of my posts has dropped a lot, partly because i'm also working on a project right now, and i've also had a pretty big loss of creativity, even though my posts were never that amazing to begin with.
as for this whole personality crisis, it's like i've lost my soul, my roots in certain things. things like music, weeb stuff, and even religion. i slowly started losing myself because of all the shit that kept happening, to the point where i started reconnecting with people who aren't really like me and who i had already left in the past.
i feel completely out of my circle, my bubble, my interests. i know deep down that i still care about these things, but it feels like they're slowly slipping away from me. i know i don't belong where i am right now, nor with the people i'm talking to, nor with some of the thoughts and values i've been having lately.
anyway, despite all the shitty things that happened, i had a lot of introspective moments this year. i came to realize things that i probably wouldn't have thought about before, mostly because i wasn't in such a shitty situation back then.
in the end, i just want to make it clear that this isn't me whining. i didn't write this thinking that it was going to fix anything or solve anything. it's just an explanation for the people subscribed to this channel.
i should also say that i decided to write this because, in the middle of all this sea of hopelessness, i felt like there might still be a chance. so i'm gonna try to go back to who i was before. i just need to think for a while.
things are extremely complicated, and i wish i could see them in a simple way, like smart people seem to. unfortunately, i can't. my stupid illusion that it's possible to control everything...
anyway, i hope i didn't forget to mention something. if i did, well, that's it. i didn't really plan this text in the first place.
the posts will continue as usual, so don't worry about that.
~~ (b ᵔ▽ᵔ)b
this year has been one of the worst years of my life, to be honest. maybe even the worst. the feeling of being stuck in time is fucking destroying me. problems that happened in several relationships with other people, the difficulty of finding a job, and now my mom being at risk of having cancer.
i'm not gonna deny that i got myself into this situation, and i'm not gonna make excuses for my failures. i could've been better in the past, but i wasn't. that's not really the point of this text anyway.
so, moving on, i've been going through a mental crisis since i created this channel. i wouldn't say creating the channel was a bad thing, though, because i really like my channel. but i feel like my loss of personality wasn't nearly as bad as it has been lately.
the frequency of my posts has dropped a lot, partly because i'm also working on a project right now, and i've also had a pretty big loss of creativity, even though my posts were never that amazing to begin with.
as for this whole personality crisis, it's like i've lost my soul, my roots in certain things. things like music, weeb stuff, and even religion. i slowly started losing myself because of all the shit that kept happening, to the point where i started reconnecting with people who aren't really like me and who i had already left in the past.
i feel completely out of my circle, my bubble, my interests. i know deep down that i still care about these things, but it feels like they're slowly slipping away from me. i know i don't belong where i am right now, nor with the people i'm talking to, nor with some of the thoughts and values i've been having lately.
anyway, despite all the shitty things that happened, i had a lot of introspective moments this year. i came to realize things that i probably wouldn't have thought about before, mostly because i wasn't in such a shitty situation back then.
in the end, i just want to make it clear that this isn't me whining. i didn't write this thinking that it was going to fix anything or solve anything. it's just an explanation for the people subscribed to this channel.
i should also say that i decided to write this because, in the middle of all this sea of hopelessness, i felt like there might still be a chance. so i'm gonna try to go back to who i was before. i just need to think for a while.
things are extremely complicated, and i wish i could see them in a simple way, like smart people seem to. unfortunately, i can't. my stupid illusion that it's possible to control everything...
anyway, i hope i didn't forget to mention something. if i did, well, that's it. i didn't really plan this text in the first place.
the posts will continue as usual, so don't worry about that.
~~ (b ᵔ▽ᵔ)b
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complex zero japan
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my post about whales wtf why did i hyperfixate on this? i also had a phase where i basically specialized in fleas, but that time there was a justifiable reason for it
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