WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

Britney Spears seemingly called for the redistribution of wealth and a general strike on Monday, "regramming" a post written by Instagram user Mimi Zhu. "During this time of isolation, we need connection now more than ever," the text shared by Spears said…