It’s heaven for us
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I just realized why I became this way

I have abusive parents. But that's fine, every parents in my country is abusive by default. They are mental ill AF and they loudly argue about their sex life ever since I had ears to hear. I'm 25 now and nothing about them has changed. But on top of that, both my mother and my father when they are alone with me would talk about sex to me unsolicited. I could never spoke a word back to them to make them stop because in this country parents being abusive and children being mute and subservient in fear of being physically beaten is the cultural norm.
Recently, I decided to take a serious look at the concept of mental health. although there is no such thing as psychiatrist in this desolate wasteland, I've been getting really into meditation. And then I realized that I became aroace because my parents made me so disgusted at sex. Thinking about even the abstract concept of it makes me feel vomit inducing disgust. And it's ruining my life because I love memes and internet culture and every time I come across suggestive fanarts or even just joke comments under a post, it painfully disgusts me.

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@asexualityonreddit

Found those on pinterest

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Shout out to my fellow Aegosexuals [Not My OC]
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@asexualityonreddit

Sorry for another post but I’m just so confused. Am I asexual?

The best I can think to explain is…


I am a soft butch lesbian skinnier version if that helps but not to stereotype

I want to cuddle a big masculine short hair stone cold butch.





 I want to be in a big masculine short hair stone cold butch lap leaned in, feeling their softness, womanliness; feeling their musk and masculinity as well. 

I want to help a big masculine short hair stone cold butch masterbate seeing them moan and make the faces.



I want to see a big masculine short hair stone cold Butch melt in softness and their womanliness. 

I don’t want to be touched sexually. 

I don’t think I have sexual attraction other than just for that. 

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@asexualityonreddit

Leaving

I don't know if this belongs on here but I'm leaving this group. I've discovered I'm actually bisexual and now have a girlfriend! Thank you to everyone here for helping me discover myself.

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@asexualityonreddit

goals
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I feel like nature simply hates women.

Periods are painful, sex is painful, giving birth is painful. Men do not experience any pain during intimacy, it’s always women. It feels like sex was never meant to be a thing that pleasures women the way nature made it. I feel that many women would stop having sex if being in a sexless relationship was more normalized. I feel that people often lie to women saying their first time will definitely not be painful to lure them in.

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@asexualityonreddit

Asexuals with OCD, does it happen that your OCD would latch onto your attraction? If so, which one?


Ok sooo, i struggle with intrusive thoughts and tbh, it sucks. And it has gotten worse for around three days and i can’t stand it anymore

So, it might be a long story since i have to mention details to make sure people don’t misunderstand what i am saying. Bc it happens, sooo yep

Anyways, i struggle with sexual intrusive thoughts, like i said before, it sucks

And this has developped when i found out that i mistaken sexual attraction with aesthetic/sensual and when i found out about asexuality

Before those thoughts, i have assumed that sexual attraction meant finding someone pretty or admiring.

I have heard ppl on social media or around me playing smash or pass. I used to think they were joking on wanting to smash the characters. And even thought that people who wanted to be sexual with someone was something that you would see in fiction.( yes…i thought sexual attraction was just in movies )

But yet, i used to think i felt it since everyone did. But i didn’t find other ppl sexually appealing, neither my crushes.

I didn’t care about it ofc until i found out about asexuality.

I noticed that it resembled me alot but them i went ‘’ well, i wouldn’t be that, this is about them not feeling sexual attraction. I feel it ‘’

….i just took my words back right after someone mentioned that sexual attraction was not just ‘’ finding someone pretty ‘’, it was more than that.

Now, this is when i realized that i might have been asexual

( this kind of caused me to try and make myself feel sexual attraction after finding out. Idk why, but after finding out about how sexual attraction ACTUALLY is, my brain kind of latched onto it and i thought ‘’ Hm, since people feel this, it means i should ‘’ so i kind of conditioned myself to feel like how everyone felt even though it didn’t felt enjoyable nor desirable )

But here is the thing. Right after finding out about asexuality, this is where i thought of searching about it

But what i found was something else when searching it. I found a lot is stories about how women who used to think they were ace are actually sexually repressed and then using asexuality in a way to deny it

Or just straight up people saying how asexuals should not have any dirty mind, thoughts and that they should not understand sex.

Prettymuch infantilizing them

And this is where i developped sexual intrusive thoughts ( and symptoms that is similar to OCD ). I kept having unwanted sexual intrusive thoughts that kept popping up in my head and made them insufferable.

Especially when it came to how i am attracted to others. I experience aesthetic and sensual attraction to others. Sensual attraction is the attraction that i feel the strongest.

For sensual attraction, this was when i realized that i have not felt sexual attraction my entire Life. Because my enviorment would used to ( and still ) sexualize gentle touches, kisses and anything related to that.

They talked about being sexual because these acts leads to sexual acts

Which also developped intrusive thoughts.

So anytime when i see someone and go ‘’ oh, they are so pretty! ‘’

My brain would imediately shove intrusive images in my head that i don’t enjoy and then go ‘’ it means you want to have sex with them ‘’

And what i do ofc, is that i would disagree with the thought, because this is not what it came to mind, but anytime i say that, my brain would go ‘’ you are just saying that to try to unconsciously repress sexual attraction and then deny it by forcing yourself onto labels ‘’

Or just straight up saying ‘’ if you want to hug this person it means you want to lead it to sex and you know that. And if you disagree it means that you are trying to repress sexual attraction to them and deny it ‘’

Which makes it worse because i don’t want to repress sexual attraction. This is something that i would not do and won’t do at all. This is something that is against. My morals. Why? Because i know that when you repress feelings that are normal, it can cause you

to think they are bad and that you should feel guilty for having them. This is something that i don’t think. I know sexual attraction is something normal. I now know people feel that way towards others, and i know it is normal to feel. Even though i don’t know how it feels exactly, i still know that it is normal. It is called having empathy.

It’s like how everyone in this world loves chocolate. You don’t like chocotale, you don’t get why people like it but you know it is okay to like it yk. You know it is normal and you don’t judge it

But i still get afraid of somehow repressing sexual attraction because those intrusive thoughts feel real and convincing to a point that i am genuinely afraid of doing something bad to myself somehow

Mind you, i don’t use the asexual label on myself because of that. Tbh i do feel ace but i don’t want to label myself as one because of that

But because of these unwanted thoughts and OCD latching onto my attractions and then saying that i am ‘’ repressing sexual attraction by calling them other attractions to deny my real attractions ‘’ makes it insufferable

Idk how sexual attraction feels. But anytime i say that. My brain goes ‘’ what if you do know how it feels and that you are just saying that you don’t know how it feels to repress your sexual feelings for others ‘’

This is genuinely hell, because all of that happened when i found out that there is a label that aligned with my experience….

Idk if it is my brain being aphobic/OCD problems or if it is trying to tell me something and that i am actually repressing sexual attraction ( which i don’t want to do that )

So yeah, my Life sucks. It kept relapsing for three days and it sucks. I hate talking about this, but i genuinely feel like i am the only one who experience this hell-like problem. And i dont’ want to feel alone on that.

So is there anyone who has OCD that latches onto your attractions? And if so, which one? I would like to know!

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