What if you can never live authentically?

First, let me preface this by apologizing if I break any rules or make any mistakes in this post. I’m new to this and very confused, and the last thing I want is to cause problems.

I‘m a woman in my 40s, married 20 years, with a child. Sex has always been very difficult for me, and I had some bad things happen in my early adult years that certainly didn’t help matters. My husband and I fight frequently about sex, despite having an otherwise happy relationship. After years of therapy, I made significant improvements in healing from the past bad things and no longer felt affected by them—but I still had no interest in, and could only barely tolerate, sex. From that point, additional exploration led me to discovering both asexuality and that what I understand of it so far describes my entire life from about age 15 onward.

This has been hugely destabilizing for my marriage. This is not the marriage my husband expected, and nor should he have; we didn’t know. After a period of intense conflict, we‘ve reached a detente in which he has greatly backed off his sexual asks, but also, we do not mention or discuss asexuality ever and basically pretend that this issue never came up and definitely does not exist in our house. He doesn’t understand it and feels that it is something personal against him, no matter how I try to explain. Just saying the word can send us sideways for weeks.

I’ve come to understand that I can maintain the stability in my marriage by keeping this part of my existence quiet, isolated, and hidden from the rest of me—forever. I can’t discuss it with anyone in my real life except my therapist, because our social circles are too intertwined, and my husband is terrified of his friends finding out his wife doesn’t want to sleep with him. I feel very alone and when I think about it much, I get headaches. I got one just writing this :( Thank you to anyone who made it this far. I’m sorry if I upset anyone.

https://redd.it/1nd0nn6
@asexualityonreddit

Finding a relatable story (SA trigger warning)

I posted on here a bit ago about how I was looking for people with similar experiences to mine. I have a history of sexual trauma from trying to be sexual when I am sex repulsed. Anyways, I just wanted to share that today I watched the movie “Fitting in” about a girl who is intersex and I was just crying my eyes out because aspects of the story were really relatable to me. The experience of trying to force yourself to be something you aren’t in a sexually traumatic way just isn’t something I’ve seen a lot. The story was very different than my own, but idk I guess seeing something I’ve been struggling with alone on a screen meant a lot. Lol just crying now but it’s healing I guess…?

Thanks yall for listening
😎👉👉

https://redd.it/1nd0eqn
@asexualityonreddit

The girl i like is asexual

Hi everyone, I really like this girl shes asexual and I'd say I'm more demisexual BUT I do not care about sex like i can enjoy a relationship without it. We recently both told eachother that we have feelings but I would like to know what would trigger an asexual so I can avoid ever making her feel uncomfortable, obviously I know not to say anything sexual or do anything sexual, but I'm wondering if like kisses would make them uncomfortable? What physical contact would make an asexual uncomfortable? I really like her and I want her to feel as safe as possible with me so she doesnt have to worry about thinking I want anything more than to take care of her emotionally

https://redd.it/1nd4baf
@asexualityonreddit

Am I Aromantic or just dumb?

Hello I'm 23M and for a while I've wondered if I fall somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum. I've sometimes thought of myself as an incel (purely by definition, don't fall into the extreme stuff), but the thing is, it doesn't really make much sense for me describe myself that way. I have had multiple opportunities to get a girlfriend, women have either approached me directly or have given strong hints, all of whom I rejected or ignored.

For the longest time I just brushed it off as me simply not being interested, which is kind of true. More recently I tried reflecting on specifically why I rejected these women, am I just shy? Am I stupid? Do I have too high standards? Or am I just a prick who only cares about looks (probably)?

Then I realized something... I've never really had a crush on anyone. Sure there are women I've been interested in, but only for their looks. There hasn't been a single person I've ever had any interest in dating. Traditional dating itself just sounds boring to me. While there have been a handful of situations where I thought I had some mild romantic attraction, I'm pretty sure those were just squishes.

At the same time I'm not sure if I'm Aromantic, and these are the reasons why:

I don't socialize much, maybe I just haven't met the right person and I need to put myself out there more?
I've long had a porn addiction and I wonder if that's a factor. I've heard it can kill a mans interest in pursuing relationships. At the same time I know there are plenty of people who watch porn and still experience romantic attraction.
While traditional dating doesn't appeal to me, relationship-py things like cuddling do, though I don't know if that counts as a sign that I'm not Aro.
Maybe I have some kind of avoidant attachment problem?

https://redd.it/1nd5sg9
@asexualityonreddit

I don't know if I'm asexual or faking it

I don't know if I'm confused or not but for the past 5+ years the thought of me being asexual until I told an old partner about this whole thing and they said that I fall into asexuality. Since then there is a little thought in the back of my mind telling me that I'm faking it. I've never really found the interest of having sex with anyone even when I did do it I felt guilty and disgusted by my actions. Even when I tell my friends about my fictional crushes and how I can take them like those I don't mind cause I know I'm not ACTUALLY doing it, this also goes for art that commission Im not disgusted by it is just me actually doing it makes me feel that way.The other thing that throws me off is that there are some things that make me feel something but like I don't do anything with it cause I guess I will feel awful about it

idk if I am faking it or it's something else any advice would help

https://redd.it/1nd6nl1
@asexualityonreddit

i really can’t tell what makes something romantic vs sexual

i like the idea of being close to someone, kissing, cuddling, etc. but i hate the idea of having sex with someone. i have heard people categorize kissing and even cuddling as sexual, but that doesn’t make sense to me. Is there some arbitrary distinction or is it really all up to context and personal interpretation?

https://redd.it/1nd8igg
@asexualityonreddit

i don’t understand my sexuality

sorry for the bad english in advance. i’m new to this world and i’m sure yall get hundreds of these every day but i kinda need some advice. i think i’m straight but every relationship i’ve been in i haven’t fully connected with the girls, even after sexual intercourse with them. i got in relationships with them cause i felt good being around them, but i didn’t fully feel a huge romantic interest. looking back at my past relationships i feel like an asshole for being maybe too cold. rn i’m single and i don’t feel the urge to get in a relationship nor i feel particularly attracted to anyone. i probably worded it bad idk if y’all will understand me but i could use some advice on how to better figure out my sexuality. i haven’t had any relationship with guys nor i feel attracted to them, and i might just be a weird straight guy, but thank you all in advance

https://redd.it/1nd8m11
@asexualityonreddit

Sex and Self Esteem

I've only realized fairly recently that allos tend to tie sex to their own self esteem. If their partner (or indeed a stranger) doesn't want to have sex with them for ANY reason, they take it personally. If it happens a lot, they begin to doubt themselves. Being considered sexually attractive and desirable is really important to them and can result in real feelings of anger, insecurity and despair if it doesn't happen.

Self esteem issues are also a major driver behind hook ups and affairs.

So I'm wondering, where do us asexuals fit in this? There are people here (including myself) who actively resent being considered sexually attractive. But is this universal? If someone finds you sexually attractive (regardless of your attitude to sex itself) does that boost your self esteem? Or do you resent it or are you just neutral?

https://redd.it/1ndbi9g
@asexualityonreddit

Hey brain, what the hell? (Cool character designs from Pinterest as compensation)

https://redd.it/1nddh7k
@asexualityonreddit

Intrusive thoughts

I’ve been getting intrusive sexual thoughts lately and it’s making me feel disgusting- and it’s making me question myself and my sexuality- it sucks and I just want these gross thoughts to stop. Any advice-?

https://redd.it/1ndbwxj
@asexualityonreddit