How am I not broken when I don't even want to be ace?

NSFW just to be safe. Also alt account.

I (F28) hate being ace, it just feels like a curse. I experience romantic attraction pretty easily, but I don't think I have ever felt actual sexual attraction. And there in lies the problem, I DESPERATELY WANT TO FEEL THE SEXUAL AND PASSIONATE EMOTIONS TOWARDS THE PERSON I LOVE but every time anything even remotely sexual happens I just... don't. I just feel nothing. Like I still will want to because I want to be intimate and do something she enjoys etc. but as far as lust or anything like that goes it's non existent. Everytime I am in a relationship it is the same problem.

I can feel at least some feelings when I fantasize by myself so why can't I when I'm with someone I want to do those things with??? My fantasies are never able to include an actual person, only just situations or concepts even when I'm in a relationship.

I don't think all ace people are broken, if you don't want to have sex or are happy without any sexual attraction then live you best life. But for me, not being able to feel the strong emotions that I want to towards the person I love and want to be intimate with, I'm not sure if there's a better word than broken.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do and this is making me miserable. I still hope that I'm secretly demi or just repressed and the sexual attraction will kick in at some point but I know thats not going to be the case.

https://redd.it/1n814mj
@asexualityonreddit

Advice

I don’t know if this is the right place, but I’d appreciate advice on how to broach this topic.
Basically I (male) have been going on dates with a guy for a while now, we don’t have labels or anything but it’s been nice. He’s recently told me he’s asexual and asks me my feelings on it over Snapchat. I really like him, but i don’t think I can be in a relationship where my partner sexually feels either nothing at all or to a much lesser extent. What do I say to him? It’s difficult cos he hasn’t mentioned anything about relationships so I don’t know if he’s explicitly asking about being in one with me or not (I’m autistic if you couldn’t tell lol) thanks

https://redd.it/1n899r7
@asexualityonreddit

How do I stop having wet dreams?

So a while back I used to have wet dreams frequently but I discovered that if I masturbated at least once a week it would prevent them for the most part, however I do still get them randomly. It's really annoying because it wakes me up in the middle of the night and then I have to go deal with it and clean up if needed. Anyone know any ways to stop having wet dreams?

https://redd.it/1n869pd
@asexualityonreddit

Which characters from movies, series, ... do you headcanon as ace?

I was recently watching criminal minds, and spencer reid really resonated with me. When looking it up he isnt written as ace, but in my head he is.

Just curious to see which characters you all have headcanoned as ace

https://redd.it/1n842gt
@asexualityonreddit

If you want a relationship, what do you wish for?

I‘m a 17 y/o girl, I‘ve never been in a relationship before, and no one was ever really interested in me romantically.
I feel really lonely lately, all I want is someone who will love me the same I do, I really crave gentle love.
Cuddling, holding hands, all that stuff, I just genuinely want a connection with someone, but I‘m scared I won’t find it.
I maybee want to try out being intimate, but I want my future partner to respect it in case I‘ll feel uncomfortable doing it and never want to do anything sexual again.

https://redd.it/1n8cplb
@asexualityonreddit

Allonormativity in this subreddit

Hi everyone, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in this subreddit of some unchecked, internalized allonormativity going on. I know it’s hard — dealing with internalized anything is not easy to overcome, as we’re all conditioned into it.

But it’s important that we check these things within ourselves so that we can show up for each other with more compassion and grace.

I could/can give examples of what I’m talking about, but I don’t want the discussion to devolve into arguing over that, which I see happening constantly on other posts. I think we can all agree and understand that internalized allonormativity is absolutely A Thing.

So the point that I’m trying to make here is that since we all internalize allonormativity, it is our responsibility to each other to check ourselves (and each other) when we might be projecting that allonormativity onto other aces.

If we can’t have solidarity for each other on this subreddit, then how can we expect anybody else to have solidarity for/with us?

So this is just a friendly reminder/PSA to please check the way you speak to other aces about the difficult topics that come up on this subreddit, whether the person you’re talking to is sex favorable, sex indifferent, sex averse, or sex repulsed. If you wouldn’t want an allo person saying to you what you’re saying to another ace, then perhaps reflect on why you’re saying it.

And we, as a community, need to have just as much compassion, understanding, and patience for fellow aces posting here (even if we disagree with what they’re saying) as we do for allos coming onto this subreddit for relationship advice. This is our space, after all.

https://redd.it/1n8g080
@asexualityonreddit

when and how did you all accept it?

Might seem like a weiird question but for a long time i struggled to make peace with myself. also cause people told me am broken or because i might need testosterones to be normal haha

https://redd.it/1n8j3hn
@asexualityonreddit

UK Ace Meet-Up Birmingham 21st September 🖤

Hey UK Aces 💜🖤 We are holding another Ace meet-up on Sunday 21st September in Birmingham. Starting at 12pm Meeting at Bacchus near New Street, possibly moving on to other places if weather is nice (recommendations welcome) Last time was a really good turn out, so it would be great to meet more of you! It’s a calm, safe and fun way to meet other ace people, play games, chat and have a laugh together.

Let me know if you’d be up for it, and feel free to bring friends or family if you are nervous coming alone. Hope to see you there!

https://redd.it/1n8ionj
@asexualityonreddit

What's the complete opposite of cupioromantic and cupiosexual?

...

https://redd.it/1n8gid8
@asexualityonreddit

Awesome Ace Bottle opener :D
https://redd.it/1n8n5ib
@asexualityonreddit

My wife of 20 years came out to me this week as asexual. Are there people here that made a marriage work like this?

My (43m) wife told me this week that she is asexual. We had been in something of a rut and not connecting very well lately. I’m the one that brought it up, I had been getting extremely frustrated with a lack of all kinds of affection including cuddling, touching, kissing, and sex. We’ve had a couple of conversations over the last year that revolve around the frequency and passion when we do have sex. I have been feeling like I was the only one initiating it and even when I did, she wasn’t really into it and it made me feel gross. At the conclusion of the conversation we agreed to schedule sex. So far it seems to be helping me quite a bit because it allows me to anticipate when sex will happen and not get frustrated in between.

She is my best friend and I think I am hers. We have a family and a life together that I’m confident neither of us wants to leave. But ever since we’ve had this conversation having this nagging worry that she just told me what I want to hear and now I’m ignoring a serious issue. Can two people make a lifetime together work with this kind of sexuality incompatibility? I am a person that craves affection, and I don’t think I could go without intimacy. I also have no desire to pursue it anywhere else.

Please, if you’re in this situation or have some personal experience share with me.

https://redd.it/1n8no55
@asexualityonreddit

This is for you. As a treat!
https://redd.it/1n8pd9l
@asexualityonreddit

New here, just saying hi!
https://redd.it/1n8r1gv
@asexualityonreddit

"I wish you would just decide whether or not you're asexual"

My husband said this to me today after some tough discussions in marriage counseling. He said he wishes I would just decide whether I was asexual or just low libido. I asked if he was planning on making a decision based on my answer (like divorce) and he said no but I don't believe him.

I thought most people know sexuality isn't really a choice??? I don't think I'm asexual, just very low libido, possiblity demisexual, all of which I've already told him.

https://redd.it/1n8q67w
@asexualityonreddit

This Subreddit Is the funniest shit on earth

when people are online it says X Number of people Eating GARLIC FUCKING BREAD

https://redd.it/1n8t22t
@asexualityonreddit

Horny but no attraction?

One of the most annoying things about my condition is that while I have never been aroused by a person or picture, and don't get erections, I DO feel "horny" and the need to jerk off... It's just not directed anywhere. It doesn't have an outlet, if that makes sense.

https://redd.it/1n8uztx
@asexualityonreddit

My partner is starting to resent me

For context, me (25f) and my boyfriend (26m) met in college, we dated for two years then broke up due to us just clashing towards the end. Two years ago, we started dating again after a year of separation. Everything was going perfect. We’d both been in therapy, were in good spots in life, and still loved each other. About six months ago I told him I think I might be asexual (repulsed). I was very clear with if he didn’t want to be in a sexless relationship, that I understood and wouldn’t harbor any ill will towards him. He was taken aback a bit, as I’ve had spurts of being repulsed in the past, but ultimately would start having sex again. This time I came to terms with the fact anything sexual makes me deeply uncomfortable, and serves no purpose for me. We talked for weeks about it, mulling it over with each other, and ultimately he said he was okay with it, that it would just take some adjustment for him. But recently, he’s been very short with me, makes little comments and jokes about how we don’t have sex, and tells me I don’t do enough in the relationship. I’m at a bit of a loss here, and our relationship is starting to feel like it’s on the fence constantly. He told me not to make decisions for him ( leaving because I believe he’s unhappy with my being ace), but i’m starting to feel like he’s resentful now and won’t admit it. Everytime I bring it up, he says he’s still adjusting. Maybe I’m being the unfair one, but I really need some help here. I really thought he was my person, and now I’m afraid Ive accidentally made him hate me. Advice and experiences welcome, and thank you.

https://redd.it/1n8riem
@asexualityonreddit

I like sex

I like sex because it make my pines relax

https://redd.it/1n8xb5c
@asexualityonreddit

You are Your Best Allie in Relationships. Protect Your Peace!

Please stand up for your peace in relationships! Whether that be acquaintances, platonics, romances, and sexuals, your asexuality is valid and marriage or no, dating or not, you don't have to cave to people wanting you to change your sexuality or boundaries.

For those who post about relationships where their SO (significant other) is clearly giving red flags of manipulation through "you" statements, strawman arguments, threats of cheating or divorce, and overall selfish moves to get you to have sexual relations with them: if you are posting about this, you know this is a bad thing. Trust your gut, it's not healthy and you don't need to conserve a relationship that is willing to put you in a state of constant self doubt and low value, it is just not worth it. They may change in the future, but they will not change with you giving into stripping your boundaries on love and trust. Just because someone can change, does not mean you have to be there to see it. It's your life and marriage does not make your life their right.

You are valid for loving someone, and it isn't your fault some people in your life are at a slower state of growth and not willing to share their kindness and compassion with you as you grow, too. It is not your fault some people will use your empathy to sway you into not having boundaries over your body and mind. But you should also love yourself, and you are the only allie to you that is always there and knows the facts and feelings of the situation.

Protect your peace, and if that means being single or newly divorced, you have a community. You have people out there who will help get through the process of having new space and time for yourself.

Please, just don't let your life be lead by people who show you they can't love the whole you. It isn't trapping someone to learn more about yourself in YOUR life which you are sharing with someone else, not giving it away. Being single does not have to be forever if you want connection in that way. I hope that being single for most of your life would be worth avoiding the worst relationship and pain. You do not have to suffer before your can be happy with someone.


Good luck with your relationships, and again, protect your peace. You deserve to feel safe in this world and especially with a friend, SO, and life partner 🖤🩶🤍💜

https://redd.it/1n8sduy
@asexualityonreddit

Irony
https://redd.it/1n8xd4m
@asexualityonreddit