Alloace with Asexual for 8-years
Hello everyone!
I am seeking advice on a few thoughts:
1. Why do people question my want for a platonic relationship with my Ace partner?
2. Has anyone met someone that loved other aspects of the relationship that sex didn’t overshadow everything?
3. What are some reasons (in your opinion) an Ace would attach to someone even if they don’t want to (explained later)?
4. Any successful Allo to Ace long term relationships that can give some advice from their own experience?
Me (26M) and my partner (25F) have been together for 8-years. We were each others first (yes the dirty) after 6-years in the relationship. Her loyalty has been unmatched. Even when I deployed with the Army 3-years in. In the beginning I struggled with understanding Asexuality. She wasn’t consciously aware of the term until a year ago. It was difficult for me especially being surrounded by men as a soldier whose only aspirations are to look cool in a uniform and F-around. For years I was convinced she was manipulating me, lying to me, sleeping with someone else, etc. I had high anxiety and lack of trust because this relationship dynamic made ZERO sense to everyone else’s experiences (and me).
Now that I’m 26 I’ve really grown attached to our style. Even fascinated by how sex will not control her mind. Kind of envious tbh🤣. But we’ve had some experiences that do give me slight anxiety.
When we moved in together last year we broke up. It was a hard adjustment as kids and while none of us never physically broke trust, I was surprised to find how much she relied on “fallbacks.”
Tho she is an ace “sex repulsed with no physical connection,” she seeks emotional validation. She enjoys doing photoshoots and pageant stuff for her confidence but when we broke up she went through a phase where she was accepting anyone who would give her an ear. Very quickly did it turn into stalking and even one guy following her to her hotel room asking for sex (which almost ended in a lawsuit). Another guy inviting her to a nude shoot where he would rent a hotel room and they would shower together🤣.
Anyway, a few more stories later we are back together. We’ve spent so much time talking details and even shared our social medias to have complete transparent conversations about hard experiences and mistakes.
My most difficult thoughts are understanding what she is capable of emotionally. We broke up because I did NOT actively listen to her and didn’t realize how much she needed my support. After months of that she tried to fill that gap and it really hurt. I was NOT a good partner and I fully admit that part.
We have decided to reconcile a few weeks ago. Now that we’re in therapy (only 3-sessions in) there’s so many things coming to light I didn’t pay attention to. However, I feel like even my therapist questions my desire for our relationship over sex.
When I told her I missed her more than shed and was willing to stay platonic, She (respectfully) said “How do you know if it’s the only thing you’ve ever known.”
At this point me and my partner have done some deep communication and are equally going through tough motions to listen to each other and be more open… But I still have many worries. At the moment specifically on the emotional end. It seems very sensitive and almost like a tight rope.
Thoughts?
Advice?
Thank you if you read this far!
https://redd.it/1n0t6w9
@asexualityonreddit
Hello everyone!
I am seeking advice on a few thoughts:
1. Why do people question my want for a platonic relationship with my Ace partner?
2. Has anyone met someone that loved other aspects of the relationship that sex didn’t overshadow everything?
3. What are some reasons (in your opinion) an Ace would attach to someone even if they don’t want to (explained later)?
4. Any successful Allo to Ace long term relationships that can give some advice from their own experience?
Me (26M) and my partner (25F) have been together for 8-years. We were each others first (yes the dirty) after 6-years in the relationship. Her loyalty has been unmatched. Even when I deployed with the Army 3-years in. In the beginning I struggled with understanding Asexuality. She wasn’t consciously aware of the term until a year ago. It was difficult for me especially being surrounded by men as a soldier whose only aspirations are to look cool in a uniform and F-around. For years I was convinced she was manipulating me, lying to me, sleeping with someone else, etc. I had high anxiety and lack of trust because this relationship dynamic made ZERO sense to everyone else’s experiences (and me).
Now that I’m 26 I’ve really grown attached to our style. Even fascinated by how sex will not control her mind. Kind of envious tbh🤣. But we’ve had some experiences that do give me slight anxiety.
When we moved in together last year we broke up. It was a hard adjustment as kids and while none of us never physically broke trust, I was surprised to find how much she relied on “fallbacks.”
Tho she is an ace “sex repulsed with no physical connection,” she seeks emotional validation. She enjoys doing photoshoots and pageant stuff for her confidence but when we broke up she went through a phase where she was accepting anyone who would give her an ear. Very quickly did it turn into stalking and even one guy following her to her hotel room asking for sex (which almost ended in a lawsuit). Another guy inviting her to a nude shoot where he would rent a hotel room and they would shower together🤣.
Anyway, a few more stories later we are back together. We’ve spent so much time talking details and even shared our social medias to have complete transparent conversations about hard experiences and mistakes.
My most difficult thoughts are understanding what she is capable of emotionally. We broke up because I did NOT actively listen to her and didn’t realize how much she needed my support. After months of that she tried to fill that gap and it really hurt. I was NOT a good partner and I fully admit that part.
We have decided to reconcile a few weeks ago. Now that we’re in therapy (only 3-sessions in) there’s so many things coming to light I didn’t pay attention to. However, I feel like even my therapist questions my desire for our relationship over sex.
When I told her I missed her more than shed and was willing to stay platonic, She (respectfully) said “How do you know if it’s the only thing you’ve ever known.”
At this point me and my partner have done some deep communication and are equally going through tough motions to listen to each other and be more open… But I still have many worries. At the moment specifically on the emotional end. It seems very sensitive and almost like a tight rope.
Thoughts?
Advice?
Thank you if you read this far!
https://redd.it/1n0t6w9
@asexualityonreddit
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i think sex as a woman is degrading..
i've never done it nor do i plan to, but the thought of it feels so humiliating. the penetrative part of sex just sounds like i'm being used and it's uncomfortable. if i was a man, i wouldn't mind any of this, but the penetration as a woman? seems so degrading. i don't even know how to explain this feeling. it's just knowing that a man is doing something to me and i'm taking it.. that is what makes me so uncomfortable. it's hard to explain tbh. it doesn't feel like a loving activity you do together, but more like i'm receiving it and being used for it. i don't like the feeling of " i'm doing this TO you " part of penetrative sex.. i want to feel as if i'm in control of myself
sometimes i wish i was born as a man tbh, wouldn't feel any of this and sex wouldn't be so degrading to me. idk if i have internalized misogyny or what
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i've never done it nor do i plan to, but the thought of it feels so humiliating. the penetrative part of sex just sounds like i'm being used and it's uncomfortable. if i was a man, i wouldn't mind any of this, but the penetration as a woman? seems so degrading. i don't even know how to explain this feeling. it's just knowing that a man is doing something to me and i'm taking it.. that is what makes me so uncomfortable. it's hard to explain tbh. it doesn't feel like a loving activity you do together, but more like i'm receiving it and being used for it. i don't like the feeling of " i'm doing this TO you " part of penetrative sex.. i want to feel as if i'm in control of myself
sometimes i wish i was born as a man tbh, wouldn't feel any of this and sex wouldn't be so degrading to me. idk if i have internalized misogyny or what
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Look this sub for my hispanic ace ppl
r/asexualidad
Hope this isnt breaking a rule.
https://redd.it/1n0wf3t
@asexualityonreddit
r/asexualidad
Hope this isnt breaking a rule.
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Ace, though so easily overstimulated
Hi,
This is just a post in order to share my mere mortal condition.
Basically I'm neurodiverging all over the place, and especially am very easily in a state of sensory overload.
The good part is that I don't know how pany people may enjoy music, art and any kind of aesthetic or intellectual content as intensely as I do.
The bad part is that interacting with people is a challenge considering that basically any emotional interaction with someone knocks me out and makes me stressed out for the next 5 hours.
It is obvious to me that i am asexuel on so many lever. However, aromantism isnt as clear as the former : it is not that I want a romantic relationship, but sensually-wise, I can not deny that it must be something.
"Still what is forming such bond, if not a platonic relationship ?" would you say.
The problem I face is that don't know what to say : "I like stimulation" seems really goofy to tell, and doesn't really reflects my whole point, bc it is not about something as shallow as dopamine.
Anyway, tl;dr:
"clearly asexuel, most likely aromantic, but definitely not asensual " is an idea I have not found a lot, yet I think is relevant enough to deserve a post here.
Any comment ?
https://redd.it/1n0zxsy
@asexualityonreddit
Hi,
This is just a post in order to share my mere mortal condition.
Basically I'm neurodiverging all over the place, and especially am very easily in a state of sensory overload.
The good part is that I don't know how pany people may enjoy music, art and any kind of aesthetic or intellectual content as intensely as I do.
The bad part is that interacting with people is a challenge considering that basically any emotional interaction with someone knocks me out and makes me stressed out for the next 5 hours.
It is obvious to me that i am asexuel on so many lever. However, aromantism isnt as clear as the former : it is not that I want a romantic relationship, but sensually-wise, I can not deny that it must be something.
"Still what is forming such bond, if not a platonic relationship ?" would you say.
The problem I face is that don't know what to say : "I like stimulation" seems really goofy to tell, and doesn't really reflects my whole point, bc it is not about something as shallow as dopamine.
Anyway, tl;dr:
"clearly asexuel, most likely aromantic, but definitely not asensual " is an idea I have not found a lot, yet I think is relevant enough to deserve a post here.
Any comment ?
https://redd.it/1n0zxsy
@asexualityonreddit
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Learning about sexual reproduction in science classes
My 13 year old is aroace. Today was her first day of seventh grade, and she found out they will be learning about sexual reproduction in science this year. She is dismayed by this, and thinks it will be gross.
Did anyone else here feel that way about learning about sexual reproduction? How did you deal with it?
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@asexualityonreddit
My 13 year old is aroace. Today was her first day of seventh grade, and she found out they will be learning about sexual reproduction in science this year. She is dismayed by this, and thinks it will be gross.
Did anyone else here feel that way about learning about sexual reproduction? How did you deal with it?
https://redd.it/1n0x2yf
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Why do allos think not having a relationship/having had your first time yet makes you a loser?
Like ... I get that sex is important and fun for a lot of allos. And I get that most are very much interested in getting a nice and stable relationship. But what I don't get is that it's seen as sad if you haven't had your first time/relationship yet. Me personally I've had neither. And when my friends ask: "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"
And I reply with "no", they immediately give me this look full of pity and say, "Really!? Oh my god!" I've had a friend make fun of me for not having had a boyfriend yet. Like it's something everyone has to have. I just don't get why it makes you a loser.
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@asexualityonreddit
Like ... I get that sex is important and fun for a lot of allos. And I get that most are very much interested in getting a nice and stable relationship. But what I don't get is that it's seen as sad if you haven't had your first time/relationship yet. Me personally I've had neither. And when my friends ask: "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"
And I reply with "no", they immediately give me this look full of pity and say, "Really!? Oh my god!" I've had a friend make fun of me for not having had a boyfriend yet. Like it's something everyone has to have. I just don't get why it makes you a loser.
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Do you like dressing up?
I personally hate those things and I’m curious if it is related to my lack of sexual desire.
My goal to grooming is simply to avoid looking strange to others while I feel that others aim more to appear attractive
Maybe I am feeling this way because I am a young woman and most of my friends are into dating&glow up😅
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@asexualityonreddit
I personally hate those things and I’m curious if it is related to my lack of sexual desire.
My goal to grooming is simply to avoid looking strange to others while I feel that others aim more to appear attractive
Maybe I am feeling this way because I am a young woman and most of my friends are into dating&glow up😅
https://redd.it/1n127cz
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Asexuals or aromantics, how significant is aesthetic and intellectual attraction in your social life when forming connections with others?
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Has society gotten too hypersexual in recent years?
Tw: sex mention
Lately all songs are explicitly about sex, all song performances are sexual and include almost complete nudity. As a repulsed ace, I can't be a fan of anything without a sexual song, a sexual choreography, a sexual concert, naked artists being shoved into my face. And no matter how much I love songs/performances or anything really, I just feel sick and I cannot explain this in fandom spaces without being jumped. I hope people from my community will understand this.
There's only so many songs I can relate to cake and garlic bread, yk?
https://redd.it/1n1b8h4
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Tw: sex mention
Lately all songs are explicitly about sex, all song performances are sexual and include almost complete nudity. As a repulsed ace, I can't be a fan of anything without a sexual song, a sexual choreography, a sexual concert, naked artists being shoved into my face. And no matter how much I love songs/performances or anything really, I just feel sick and I cannot explain this in fandom spaces without being jumped. I hope people from my community will understand this.
There's only so many songs I can relate to cake and garlic bread, yk?
https://redd.it/1n1b8h4
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Taking the blame for someone else's "toy."
My roomate brought his mother over to help clean part of the house. I walked by and caught her holding a bright pink you-know-what and looking at it with disgust. Later on I seen she had put it in my bathroom drawer, just sitting on top of my hygiene belongings like some kind of insult.
I have to see her again in a couple days and I'm just so embarrassed and pissed off. I can't and won't narc on her son, but knowing she assumed it was mine and me having to just go along with it makes me sick to my stomach, worse than having to actually move the fucking thing myself.
I'm venting here because I can't tell this to anyone in person, but it needs to be said so I can try to get over it before I have to go look her in the eyes and act like it never happened.
https://redd.it/1n1f7r8
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My roomate brought his mother over to help clean part of the house. I walked by and caught her holding a bright pink you-know-what and looking at it with disgust. Later on I seen she had put it in my bathroom drawer, just sitting on top of my hygiene belongings like some kind of insult.
I have to see her again in a couple days and I'm just so embarrassed and pissed off. I can't and won't narc on her son, but knowing she assumed it was mine and me having to just go along with it makes me sick to my stomach, worse than having to actually move the fucking thing myself.
I'm venting here because I can't tell this to anyone in person, but it needs to be said so I can try to get over it before I have to go look her in the eyes and act like it never happened.
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Question to alexithymic asexuals (if some are here) - how did you realize you are asexual?
Random question that just popped in my mind so now i'm curious
if someone doesn't know - having alexithymia means that the person has troubles with recognizing emotions, their own and/or other people's
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Random question that just popped in my mind so now i'm curious
if someone doesn't know - having alexithymia means that the person has troubles with recognizing emotions, their own and/or other people's
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hi guys I just came out in a extremely religious household
finally got my parents to accept me for the first time and I’m kind of surprised 🤷🏻♀️
I‘m a 14 year old asexual girl.
Story time :
I hit puberty really young and you know how teenagers go crazy and sexual and shit but I just completely lacked sexual attraction ever since I was 9 for whatever reason and I’ve been suspecting it for a while. Lacking sexual attraction was high-key depressing for me knowing that I’ll never be able to experience it. I grew up in an extremely religious household so I didn’t know how my parents would react and that only fed my sadness and worries. Eventually, 5 years later I couldn’t stand it anymore, and confronted my parents at the dinner table. I was genuinely cringing as they continued to lecture me about God nd blah blah blah whatever I’m not too serious about religion like they are... They were honestly in disbelief like… yes… it was obvious... Had to tell them what it means to be ace and they bashfully accepted it. Woo-hoo I guess, wasn’t expecting it but hey atleast I get to express myself 😁
https://redd.it/1n15szd
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finally got my parents to accept me for the first time and I’m kind of surprised 🤷🏻♀️
I‘m a 14 year old asexual girl.
Story time :
I hit puberty really young and you know how teenagers go crazy and sexual and shit but I just completely lacked sexual attraction ever since I was 9 for whatever reason and I’ve been suspecting it for a while. Lacking sexual attraction was high-key depressing for me knowing that I’ll never be able to experience it. I grew up in an extremely religious household so I didn’t know how my parents would react and that only fed my sadness and worries. Eventually, 5 years later I couldn’t stand it anymore, and confronted my parents at the dinner table. I was genuinely cringing as they continued to lecture me about God nd blah blah blah whatever I’m not too serious about religion like they are... They were honestly in disbelief like… yes… it was obvious... Had to tell them what it means to be ace and they bashfully accepted it. Woo-hoo I guess, wasn’t expecting it but hey atleast I get to express myself 😁
https://redd.it/1n15szd
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I hate how everything is a “fetish”
the internet culture and consensus is that the stuff i liked when i was a kid needs to mandatorily be fetishized and sexualized. i don’t like to kink shame people but it’s extremely frustrating to be unable to draw comfort art without someone treating it like a fetish. People would regularly say incredibly creepy stuff about my vent and comfort art when i was a minor and now if i try to draw what makes me happy people react as if i’ve drawn porn and it’s really fucking disgusting.
This has definitely contributed to my overall sex negativity/sex repulsion but it is genuinely triggering to me how much the internet feels a need to make everything about sex. If you’re the kind of person who gets off to the stuff i found comfort in as a child, fine, but do not project that onto me or onto literal children just trying to enjoy things. it gets to the point where even just involving children in the things that i liked to do as a child is some horrible thing and it’s like. jesus christ im so sick of horny people projecting their shit onto everything else. keep your fetishes to yourself and don’t assume just because someone enjoys something you happen to get off to means they also get off to it.
https://redd.it/1n1mnem
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the internet culture and consensus is that the stuff i liked when i was a kid needs to mandatorily be fetishized and sexualized. i don’t like to kink shame people but it’s extremely frustrating to be unable to draw comfort art without someone treating it like a fetish. People would regularly say incredibly creepy stuff about my vent and comfort art when i was a minor and now if i try to draw what makes me happy people react as if i’ve drawn porn and it’s really fucking disgusting.
This has definitely contributed to my overall sex negativity/sex repulsion but it is genuinely triggering to me how much the internet feels a need to make everything about sex. If you’re the kind of person who gets off to the stuff i found comfort in as a child, fine, but do not project that onto me or onto literal children just trying to enjoy things. it gets to the point where even just involving children in the things that i liked to do as a child is some horrible thing and it’s like. jesus christ im so sick of horny people projecting their shit onto everything else. keep your fetishes to yourself and don’t assume just because someone enjoys something you happen to get off to means they also get off to it.
https://redd.it/1n1mnem
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