“Nothing has to happen” I just need to share this in case someone has experienced something similar.
I’m so overwhelmed, and I’m crying, and I just need to get this off my chest.
I’ve had 3 people confess to me in my life. Every time, they expected us to either get together, or be friendzoned. Just like that, no in-between and talking and discussing boundaries. Just if I liked them, we were dating, and if I didn’t, they would stop talking to me. Or worse.
*a bit of a trigger warning for s*x*al as*ault, and manipulation in this part of the story, if you want to skip past this, there will be a line where the trigger warning ends.*
The first person who confessed to me didn’t confess as much as she asked if I liked girls, and when I said yes she got really, really touchy. I won’t go into detail but it escalated even though I said I was uncomfortable and I don’t talk to her anymore.
The second was my first boyfriend. I said I was figuring out my feelings and *thought* I might like him back, and after that phone call alone he declared us together. He then sent me his BDSM test results, and would make uncomfortable comments.
When I called him and told him I wasn’t comfortable he told me I wasn’t reacting “correctly” to affection because no one has ever cared about me before. And I believed him.
The third person told me he liked me, and for the first time I was comfortable with the label, I told him I am asexual. And he said okay, and then followed me around for a month crying about how I don’t like him back so life sucks, and I’ll never be able to help him with mental issues in the same way since we aren’t dating.
I didn’t even say I didn’t like him back. It was as if asexual just meant he was eternally friendzoned, and he clearly didn’t take it well.
——————————————————————
*TRIGGER WARNING ENDS HERE!* (sorry about formatting, I’m on mobile.)
Fast forward to now, I’ve been talking to a guy recently. He’s really sweet but I was realizing he had feelings, and was honestly getting stressed about it.
I’m still going back and forth on romantic orientation and figuring all that out. Past experiences are making that kind of hard, and I really don’t want to play with anyone’s feelings, or repeat one of the above experiences.
He told me today. He let me know that he likes me. I started bracing to call him and explain that I was still figuring things out and I’m not sure if I like him or not, and past experiences make the thought of a relationship really stressful and I’m not ready for that, but before I could, he texted me.
*“Nothing has to happen. I just thought you should know. I just think you’re awesome, and it’s great just being your friend if that’s all you’re comfortable with.”*
Now I’m crying. I’ve never felt so genuinely understood and listened to. And I guess it’s taught me the difference between someone who respects me and someone who doesn’t.
So fellow aces: don’t let people make you feel dumb, or broken for not being comfortable with stuff. You are completely allowed to set boundaries and enforce them!
TL:DR: I’ve had some really bad, uncomfortable experiences with people telling me they are interested in me as more than a friend. So when my friend told me he liked me, I started panicking, only for him to say nothing needs to happen right away or in general. My stress flew right away and now I’m crying from relief. Lol
https://redd.it/ou962f
@asexualityonreddit
I’m so overwhelmed, and I’m crying, and I just need to get this off my chest.
I’ve had 3 people confess to me in my life. Every time, they expected us to either get together, or be friendzoned. Just like that, no in-between and talking and discussing boundaries. Just if I liked them, we were dating, and if I didn’t, they would stop talking to me. Or worse.
*a bit of a trigger warning for s*x*al as*ault, and manipulation in this part of the story, if you want to skip past this, there will be a line where the trigger warning ends.*
The first person who confessed to me didn’t confess as much as she asked if I liked girls, and when I said yes she got really, really touchy. I won’t go into detail but it escalated even though I said I was uncomfortable and I don’t talk to her anymore.
The second was my first boyfriend. I said I was figuring out my feelings and *thought* I might like him back, and after that phone call alone he declared us together. He then sent me his BDSM test results, and would make uncomfortable comments.
When I called him and told him I wasn’t comfortable he told me I wasn’t reacting “correctly” to affection because no one has ever cared about me before. And I believed him.
The third person told me he liked me, and for the first time I was comfortable with the label, I told him I am asexual. And he said okay, and then followed me around for a month crying about how I don’t like him back so life sucks, and I’ll never be able to help him with mental issues in the same way since we aren’t dating.
I didn’t even say I didn’t like him back. It was as if asexual just meant he was eternally friendzoned, and he clearly didn’t take it well.
——————————————————————
*TRIGGER WARNING ENDS HERE!* (sorry about formatting, I’m on mobile.)
Fast forward to now, I’ve been talking to a guy recently. He’s really sweet but I was realizing he had feelings, and was honestly getting stressed about it.
I’m still going back and forth on romantic orientation and figuring all that out. Past experiences are making that kind of hard, and I really don’t want to play with anyone’s feelings, or repeat one of the above experiences.
He told me today. He let me know that he likes me. I started bracing to call him and explain that I was still figuring things out and I’m not sure if I like him or not, and past experiences make the thought of a relationship really stressful and I’m not ready for that, but before I could, he texted me.
*“Nothing has to happen. I just thought you should know. I just think you’re awesome, and it’s great just being your friend if that’s all you’re comfortable with.”*
Now I’m crying. I’ve never felt so genuinely understood and listened to. And I guess it’s taught me the difference between someone who respects me and someone who doesn’t.
So fellow aces: don’t let people make you feel dumb, or broken for not being comfortable with stuff. You are completely allowed to set boundaries and enforce them!
TL:DR: I’ve had some really bad, uncomfortable experiences with people telling me they are interested in me as more than a friend. So when my friend told me he liked me, I started panicking, only for him to say nothing needs to happen right away or in general. My stress flew right away and now I’m crying from relief. Lol
https://redd.it/ou962f
@asexualityonreddit
reddit
“Nothing has to happen” I just need to share this in case someone...
I’m so overwhelmed, and I’m crying, and I just need to get this off my chest. I’ve had 3 people confess to me in my life. Every time, they...
My little brother's 3D printer has a cable with the Ace and Rainbow flags!
https://redd.it/ou9ewa
@asexualityonreddit
https://redd.it/ou9ewa
@asexualityonreddit
I came out to my husband. What a nightmare.
(Deep breath) It came up sort of organically. We were making jokes and my husband started to make some sexual jokes. I personally HATE sexual humor. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I then tried switching the topic. Unfortunately, he noticed I was feeling uncomfortable and addressed it. That was actually fine with me. It gave me the opportunity to come out to him as graysexual. He rolled his eyes and looked upset. That’s when I asked him about his feelings. He said he was “disappointed.” I had my guard up at this point and I explained nothing about me or our relationship has changed. Then proceeded to ask him what he meant by “disappointed.” I was thinking I might have misinterpreted him. He said “I just wish I was with someone who liked sex more.” This shook me. I feel like I’m not good enough because I’m not really a sexual person.
Edit:Small mistakes
https://redd.it/ouckp8
@asexualityonreddit
(Deep breath) It came up sort of organically. We were making jokes and my husband started to make some sexual jokes. I personally HATE sexual humor. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I then tried switching the topic. Unfortunately, he noticed I was feeling uncomfortable and addressed it. That was actually fine with me. It gave me the opportunity to come out to him as graysexual. He rolled his eyes and looked upset. That’s when I asked him about his feelings. He said he was “disappointed.” I had my guard up at this point and I explained nothing about me or our relationship has changed. Then proceeded to ask him what he meant by “disappointed.” I was thinking I might have misinterpreted him. He said “I just wish I was with someone who liked sex more.” This shook me. I feel like I’m not good enough because I’m not really a sexual person.
Edit:Small mistakes
https://redd.it/ouckp8
@asexualityonreddit
reddit
I came out to my husband. What a nightmare.
(*Deep breath*) It came up sort of organically. We were making jokes and my husband started to make some sexual jokes. I personally HATE sexual...
Thank you Todd! I really like the way he embraced it after he understood it.
https://redd.it/ouhmmv
@asexualityonreddit
https://redd.it/ouhmmv
@asexualityonreddit
I thought we were supposed to be inclusive
I just saw a thread about whether “straight” asexuals should be allowed in the community. I constantly saw people brushing off the experiences of other people just so they could say they were right. There’s so much aphobia in a community that’s supposed to be inclusive
https://redd.it/oul1hp
@asexualityonreddit
I just saw a thread about whether “straight” asexuals should be allowed in the community. I constantly saw people brushing off the experiences of other people just so they could say they were right. There’s so much aphobia in a community that’s supposed to be inclusive
https://redd.it/oul1hp
@asexualityonreddit
reddit
I thought we were supposed to be inclusive
I just saw a thread about whether “straight” asexuals should be allowed in the community. I constantly saw people brushing off the experiences of...
defining asexuality and label usage: in response to a recent claim that the ace community is becoming an “exclusionary group”
cw : (non-graphic) frequent use of terms and discussion of things pertaining to sexuality
hey everyone! I just recently discovered that I’m asexual several months ago, and while I haven’t participated a ton in this sub, it’s played a major role in helping me understand and accept myself :) so thank you to all you lovely peeps, you’re fantastic and I appreciate you!
I’ve included a tldr at the bottom and bolded the main points throughout, this is a long post. I’m interested in hearing others’ perspectives on this issue.
someone recently made a post in this sub in which they argued that the asexual label can be claimed based off of low libido, sex-aversion, or disinterest in sex alone, and using a definition that doesn’t involve those things is exclusionary. I strongly disagree and decided to respond with my two cents in my own post. this will also serve as my contribution to the larger discussion surrounding asexuality and sexuality in general.
I know this goes without saying, but please do not seek out the original poster and harass them. I’m making this post in an attempt to make the discussion around asexuality easier to navigate, not to belittle anybody or invalidate their experiences. any efforts made to help educate others should always be done respectfully and in good faith. now let’s get down to business:
following are the widely accepted definitions of terms relevant to the conversation surrounding sexuality. while related, they are separate and completely independent. people often conflate sexual orientation with other aspects of sexuality, when in reality they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. it is crucial to differentiate between these things in order to establish clear communication.
- sexuality is a broad term that encompasses many different things related to sexual identity, including (but not limited to) sexual orientation, libido, sex favorability, sexual activity, and sexual values.
- sexual orientation is the aspect of a person’s sexual identity determined by the gender(s) that they experience sexual attraction towards. heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and asexual are all examples of sexual orientations.
- sexual attraction is the experience of being sexually aroused by another person, or finding them appealing in a sexual way. this means having an urge to be sexually intimate with that person, even if there is no intent or desire to act upon that urge.
- libido or sex drive is a person’s overall desire for sexual activity, or the frequency at which they experience sexual arousal. libido can range from extremely frequent arousal (hypersexuality) to extremely rare arousal (hyposexuality).
- sex favorability is a term used to describe the degree to which an individual favors sexual intimacy. everyone has their own level of sex favorability, which can range from sex-averse, to sex-favorable, to sex-indifferent, to anywhere in-between.
- sexual activity is the participation in sexual acts, whether individually or with another person or people. someone who engages sexually with others is sexually active; someone who refrains from sexual engagement with others is sexually abstinent.
- sexual values are the principles people have surrounding sexuality, and can be held at both personal and societal levels. widely accepted sexual values include consent, safety, honesty, and mutual pleasure.
as stated above, sexual orientation is only determined by the gender(s) towards which someone experiences sexual attraction, and nothing else. though a minority, there exists a sexual orientation in which a person experiences little or no sexual attraction, towards any gender. the term prescribed to this sexual orientation is asexuality. a person who has this sexual orientation is asexual. in contrast, the majority of people have one of several sexual orientations in which they experience usual amounts of sexual
cw : (non-graphic) frequent use of terms and discussion of things pertaining to sexuality
hey everyone! I just recently discovered that I’m asexual several months ago, and while I haven’t participated a ton in this sub, it’s played a major role in helping me understand and accept myself :) so thank you to all you lovely peeps, you’re fantastic and I appreciate you!
I’ve included a tldr at the bottom and bolded the main points throughout, this is a long post. I’m interested in hearing others’ perspectives on this issue.
someone recently made a post in this sub in which they argued that the asexual label can be claimed based off of low libido, sex-aversion, or disinterest in sex alone, and using a definition that doesn’t involve those things is exclusionary. I strongly disagree and decided to respond with my two cents in my own post. this will also serve as my contribution to the larger discussion surrounding asexuality and sexuality in general.
I know this goes without saying, but please do not seek out the original poster and harass them. I’m making this post in an attempt to make the discussion around asexuality easier to navigate, not to belittle anybody or invalidate their experiences. any efforts made to help educate others should always be done respectfully and in good faith. now let’s get down to business:
following are the widely accepted definitions of terms relevant to the conversation surrounding sexuality. while related, they are separate and completely independent. people often conflate sexual orientation with other aspects of sexuality, when in reality they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. it is crucial to differentiate between these things in order to establish clear communication.
- sexuality is a broad term that encompasses many different things related to sexual identity, including (but not limited to) sexual orientation, libido, sex favorability, sexual activity, and sexual values.
- sexual orientation is the aspect of a person’s sexual identity determined by the gender(s) that they experience sexual attraction towards. heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and asexual are all examples of sexual orientations.
- sexual attraction is the experience of being sexually aroused by another person, or finding them appealing in a sexual way. this means having an urge to be sexually intimate with that person, even if there is no intent or desire to act upon that urge.
- libido or sex drive is a person’s overall desire for sexual activity, or the frequency at which they experience sexual arousal. libido can range from extremely frequent arousal (hypersexuality) to extremely rare arousal (hyposexuality).
- sex favorability is a term used to describe the degree to which an individual favors sexual intimacy. everyone has their own level of sex favorability, which can range from sex-averse, to sex-favorable, to sex-indifferent, to anywhere in-between.
- sexual activity is the participation in sexual acts, whether individually or with another person or people. someone who engages sexually with others is sexually active; someone who refrains from sexual engagement with others is sexually abstinent.
- sexual values are the principles people have surrounding sexuality, and can be held at both personal and societal levels. widely accepted sexual values include consent, safety, honesty, and mutual pleasure.
as stated above, sexual orientation is only determined by the gender(s) towards which someone experiences sexual attraction, and nothing else. though a minority, there exists a sexual orientation in which a person experiences little or no sexual attraction, towards any gender. the term prescribed to this sexual orientation is asexuality. a person who has this sexual orientation is asexual. in contrast, the majority of people have one of several sexual orientations in which they experience usual amounts of sexual
attraction, towards any gender. the term for these sexual orientations collectively is allosexuality. a person who has any of these sexual orientations is allosexual.
the only distinguishing factor between asexual individuals and allosexual individuals is the amount of sexual attraction that they experience, regardless of which gender(s) that attraction is experienced towards. asexual individuals who are hypersexual, sex-favorable, and sexually active exist. allosexual individuals who are hyposexual, sex-averse, and sexually abstinent exist.
our goal as a community and as individuals is to be understood and accepted. however, it is counterproductive to misuse and carelessly “slap on” labels to something. all that leads to is chaos and confusion. I’ve seen asexuality—my sexual orientation and a part of my identity—invalidated over and over again by people who are misinformed. I’ve heard people dismiss asexuality as fake/just a phase/not real because, “I used to be asexual, but sex is fulfilling and enjoyable now that I’m in a long-term relationship with my partner,” or, “my friend thought he was asexual, but he got medicine that increased his libido and now he’s better.” when asexuality is equated to something that it’s not, it’s so easy to be dismissed.
knowing how to distinguish the different aspects of sexuality from each other is really important, and can prove to be a useful tool in effective communication. I believe that if we all take the time to truly understand and accurately identify our own experiences, we will be better able to validate and support each other in our journeys of self discovery. because when we understand and appreciate ourselves, our minds and hearts open to understand and appreciate others.
now, you may learn that you’re part of a minority outside of the cis/het/allonormative mold, but have been inaccurately applying the asexual label to describe your situation and are wondering where you fit in. are your experiences real and valid? absolutely. are you welcome in the LGBTQIA+/GSRM community? with open arms. at the end of the day, it is not my place to tell you which labels you may or may not identify yourself with. I just ask that you be mindful of the implications that come with using those labels, especially when you use them to represent something that doesn’t align with the general consensus.
we live in a big world, and there is room for everybody to explore themselves, find a label that suits them, or have no label at all and just vibe. diversity is beautiful, welcome, and appreciated. everybody is unique with their own experiences and identity. the one thing that we all share is being a part of humanity, and I’m glad to be sharing it with you. thank you for reading :)
••••••
tldr: it is not exclusionary to create a label for a specific experience that only a minority of people share. and it is not gatekeeping to ask people to not misrepresent or disrespect the implications of that label. we can validate and support each other better when we understand and accurately use labels.
https://redd.it/oun9we
@asexualityonreddit
the only distinguishing factor between asexual individuals and allosexual individuals is the amount of sexual attraction that they experience, regardless of which gender(s) that attraction is experienced towards. asexual individuals who are hypersexual, sex-favorable, and sexually active exist. allosexual individuals who are hyposexual, sex-averse, and sexually abstinent exist.
our goal as a community and as individuals is to be understood and accepted. however, it is counterproductive to misuse and carelessly “slap on” labels to something. all that leads to is chaos and confusion. I’ve seen asexuality—my sexual orientation and a part of my identity—invalidated over and over again by people who are misinformed. I’ve heard people dismiss asexuality as fake/just a phase/not real because, “I used to be asexual, but sex is fulfilling and enjoyable now that I’m in a long-term relationship with my partner,” or, “my friend thought he was asexual, but he got medicine that increased his libido and now he’s better.” when asexuality is equated to something that it’s not, it’s so easy to be dismissed.
knowing how to distinguish the different aspects of sexuality from each other is really important, and can prove to be a useful tool in effective communication. I believe that if we all take the time to truly understand and accurately identify our own experiences, we will be better able to validate and support each other in our journeys of self discovery. because when we understand and appreciate ourselves, our minds and hearts open to understand and appreciate others.
now, you may learn that you’re part of a minority outside of the cis/het/allonormative mold, but have been inaccurately applying the asexual label to describe your situation and are wondering where you fit in. are your experiences real and valid? absolutely. are you welcome in the LGBTQIA+/GSRM community? with open arms. at the end of the day, it is not my place to tell you which labels you may or may not identify yourself with. I just ask that you be mindful of the implications that come with using those labels, especially when you use them to represent something that doesn’t align with the general consensus.
we live in a big world, and there is room for everybody to explore themselves, find a label that suits them, or have no label at all and just vibe. diversity is beautiful, welcome, and appreciated. everybody is unique with their own experiences and identity. the one thing that we all share is being a part of humanity, and I’m glad to be sharing it with you. thank you for reading :)
••••••
tldr: it is not exclusionary to create a label for a specific experience that only a minority of people share. and it is not gatekeeping to ask people to not misrepresent or disrespect the implications of that label. we can validate and support each other better when we understand and accurately use labels.
https://redd.it/oun9we
@asexualityonreddit
reddit
defining asexuality and label usage: in response to a recent claim...
**cw : (non-graphic) frequent use of terms and discussion of things pertaining to sexuality** hey everyone! I just recently discovered that I’m...