does anyone else find themselves to force themself to want attention from other people?

For context, I'm F19, sex-averse, and I live in a college dorm with 3 other girls who are straight and allosexual/romantic. They're all attractive and what society would call the norm.

I know I'm ace, but I've been so confused on if I'm aro or not because I don't know if I'm just forcing myself to want attention from guys or if I actually want their attention. I'm just an indecisive person in general, but there are so many things I go back and forth on. Like if I'm romantically attracted to guys or if I only feel like I do because I want to fit in with everyone around me. OR if I'm only doubting my romantic feelings because I know I'm not conventionally attractive and I get no reciprocated feelings. Does that even make sense?

Anyways, this year I've started adding guys on snap and talking to them and scoping out cute guys with my roommates, but I literally can't decide if I actually want that or if I'm just desperate to fit in with them. I know I've also just half given up on myself finding someone because the ace community is so small and I feel like I'd never find an allo guy who's find with a sexless relationship.

Thanks for any advice you can give <3

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@asexualityonreddit

Does anyone else experience demisexuality in this way?

I’m curious whether anyone else experiences their demisexuality the way I do:

I often hear folks on the aro/ace spectrum describe their sexuality in terms that can be characterized as “not as much”. E.g. not as much attraction, not as much interest as allo folks, or lack of interest/attractions on occasions where allo folks might have it. I sort of relate to that in general. My interest seems a bit less than most allo folks I know.

But my demi identity is experienced as “more than”. I.e. It can lead me to be interested at times when an allo person might not be. I hear (and have seen) a lot of allo people give up on someone if they don’t have the spark the first they meet or they don’t experience “chemistry” (whatever that is) on the first date. I have many times had the experience of not being attracted to a person at first, but as they begin to mean something to me, an attraction grows where it wasn’t before. It has even happened with people whose gender presentation isn’t normally one that would get me to notice them physically.

For this reason, I’m inclined to continue dating and getting to know someone for whom I don’t initially feel something if they seem like a decent person and are good company. I can end up feeling something for someone where an allo person who expects a quicker spark would have given up.

In that sense, my demisexuality leads me to be *more* interested than an allo person might be, instead of less.

Do any other folks experience their demisexuality as a “more than” rather than a “not as much”?

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@asexualityonreddit

I am so immensely disgusted by the way certain people talk about their sexual needs

Since I have no idea if this is just the way most people might think, I figured I'd share my frustrations somewhere people might relate to my perspective better.

This is of course mostly an internet thing in my view - but it concerns me because these people still exist in the physical world and the internet is after all quite influential these days.

It is absolutely insane how some men unironically want to blackmail society for sex. Apparently, saying that men who become violent because they don't get "enough" sex are entirely at fault for it makes me a misandrist. I even got responses genuinely comparing this to poor people revolting because there's a famine.

Am I the crazy one here? Is this supposed to be normal? How do these guys not realise how pathetic it makes them look when they actually use "I'm a slave to my primal urges" as an argument. I'm a guy myself, and I am. So. Sick. Of men trying to blame our "nature" for their horrible views and behaviour.

Update: I was just compared to an aristocrat scoffing at the suffering of peasants around the time of the French Revolution. Because clearly, I wouldn't be saying the same thing if I was a guy.

Lol. I literally am 😭

https://redd.it/1mzrw3d
@asexualityonreddit

In relationship with asexual having many questions and not that simple answers

Hello guys, I'm 21yo guy dating 25yo girl that is asexual, and I have many questions about this matter because all my assumptions seem to be wrong or not so clear.

So first thing first, I'm not asexual guy, although I don't dislike having sex, but imo it's not something that I must have every Thursday or like that. That's main reason why I'm still with her, I respect her sexuality but to her it just seem too unreal apperantly. I don't know what more should I do, to prove to her, I'm not dating her because of sex, but because I like her the way she is, as a person.

Another thing is that she said she hates that I don't have sex, so she has given me two alternatives. First one is that I should have sex with other people (which I really dislike, cause imo sex is something that connects people, because they love each other) and second is she said she has cnc kink. I'm just little bit confused in this matter, she says she is asexual, but asks me to (harshly said) rape her. Is it a thing that asexuals can have this type of kink or any sexual kink whatsoever?

I just like her personality, but I feel like she doesn't want to date me, because I'm not asexual and there would be this tension, that I look at her in sexual way. Would live if anyone has opinion on this matter. Thanks a lot <3

https://redd.it/1mzw2xf
@asexualityonreddit

I'm claiming teto and you can't stop me MUAHAHA
https://redd.it/1mzx5g8
@asexualityonreddit

anyone else just enjoy the buildup to sex?

i’m asexual (duh) and i’m with my gf that is allo and we don’t have sex super frequently because i don’t really have libido but when we do i don’t mind it at all. but i dont do any of the receiving so i find myself enjoying the buildup up and foreplay or whatever but when the actual sex is happening i kinda start zoning out. and sometimes internally i feel bad cuz she is obviously WAY more into what’s happening than i am

https://redd.it/1mzvhg8
@asexualityonreddit

How do you know if you’re asexual or just too young?

I feel like I might be asexual but I don’t know if it’s just because I’m still a teenager and haven’t had the chance to feel sexual attraction yet

https://redd.it/1mzst3j
@asexualityonreddit

My bf thinks I might be ace?

So this is weird for me. Im not necessarily sex adverse and I always thought ACE meant not liking/wanting sex. After a quick scroll I'm seeing this may not be the case.

So Im just going to explain my feelings on sex. I like it. Its fun. I do think about it semi regularly. I do masturbate, but sex with a partner is very take it or leave it. I'd rather just do it myself if I'm in the mood.

Me and my bf had a ton of sex when first got together, but we've been together for almost 4 years and its pretty much only a thing if he asks. And sometimes I just try for him and it makes me wanna cry(I obviously communicate this and we stop. Hes not an dick lol)

The part that I had to explain to him is the physical attraction part. I just dont experience it. I can like aspects of a person and think theyre attractive, but it dont elicit any sort of physical reaction in me unless I'm ALREADY in the mood. Like a person's appearance or actions cant like... get me going. Im either going or I'm not. Idk if this is making sense.

Help?

https://redd.it/1n01wwl
@asexualityonreddit

For any alloace who needs to hear this…

I’m sure I’m not the only one who does this so I figure this might help other people.

STOP DOOM-SCROLLING ABOUT ASEXUALITY.

Do not look at r/DeadBedrooms, don’t look at old askreddit threads about if people would date asexuals or not, none of that. Reddit is a cesspool of misinformation, biases and assholes, and looking at this kind of content is just going to make you feel unlovable and broken, when you’re neither of those things.

I do it, I’m sure many people here do it, no more doing that.

https://redd.it/1n03i7d
@asexualityonreddit

new ace headcanon unlocked

https://redd.it/1n02oqb
@asexualityonreddit

Is it bad to be put off by sexual touching?

I only recently fully accepted being a sex-neutral/sex-averse ace who is not ok with sex in most cases but I have a history of not liking sexual touch (boob/butt touching, thigh touching, etc) in relationships/feeling disgusted by it. Ofc I could just be an evil woman hellbent on ruining men’s time, but is it really awful to set this boundary/is asking someone to get your consent before touching you sexually in any way, even an “innocent one” (I still don’t believe that it’s innocent one) controlling/rigid/stressful for allos?

https://redd.it/1n09i58
@asexualityonreddit

Being asexual in college

Possible TW for mild aphobia!! I can’t put more than one flair on a post, otherwise I would.

I really wish somebody would have been able to tell me how difficult it was going to be being asexual in college. Especially sex-repulsed asexual.

Not only is everyone much more open about being sexually active in college (which I did anticipate), but god, no one will stop talking about it. Like, at all.

Part of the reason I identify as a sex repulsed asexual is because I hate hate hate hate being perceived as a sexual being in any capacity, and that’s making it really difficult for me because that’s all people perceive me as right now. I keep trying to make friends, but I’m finding a good number of people only want to talk to me because they think I’m going to sleep with them. I know I dress up more than the average person, but I really don’t think I wear anything provocative at all, so I don’t understand where this is coming from.

On top of that, every time I mention not having people over to sleep with in our dorm while I’m unable to leave (or asking me to leave if I am able to), I’m met with resistance. Not just from my roommates, but also from my very close high school friends that I used to spend all my time with when I try to talk with them about the trouble I’m having. They act like I’m being entitled by asking for common courtesy and keep telling me to just get over it. (For clarification: I do not expect my roommates or the people around me to simply not have sex. I don’t care if they do or not — I just don’t wanna be around when it happens. I really don’t feel like this is that much of an ask, especially considering I wouldn’t wanna be around for that if I was allo, either.)

I really don’t know what to do. It’s been a week and I haven’t been able to make progress on making any friends at all. I’ve never felt this outcasted as a direct result from being asexual before. In high school, nobody cared that I was ace. Now, it seems to be causing so many problems.

I can’t wait to move off campus and be by myself so I don’t have to deal with all of this. I just wanna live alone with a cat and get my degree already.

https://redd.it/1n0aa2g
@asexualityonreddit

Im tired of sex in media any suggestions for good media that doesn’t have it

Kind of a rant

So i’ve started watching ‘Stranger Things’ and although i enjoy its scifi I HATE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ITS SEX SCENES. Like congrats you’re the 157th show with soft core porn in it.

Anyways what im asking is, ya’ll got any suggestions somewhat similar to stranger things or anything good that doesn’t have sex in it. Im so done with seeing that stuff if I want to watch it i’d go to porn hub

https://redd.it/1n0bzdd
@asexualityonreddit

“F me eyes”

when i was actually social, one thing i was told painfully often was that my eyes were provocative, or ‘asking for something’, or i was ‘undressing you with my eyes’.

one of my biggest pet peeves about allosexual people is their need to make everything an invitation to a sexual encounter depending on how attracted they are to you. they’ll then claim ‘nobody’ loves them and ‘the entire gender ain’t shit’ and it’s literally just whoever they wanted isn’t interested in their super speed advances.

anybody else have the issue of ‘accidentally’ flirting by way of body language? speaking of which, why does so much allosexual kindness have a heavy weight on how attractive they find you?

https://redd.it/1n0b5kk
@asexualityonreddit

I'm too handsy :(

Partner is sex-favorable ace, dating for two years. Tonight we were cuddling and I asked, "How do you like to be touched?" They seemed kind of annoyed at the question, then they were very blunt with me. Other than massage, they find most touch overstimulating. Turns out, this whole time they've been putting up with a lot of touch that they didn't particularly enjoy, and it just never came up.

We've talked about touch in the past, and I knew there were some specific areas they don't like touched. But this is the first time they have told me they just don't enjoy most touch, period.

I love being touched. Before this conversation, I loved touching my partner. Now I suddenly learn that something I thought they liked is actually unpleasant to them, and they've been putting up with it... for TWO YEARS

They do seem to enjoy cuddling and kissing, but at this point I'm a little afraid to ask directly...

Y'all, I'm MORTIFIED. It's not that they don't like what I like. I knew we had different preferences going into the relationship, and we make it work. But to put up with something that they didn't like, for so long... Am I unreasonable for feeling hurt by the lack of communication?

I had to take some alone time, so we haven't talked about it further. How should I approach this when we talk about it again? How can I encourage them to express their preferences more proactively?

https://redd.it/1n0e1v8
@asexualityonreddit

I’ve finally figured out what I want to label by sexuality and romantic orientation as, for now at least😁
https://redd.it/1n0giez
@asexualityonreddit

What's the equivalent of a "casual relationship" for an asexual person?

I don't know if this question sounds silly, but i've been thinking a lot about this. The more i get into relationships or hear others talk about them, it always feels that people do get in casual relationships because they don't want the ties that a long term relationship does have.

But most of the time casual relationships to allosexuals are like...mostly.. hookups

What's the equivalent for an asexual person?

https://redd.it/1n0in7x
@asexualityonreddit

Opinions on smut?

I personally don’t read much smut, I’m kinda indifferent about it I guess. When I do read it I generally really enjoy the buildup and tension bit get grossed out and leave the second genitals start being described.

I am lucky enough to have three ace/aspec irl friends, and two of them have told me their opinions on this. One of them finds it absolutely hilarious and so enjoys it, and the other genuinely really likes it.

So I was curious about what the divide is on a wider scale. What’re you guys’ thoughts on smut?

https://redd.it/1n0h027
@asexualityonreddit

Conversation I had today 😉
https://redd.it/1n0ik4r
@asexualityonreddit