I thought we were supposed to be inclusive
I just saw a thread about whether “straight” asexuals should be allowed in the community. I constantly saw people brushing off the experiences of other people just so they could say they were right. There’s so much aphobia in a community that’s supposed to be inclusive
https://redd.it/oul1hp
@asexualityonreddit
I just saw a thread about whether “straight” asexuals should be allowed in the community. I constantly saw people brushing off the experiences of other people just so they could say they were right. There’s so much aphobia in a community that’s supposed to be inclusive
https://redd.it/oul1hp
@asexualityonreddit
reddit
I thought we were supposed to be inclusive
I just saw a thread about whether “straight” asexuals should be allowed in the community. I constantly saw people brushing off the experiences of...
defining asexuality and label usage: in response to a recent claim that the ace community is becoming an “exclusionary group”
cw : (non-graphic) frequent use of terms and discussion of things pertaining to sexuality
hey everyone! I just recently discovered that I’m asexual several months ago, and while I haven’t participated a ton in this sub, it’s played a major role in helping me understand and accept myself :) so thank you to all you lovely peeps, you’re fantastic and I appreciate you!
I’ve included a tldr at the bottom and bolded the main points throughout, this is a long post. I’m interested in hearing others’ perspectives on this issue.
someone recently made a post in this sub in which they argued that the asexual label can be claimed based off of low libido, sex-aversion, or disinterest in sex alone, and using a definition that doesn’t involve those things is exclusionary. I strongly disagree and decided to respond with my two cents in my own post. this will also serve as my contribution to the larger discussion surrounding asexuality and sexuality in general.
I know this goes without saying, but please do not seek out the original poster and harass them. I’m making this post in an attempt to make the discussion around asexuality easier to navigate, not to belittle anybody or invalidate their experiences. any efforts made to help educate others should always be done respectfully and in good faith. now let’s get down to business:
following are the widely accepted definitions of terms relevant to the conversation surrounding sexuality. while related, they are separate and completely independent. people often conflate sexual orientation with other aspects of sexuality, when in reality they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. it is crucial to differentiate between these things in order to establish clear communication.
- sexuality is a broad term that encompasses many different things related to sexual identity, including (but not limited to) sexual orientation, libido, sex favorability, sexual activity, and sexual values.
- sexual orientation is the aspect of a person’s sexual identity determined by the gender(s) that they experience sexual attraction towards. heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and asexual are all examples of sexual orientations.
- sexual attraction is the experience of being sexually aroused by another person, or finding them appealing in a sexual way. this means having an urge to be sexually intimate with that person, even if there is no intent or desire to act upon that urge.
- libido or sex drive is a person’s overall desire for sexual activity, or the frequency at which they experience sexual arousal. libido can range from extremely frequent arousal (hypersexuality) to extremely rare arousal (hyposexuality).
- sex favorability is a term used to describe the degree to which an individual favors sexual intimacy. everyone has their own level of sex favorability, which can range from sex-averse, to sex-favorable, to sex-indifferent, to anywhere in-between.
- sexual activity is the participation in sexual acts, whether individually or with another person or people. someone who engages sexually with others is sexually active; someone who refrains from sexual engagement with others is sexually abstinent.
- sexual values are the principles people have surrounding sexuality, and can be held at both personal and societal levels. widely accepted sexual values include consent, safety, honesty, and mutual pleasure.
as stated above, sexual orientation is only determined by the gender(s) towards which someone experiences sexual attraction, and nothing else. though a minority, there exists a sexual orientation in which a person experiences little or no sexual attraction, towards any gender. the term prescribed to this sexual orientation is asexuality. a person who has this sexual orientation is asexual. in contrast, the majority of people have one of several sexual orientations in which they experience usual amounts of sexual
cw : (non-graphic) frequent use of terms and discussion of things pertaining to sexuality
hey everyone! I just recently discovered that I’m asexual several months ago, and while I haven’t participated a ton in this sub, it’s played a major role in helping me understand and accept myself :) so thank you to all you lovely peeps, you’re fantastic and I appreciate you!
I’ve included a tldr at the bottom and bolded the main points throughout, this is a long post. I’m interested in hearing others’ perspectives on this issue.
someone recently made a post in this sub in which they argued that the asexual label can be claimed based off of low libido, sex-aversion, or disinterest in sex alone, and using a definition that doesn’t involve those things is exclusionary. I strongly disagree and decided to respond with my two cents in my own post. this will also serve as my contribution to the larger discussion surrounding asexuality and sexuality in general.
I know this goes without saying, but please do not seek out the original poster and harass them. I’m making this post in an attempt to make the discussion around asexuality easier to navigate, not to belittle anybody or invalidate their experiences. any efforts made to help educate others should always be done respectfully and in good faith. now let’s get down to business:
following are the widely accepted definitions of terms relevant to the conversation surrounding sexuality. while related, they are separate and completely independent. people often conflate sexual orientation with other aspects of sexuality, when in reality they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. it is crucial to differentiate between these things in order to establish clear communication.
- sexuality is a broad term that encompasses many different things related to sexual identity, including (but not limited to) sexual orientation, libido, sex favorability, sexual activity, and sexual values.
- sexual orientation is the aspect of a person’s sexual identity determined by the gender(s) that they experience sexual attraction towards. heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and asexual are all examples of sexual orientations.
- sexual attraction is the experience of being sexually aroused by another person, or finding them appealing in a sexual way. this means having an urge to be sexually intimate with that person, even if there is no intent or desire to act upon that urge.
- libido or sex drive is a person’s overall desire for sexual activity, or the frequency at which they experience sexual arousal. libido can range from extremely frequent arousal (hypersexuality) to extremely rare arousal (hyposexuality).
- sex favorability is a term used to describe the degree to which an individual favors sexual intimacy. everyone has their own level of sex favorability, which can range from sex-averse, to sex-favorable, to sex-indifferent, to anywhere in-between.
- sexual activity is the participation in sexual acts, whether individually or with another person or people. someone who engages sexually with others is sexually active; someone who refrains from sexual engagement with others is sexually abstinent.
- sexual values are the principles people have surrounding sexuality, and can be held at both personal and societal levels. widely accepted sexual values include consent, safety, honesty, and mutual pleasure.
as stated above, sexual orientation is only determined by the gender(s) towards which someone experiences sexual attraction, and nothing else. though a minority, there exists a sexual orientation in which a person experiences little or no sexual attraction, towards any gender. the term prescribed to this sexual orientation is asexuality. a person who has this sexual orientation is asexual. in contrast, the majority of people have one of several sexual orientations in which they experience usual amounts of sexual
attraction, towards any gender. the term for these sexual orientations collectively is allosexuality. a person who has any of these sexual orientations is allosexual.
the only distinguishing factor between asexual individuals and allosexual individuals is the amount of sexual attraction that they experience, regardless of which gender(s) that attraction is experienced towards. asexual individuals who are hypersexual, sex-favorable, and sexually active exist. allosexual individuals who are hyposexual, sex-averse, and sexually abstinent exist.
our goal as a community and as individuals is to be understood and accepted. however, it is counterproductive to misuse and carelessly “slap on” labels to something. all that leads to is chaos and confusion. I’ve seen asexuality—my sexual orientation and a part of my identity—invalidated over and over again by people who are misinformed. I’ve heard people dismiss asexuality as fake/just a phase/not real because, “I used to be asexual, but sex is fulfilling and enjoyable now that I’m in a long-term relationship with my partner,” or, “my friend thought he was asexual, but he got medicine that increased his libido and now he’s better.” when asexuality is equated to something that it’s not, it’s so easy to be dismissed.
knowing how to distinguish the different aspects of sexuality from each other is really important, and can prove to be a useful tool in effective communication. I believe that if we all take the time to truly understand and accurately identify our own experiences, we will be better able to validate and support each other in our journeys of self discovery. because when we understand and appreciate ourselves, our minds and hearts open to understand and appreciate others.
now, you may learn that you’re part of a minority outside of the cis/het/allonormative mold, but have been inaccurately applying the asexual label to describe your situation and are wondering where you fit in. are your experiences real and valid? absolutely. are you welcome in the LGBTQIA+/GSRM community? with open arms. at the end of the day, it is not my place to tell you which labels you may or may not identify yourself with. I just ask that you be mindful of the implications that come with using those labels, especially when you use them to represent something that doesn’t align with the general consensus.
we live in a big world, and there is room for everybody to explore themselves, find a label that suits them, or have no label at all and just vibe. diversity is beautiful, welcome, and appreciated. everybody is unique with their own experiences and identity. the one thing that we all share is being a part of humanity, and I’m glad to be sharing it with you. thank you for reading :)
••••••
tldr: it is not exclusionary to create a label for a specific experience that only a minority of people share. and it is not gatekeeping to ask people to not misrepresent or disrespect the implications of that label. we can validate and support each other better when we understand and accurately use labels.
https://redd.it/oun9we
@asexualityonreddit
the only distinguishing factor between asexual individuals and allosexual individuals is the amount of sexual attraction that they experience, regardless of which gender(s) that attraction is experienced towards. asexual individuals who are hypersexual, sex-favorable, and sexually active exist. allosexual individuals who are hyposexual, sex-averse, and sexually abstinent exist.
our goal as a community and as individuals is to be understood and accepted. however, it is counterproductive to misuse and carelessly “slap on” labels to something. all that leads to is chaos and confusion. I’ve seen asexuality—my sexual orientation and a part of my identity—invalidated over and over again by people who are misinformed. I’ve heard people dismiss asexuality as fake/just a phase/not real because, “I used to be asexual, but sex is fulfilling and enjoyable now that I’m in a long-term relationship with my partner,” or, “my friend thought he was asexual, but he got medicine that increased his libido and now he’s better.” when asexuality is equated to something that it’s not, it’s so easy to be dismissed.
knowing how to distinguish the different aspects of sexuality from each other is really important, and can prove to be a useful tool in effective communication. I believe that if we all take the time to truly understand and accurately identify our own experiences, we will be better able to validate and support each other in our journeys of self discovery. because when we understand and appreciate ourselves, our minds and hearts open to understand and appreciate others.
now, you may learn that you’re part of a minority outside of the cis/het/allonormative mold, but have been inaccurately applying the asexual label to describe your situation and are wondering where you fit in. are your experiences real and valid? absolutely. are you welcome in the LGBTQIA+/GSRM community? with open arms. at the end of the day, it is not my place to tell you which labels you may or may not identify yourself with. I just ask that you be mindful of the implications that come with using those labels, especially when you use them to represent something that doesn’t align with the general consensus.
we live in a big world, and there is room for everybody to explore themselves, find a label that suits them, or have no label at all and just vibe. diversity is beautiful, welcome, and appreciated. everybody is unique with their own experiences and identity. the one thing that we all share is being a part of humanity, and I’m glad to be sharing it with you. thank you for reading :)
••••••
tldr: it is not exclusionary to create a label for a specific experience that only a minority of people share. and it is not gatekeeping to ask people to not misrepresent or disrespect the implications of that label. we can validate and support each other better when we understand and accurately use labels.
https://redd.it/oun9we
@asexualityonreddit
reddit
defining asexuality and label usage: in response to a recent claim...
**cw : (non-graphic) frequent use of terms and discussion of things pertaining to sexuality** hey everyone! I just recently discovered that I’m...
this doesn’t just go for aces but for any person your in a relationship with!
https://redd.it/ouna0z
@asexualityonreddit
https://redd.it/ouna0z
@asexualityonreddit
I came out to my mother and went as I expected.
I (f19) came out to my mom today and I really hoped that it would go well. My parents sometimes make inappropriate comments about the LGBTQ community and specifically bi people, which really sucks because I'm suspecting I might be bi, and whenever I tell them that those things are hurtful and not appropriate they just brush it off.
So I just sat down and told my mom 'I'm asexual'. She didn't know what that meant so I explained and it seemed to go really well until she said 'maybe you just haven't found the right person yet.'
I felt like crying. I had just explained to her what asexuality meant and showed her some websites with information and she still said that to me.
I said 'it doesn't matter who I meet, I'm still gonna be asexual.' and she said that I'm too young to know that and that I will find someone who will make me forget all about this 'phase'.
So now I'm in bed crying but hoping my mom will learn more about me and asexuality.
Sorry if this wasn't interesting or relevant, but I don't have any friends who know I'm asexual so I can't really talk to anyone about this.
https://redd.it/ous4d2
@asexualityonreddit
I (f19) came out to my mom today and I really hoped that it would go well. My parents sometimes make inappropriate comments about the LGBTQ community and specifically bi people, which really sucks because I'm suspecting I might be bi, and whenever I tell them that those things are hurtful and not appropriate they just brush it off.
So I just sat down and told my mom 'I'm asexual'. She didn't know what that meant so I explained and it seemed to go really well until she said 'maybe you just haven't found the right person yet.'
I felt like crying. I had just explained to her what asexuality meant and showed her some websites with information and she still said that to me.
I said 'it doesn't matter who I meet, I'm still gonna be asexual.' and she said that I'm too young to know that and that I will find someone who will make me forget all about this 'phase'.
So now I'm in bed crying but hoping my mom will learn more about me and asexuality.
Sorry if this wasn't interesting or relevant, but I don't have any friends who know I'm asexual so I can't really talk to anyone about this.
https://redd.it/ous4d2
@asexualityonreddit
reddit
I came out to my mother and went as I expected.
I (f19) came out to my mom today and I really hoped that it would go well. My parents sometimes make inappropriate comments about the LGBTQ...
Anyone else doesn't like being perceived as sexy?
Recently I was talking to a lesbian friend of mine and she mentioned she likes dressing butch to repulse men and attract sapphic ppl. And I realized that as an asexual, I kinda do the same thing.
But in my case, I don't wanna attract anyone, men or women or in-between, because being an seen as an 'object of desire' deeply bothers/upsets me. I like when people compliment my outfit, or tell me I'm pretty, but the moment the 'pretty' turns into 'sexy' or 'hot', the moment people look at me in a sexual way I hate it, I feel so bad. It crawls in my skin.
And I realized also that I found my style in history bounding and it super has to do with this. No one will find me sexy in a huge petticoat and boots and high-buttoned shirts. And I love it! It makes me feel good about myself and I don't get that kind of attention.
I guess what took me so long to realize all of this was because I do like feeling sexy, for myself and myself only, but the moment there's someone looking at me that way I feel terrible. And it's not a self esteem issue as well, I just don't like being seen as a sexual being.
I was wondering if anyone felt like this as well?
https://redd.it/ouwhoa
@asexualityonreddit
Recently I was talking to a lesbian friend of mine and she mentioned she likes dressing butch to repulse men and attract sapphic ppl. And I realized that as an asexual, I kinda do the same thing.
But in my case, I don't wanna attract anyone, men or women or in-between, because being an seen as an 'object of desire' deeply bothers/upsets me. I like when people compliment my outfit, or tell me I'm pretty, but the moment the 'pretty' turns into 'sexy' or 'hot', the moment people look at me in a sexual way I hate it, I feel so bad. It crawls in my skin.
And I realized also that I found my style in history bounding and it super has to do with this. No one will find me sexy in a huge petticoat and boots and high-buttoned shirts. And I love it! It makes me feel good about myself and I don't get that kind of attention.
I guess what took me so long to realize all of this was because I do like feeling sexy, for myself and myself only, but the moment there's someone looking at me that way I feel terrible. And it's not a self esteem issue as well, I just don't like being seen as a sexual being.
I was wondering if anyone felt like this as well?
https://redd.it/ouwhoa
@asexualityonreddit
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I’ve never seen something so accurate. I didn’t know I wasn’t alone 😅
https://redd.it/ouy04r
@asexualityonreddit
https://redd.it/ouy04r
@asexualityonreddit
Someone posted the thing about Splatoon 2, and I immediately thought of this and made it + added "Some people have a partner" (Link to the original in the comments!)
https://redd.it/ouxtqe
@asexualityonreddit
https://redd.it/ouxtqe
@asexualityonreddit