Abu Khadeejah Abdul-Wāhid

☝🏽 ”Depression and its Cure”

By Abu Khadeejah. (September 2022, Islamabad, Pakistan)

5.0K viewsAbu Khadeejah Abdul-Wāhid Alam, 08:21

Question and answer on references for marriage and background checks.

Question:

As Salamu ‘alykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, Sheikh Abu Khadeejah.

I have a question concerning marriage and STDs. And I would like for you to advise us and give us the best opinion. May Allah bless you.

There is a young woman who has been born and raised as a chaste Muslim. Her father being her wali, found a suitable man for her to marry who had not been raised Muslim rather he converted two years ago and he is quite older...

The father requested for the brother to check for any STDs for safety and health reasons for his daughter…

Ustaadh Abu Khadeejah:
Wa-alaikumus-salām-wa-rahmatullāhi-wa-barakātuhu

In these kinds of situation, it is very important for the guardian to carry out reference and background checks into the man proposing. I always advise that references are only taking from trustworthy, God-fearing and known Muslims who are well-acquainted with the person in question. Ideally, positive references should be written and supported by examples that are indicative of praise.

As for background checks such as criminal record checks, medical history, financial suitability and so on, then that is dependent on the multiple societal and local factors. In many communities and families, these things are not required because people are generally trustworthy and honest, and everyone knows everyone else and the references are very trustworthy.

Unfortunately, in some communities, trustworthiness, truthfulness and piety are not so common or hardly present, people are known to lie and show hypocrisy — and this is not apparent from a person in the initial stages. So parents need to be very vigilant over their daughters (and sons) in order to safeguard them from exploitation. So in these situations, some simple background checks are needed, and people should not feel offended. And if a person is not prepared to offer such information, then there is no compulsion, and both parties can walk away without hard feelings.

In general, marry your daughters (and sons) to known Salafis who attend classes/conferences at the Salafi Mosques, who can provide both character and Religious references from well-known and upright elders in the community.

As a rule, do not marry your daughters to men who have courted them on social media (WhatsApp, etc.) and they have been “socialising” with each other for months and have decided they “love each other” without the knowledge of their families, and in some cases, they live thousands of miles from each other, have been exchanging photos of one another, talking in impermissible ways and made marriage plans such as where they will live and work! These relationships are not built upon honesty, family involvement, good manners, good character, following the Sunnah, respect or piety — so beware.

Abu Khadeejah

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