SPARTANBURG, SC — After months of anticipation, the Johnson family finally left for vacation this morning, eager to see what urgent cares look like across the country.

EARTH — After examining records from every abortion carried out since the dawn of humanity, scientists have confirmed that the number of safe abortions performed still inexplicably remains at zero.

AUSTIN, TX — The tech world is reeling from the news that Elon has officially withdrawn his offer to buy Twitter after he realized he can still read the Babylon Bee by going directly to their website.

NEW ASGARD — Thor god of thunder has once again returned to Earth to visit his love interest, Jane Foster. After realizing that Jane was able to wield all the powers of the mighty Thor Odinson by simply picking up his old hammer, Thor has decided to pick…

You can tell a lot about a person by which character they use in Super Smash Bros.

LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local woman Carissa Stewart passed away suddenly today, tragically crushed when she upset the delicately constructed tower of Starbucks cups in her car.

CRYSTAL LAKE, MI — After years of relaxing travel, the McWilliams family took the leap and purchased a lake cabin so they can finally spend their entire vacation fixing things.

JERUSALEM — Jesus of Nazareth has come under fire once again, sparking accusations of ableism after miraculously helping a paralyzed man walk.

LANSING, MI — Local couple Noah and Ashley Mullins finished a simple, one-hour home improvement project today, a mere four years after they started.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Elizabeth Warren has decided to take matters into her own hands in the war against crisis pregnancy centers, personally smacking free resources away from pregnant women when they leave.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom's political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California. While Newsom's ads were urging libs to move to California, Desantis is begging the libs in California…

WASHINGTON — The January 6th hearings ended early last week when a custodian knocked on the door before poking his head in to request that the January 6th Committee clear out for the next group on the schedule.

Our Keurig imitation coffee machine was in shambles this morning. Someone didn't refill the water and they left an old discarded k-cup inside. Gross!

The entire contents of Hunter Biden's laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was saved in the face of overwhelming odds when former President Trump returned as Trump the White at first light Monday to drain the swamp, finally making good on a campaign promise from days of old. He was joined by Dutch farmers…

Summers can be a great time for fathers to spend more time with their children. But what are you going to do with them? If you're not coming up with constant activities you'll be overwhelmed with complaints of boredom. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!

AUSTIN, TX — Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk's children inside without sacrificing…

PROVIDENCE, RI — According to the results of a new study conducted by Brown University, exactly 100% of work meetings ever held in all of human history, across all industries and sectors, have been entirely unnecessary.

U.S. — According to recent polling data, the Americans described by Jill Biden as "breakfast tacos" are inexplicably switching to the Republican Party in record numbers.

Jill Biden recently referred to Latino people as "Breakfast Tacos," eschewing the more politically correct term, "Brxxkfst Txcxs." Despite her faux pas, this isn't the first time she's used colorful language to describe some ethnicities. Here are most of…

U.S. — A recent study published by the American Federation of Teachers has revealed remarkable progress in educating America's youth. Notably, the study reports the nation's fourth-graders are now gay at a 12th-grade level.