All the fraternities in my college rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick to get in.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Honestly, I don’t get why a circle is a shape
It’s not like a triangle or a square, it’s completely pointless

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My girlfriend just told me she’s had a Brazilian
I’m not good with numbers but that sounds like a fucking lot to me

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What's a 10 letter word that starts with g-a-s
Automobile

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Why do programmers prefer dark-mode?
Because light attracts bugs.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Politics are like sex
If the only thing you know about it comes from your family, you're doing it wrong.

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

My girlfriend always said that the male genitalia is not attractive, so I decided to cover my balls in mascara, eyeshadow and glitter. I'm pretty sure she liked it.
As soon as she saw them she said "Wow, that's pretty nuts."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A blonde boards the plane, and proceeds to take a window seat…

A guy walks in right behind her, and says: “I’m sorry but you’re in my seat”, to which the blonde responds: “Get lost.”

The guy: “Oh yeah?! Then I hope you know how to fly the plane.”

#other
@Sickipedia

I once lived just a stone's throw away from a family
who all died of mysterious head injuries

#other
@Sickipedia

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in to a clinic to donate blood.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type-o."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What do you call a Jewish muscle t-shirt?
Muscle Top!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Stop looking for the perfect match

use a lighter!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My wife complain that I only last for like two minutes in bed..
But it was in doggystyle, so that's like 14 minutes in dog minutes?!

#other
@Sickipedia

A man walked into a Men's Warehouse and an employee asked if he needed any help trying on suits. He said "No thanks."
The employee said "suit yourself."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Me and my friends started a band it’s called 999 megabytes
We still don’t have a gig

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I just asked my 9 year old son what he learned in school today
He said “apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow”.

#other
@Sickipedia

If we remove all of the margarine on Earth …
The world will be a butter place.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Cop pulls over a man and says
“You were driving on the wrong side of the road.”

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.

Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit??

#other
@Sickipedia

I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chap stick.
She still isn’t speaking with me

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia