What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

#sexandshit
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I am a man of my word.
That word is “unreliable.”

#wordplay
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October is Dwarfism awareness month.

This surprised me, because I'd have thought it would have been February...

#other
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

#other
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The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

#other
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An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?
The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

#roast
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Why did the kid cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seat belt.

#other
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So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don't you worry none," says the lawyer. "The key to any trial is the jury, and believe me, I know how to pick a jury." So Jed reluctantly agrees.

The day of the trial, the neighbor gets up on the witness stand. The prosecutor says, "Tell the jury what you saw." So the neighbor says, "I was walkin' along my property when I seen old Jed over there approach one of his goats, drop his drawers, and mount that poor animal from behind. After about two minutes old Jed appeared to be finished."

"What happened then?" asks the prosecutor.

"Well," says the neighbor, "Then that goat turned around and licked Jed's pecker."

A gasp went up in the courtroom, and old Jed had all but given up hope when a juror in overalls leans over toward the fellow next to him and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that."

#sexandshit
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A new teacher is assigned to teach geography class in school.

When she enters the classroom, she's horrified by what she sees. The kids are fighting, cursing, throwing chairs, drinking, and smoking.

"Hello class" she says.

"Fuck off, bitch!" the kids shout back.

Crying, the new teacher runs to the principal's office.

The principal says, "Yes, these kids are from the rough part of town, but you have to pique their interest. Come, I'll show you."

So both the new teacher and the principal go to the classroom. The principal kicks open the door, bangs his fist on the blackboard and roars:

"YO MOTHAFUCKAS"

"Sup, boss" the kids yell back

"Which one of you sonsofbitches knows how to put a condom on a globe?"

One of the kids, Little Johnny, says,

"The fuck is a globe?"

"And that, Johnny-boy is what your new teacher is going to talk to you about today"

#oldbutgold
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This morning, my wife successfully finished a 40-week bodybuilding program...
The result:

It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 14 oz.

I am a Dad!

#wordplay
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My sex life is so bad.
My hand says it has a headache.

#sexandshit
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A baby camel asks his father, “Dad, why do we have a hump on our back?”
The dad replies, "So that we can store water in those."

He then asks, "Why do we have hooves then?"

The dad replies, "To prevent our feet from sinking in the sand."

After thinking this over, he then asks, "Then why do we have big eyelids?”

The dad replies, "To prevent the sand from entering our eyes."

The baby camel finally asks, "Dad, what the hell are we doing in a zoo?"

#other
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An expecting couple went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done

The doctor told them that their child looked good, but that there was some anomaly or complication, so he asked them to come back next week.

The next week, the doctor did another ultrasound, and informed the couple that they were actually going to have twins. He also noted there was again some anomaly or complication, and asked them to come back the next week.

Another week later, the couple comes in for a third time, and the doctor performs another ultrasound. This time the doctor informs them that they're not having twins, but triplets.

At this point the husband tells the doctor, "We're not coming in next week."

#other
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A man walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy in the bar says "hey watch what you say". First guy says "why are you a lawyer". Guy says "no I'm an asshole"

#oldbutgold
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Why was the keyboard exhausted after work?
Because it had two shifts.

#wordplay
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What do you call intense French sex?

Balzac in Debussy

#wordplay
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I told my girlfriend that I had a crush on Beyonce!
“Whatever floats your boat”
I replied “No that’s Buoyancy”

#wordplay
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I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience?
Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

#other
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My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.
I think..he made it up.

#wordplay
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I received a warning at work for poor performance.
We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack [the boss's son] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"

#wordplay
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A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock. “I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly. “With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!” “Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.” “Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!” “The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!” “Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

#oldbutgold
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