A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...
The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.
The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"
The lawyer smirks and says, "two hours? For $800? Thats $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer and my hourly rate is $350 / hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?"
#other
@Sickipedia
The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.
The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"
The lawyer smirks and says, "two hours? For $800? Thats $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer and my hourly rate is $350 / hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?"
#other
@Sickipedia
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A priest and a businessman were playing golf.
The businessman tried to putt the ball, but the ball rolled past the hole.
"Fucking hell, God!" swore the businessman. "Do not take the name of the Lord in anger, my son," the priest cautioned. At the same time, clouds started to form in the sky, which they didn't notice.
Three times again the businessman tried to sink the shot, but missed each time, and swore each time with the priest advising him not to swear. Unbeknownst to them, the skies turned from grey to black with tiny droplets of rain, and finally lightning and low rumbles of thunder.
As the businessman attempted a fourth time and missed, he swore again with two middle fingers, and before the priest could complete his usual sentence, a bolt of lightning came down and struck the priest, frying him.
As the businessman stared in shock at the smoldering heap that was moments ago the priest, he heard an angry swear coming from the clouds: "FUCK ME! I MISSED!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The businessman tried to putt the ball, but the ball rolled past the hole.
"Fucking hell, God!" swore the businessman. "Do not take the name of the Lord in anger, my son," the priest cautioned. At the same time, clouds started to form in the sky, which they didn't notice.
Three times again the businessman tried to sink the shot, but missed each time, and swore each time with the priest advising him not to swear. Unbeknownst to them, the skies turned from grey to black with tiny droplets of rain, and finally lightning and low rumbles of thunder.
As the businessman attempted a fourth time and missed, he swore again with two middle fingers, and before the priest could complete his usual sentence, a bolt of lightning came down and struck the priest, frying him.
As the businessman stared in shock at the smoldering heap that was moments ago the priest, he heard an angry swear coming from the clouds: "FUCK ME! I MISSED!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
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Many years ago, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens while the other band was touring.
This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
#other
@Sickipedia
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
#other
@Sickipedia
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A man's wife dies young.
The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!
40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbreaking, again. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the same funeral home when they get up to the same corner. The husband yells out "watch out for that corner"
#other
@Sickipedia
The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!
40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbreaking, again. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the same funeral home when they get up to the same corner. The husband yells out "watch out for that corner"
#other
@Sickipedia
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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?
Or is my wife overreacting?
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Or is my wife overreacting?
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.
700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
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Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."
"I want a second opinion." "You're also ugly."
#other
@Sickipedia
"I want a second opinion." "You're also ugly."
#other
@Sickipedia
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My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes
I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
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A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.
A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.
The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.
The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"
The little one: "Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, and the house was empty! After that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on the railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... Revolver jams! And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.
The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.
The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"
The little one: "Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, and the house was empty! After that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on the railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... Revolver jams! And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
😁59😐8👍3👎2🥰2❤1👏1🤯1🌭1🤣1
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
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A Pakistani politician is visiting Spain, where he meets an old friend who's a minister in Spain.
Visiting the minister's house, the Pakistani sees that his friend lives in luxury and asks him the secret.
The Minister takes him to the window and shows him a bridge. "You see that bridge over there? It cost 20 million, but I fudged the bills to 30 million."
Impressed, the Pakistani leaves. Years later, the minister visits Pakistan with a delegation and decides to visit his friend.
The Spaniard is surprised at the opulent lifestyle of his Pakistani friend and asks him his secret.
"Well, I got the idea from you," the Pakistani says, "See that bridge over there?"
"There is no bridge!"
"Exactly"
#politics
@Sickipedia
Visiting the minister's house, the Pakistani sees that his friend lives in luxury and asks him the secret.
The Minister takes him to the window and shows him a bridge. "You see that bridge over there? It cost 20 million, but I fudged the bills to 30 million."
Impressed, the Pakistani leaves. Years later, the minister visits Pakistan with a delegation and decides to visit his friend.
The Spaniard is surprised at the opulent lifestyle of his Pakistani friend and asks him his secret.
"Well, I got the idea from you," the Pakistani says, "See that bridge over there?"
"There is no bridge!"
"Exactly"
#politics
@Sickipedia
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Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls that would roost on her roof and leave their smelly droppings on her rose bushes.
One day, seeing a flock of them through her front window, she charged out of her front door waving her broom wildly and yelling, "FUCK OFF, YA BASTARDS!" Unfortunately, Father Flanagan happened to be walking past at the time.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Father," she said. "I didn't see you there."
"Ah, Mrs O'Malley," said the priest, "you needn't be so cross with God's poor creatures. They are only doing what comes naturally to them. Just speak to them gently, like this: 'Shoo! Shoo!' and the bastards will fuck off just the same."
#other
@Sickipedia
One day, seeing a flock of them through her front window, she charged out of her front door waving her broom wildly and yelling, "FUCK OFF, YA BASTARDS!" Unfortunately, Father Flanagan happened to be walking past at the time.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Father," she said. "I didn't see you there."
"Ah, Mrs O'Malley," said the priest, "you needn't be so cross with God's poor creatures. They are only doing what comes naturally to them. Just speak to them gently, like this: 'Shoo! Shoo!' and the bastards will fuck off just the same."
#other
@Sickipedia
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What the hot bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married?
Past performance is not indicative of future returns
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Past performance is not indicative of future returns
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
😁27☃9👎2🤔2🤬2👍1
My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot...
but honestly... I'm not a fan.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
but honestly... I'm not a fan.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
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