I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said: "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard.
#sexandshit
Gary, you filthy bastard.
#sexandshit
My 4yr old son was struggling to open his yoghurt, When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!".
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?".
I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."
#sexandshit
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?".
I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."
#sexandshit
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.
My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
#sexandshit
My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
#sexandshit
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A kid went to his father and asked,
"Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"
#sexandshit
"Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"
#sexandshit
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My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...
Guess, I won't be needing those anymore.
#illness
Guess, I won't be needing those anymore.
#illness
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I have discovered a cure for premature ejaculation. It's a long winded process but it does work.
Twenty years of marriage.
#sexandshit
Twenty years of marriage.
#sexandshit
I have been experimenting with homosexuality. And just like small furry animals, homosexuals don't like being electrocuted either.
#sexandshit
#sexandshit
Sending dick pics is for amateurs...
Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life.
#sexandshit
Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life.
#sexandshit
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.
#sexandshit
Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.
#sexandshit
If a woman wants to be adored for her beautiful smile or bright eyes then she would do well to keep her shirt buttoned ALL the way up.
#sexandshit
#sexandshit
A black kid and his father are on an airplane.
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced we were forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"
#racism
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced we were forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"
#racism
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question??
#illness
Is that a trick question??
#illness
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Nothing beats waking up to a blow job.
Unless you've been in a coma, and your nurse's name is Steve.
#sexandshit
Unless you've been in a coma, and your nurse's name is Steve.
#sexandshit
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.
#sexandshit
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.
#sexandshit
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