The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events.

#events

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

#crime

I've nicknamed my cock Nicolas Cage.

It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time.

#celebrities

I've just been sacked from my job on hospital radio.

Apparently, playing "Do They Know it's Christmas" on repeat, is not appropriate behaviour for the Alzheimer's ward.

#illness

When you can see a rash around your wife's vagina, one thing is clear.

She's dressed inappropriately for parents evening.

#sexandshit

Asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, Sex Sex Sex, Free Sex tonight.

I said, Wow!

Then her friend said, She means 6663629.

#racism

When Oprah Winfrey picked up a dress in my shop, I said, "You don't want that one."
Immediately she screamed, "RACIST!" at top of her voice for everyone to hear. "It's because I'm black, isn't it? You think I can't afford it?"
"No," I sighed. "It's because it's nowhere near your size, you fat cunt."

#celebrities

Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen uses?

Enough to kill two and a half man.

#tv

I was offered Sex Today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

#sexandshit

Pornhub have gone all festive by adding snow to their homepage.

Well I'm assuming it's snow.

#sexandshit

Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as the box that it came out of.

Which is weird because that's how most blokes feel about kids.

#sexandshit

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

#crime

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

#other

Why don't black people dream?

The last one who had a dream got shot.

#racism

I tried a vegan recipe book last night.

It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

#other

It must be difficult for Muslims in Britain, battling religious intolerance every day.

So that they can freely practice their intolerance based religion.

#religion

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

#sexandshit

So I come home early one day and the wife is sitting cross-legged on the bed, completely naked.

"What's going on? Why are you naked?" I ask.

"Oh, it's just that I haven't got any clothes to wear," she replies.

"Bollocks," I say, throwing open the closet door. "Look, you've got tons of clothes. Here's a red dress, here's a blue dress, here's Fred, here's a flowered dress..."

#sexandshit

The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket...

Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket.

#other

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said: "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

#sexandshit

My 4yr old son was struggling to open his yoghurt, When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!".
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?".
I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

#sexandshit