Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.
#other
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.
#other
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What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
#other
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
#other
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2 men are robbing an apartment when they hear sirens outside the building.
"We need to jump!" says the first man. The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.
#other
"We need to jump!" says the first man. The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.
#other
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👍1
A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy.
"ephedrine?"
"I can't serve you that"
"sudoephedrine"
"There you go".
#other
"ephedrine?"
"I can't serve you that"
"sudoephedrine"
"There you go".
#other
I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks.
That's how much I hate the fucking French.
#racism
That's how much I hate the fucking French.
#racism
Dating is a lot like fishing.
Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
#sexandshit
Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
#sexandshit
👍2
I was arguing with some bloke in the pub and he squared up to me. I said, "You better watch yourself pal, when I was in the Army I killed men."
My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."
I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."
#mortality
My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."
I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."
#mortality
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.
"What can I do for you?" He asked.
"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.
"We haven't got a son." I replied.
#illness
"What can I do for you?" He asked.
"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.
"We haven't got a son." I replied.
#illness
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In a press conference Police have announced they have found a body in a graveyard - They have also announced they found a car in a car park too.
#crime
#crime
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me.
#other
She's still not talking to me.
#other
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The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events.
#events
#events
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I've nicknamed my cock Nicolas Cage.
It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time.
#celebrities
It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time.
#celebrities
I've just been sacked from my job on hospital radio.
Apparently, playing "Do They Know it's Christmas" on repeat, is not appropriate behaviour for the Alzheimer's ward.
#illness
Apparently, playing "Do They Know it's Christmas" on repeat, is not appropriate behaviour for the Alzheimer's ward.
#illness
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When you can see a rash around your wife's vagina, one thing is clear.
She's dressed inappropriately for parents evening.
#sexandshit
She's dressed inappropriately for parents evening.
#sexandshit