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Maybe This Is What I Want But I Cannot Have

Deep down we just want to give someone the love we have inside ourselves and hope that they will do the same, but sometimes we’re disappointed with the love they give us in return.

Maybe it’s because we expect too much and give too little. Or maybe we don’t expect anything at all and give every bit of love we have. We give away all of our love to a person who doesn’t appreciate it, who takes it for granted and metaphorically walks all over it, and then we save no love for ourselves. We have none leftover for us because we squandered it all on them, on a person who we think we want, maybe even need, but they are neither of these things.

We don’t want someone who mistreats us; we don’t want someone who takes our love for granted, and yet we consistently try to make it work with those who do just that. We convince ourselves we want this person simply because we want to feel connected to something deeper than ourselves.

But that is one of the most important connections we can make. And maybe this is why we love the chase. Maybe this is why we try to make it work with those who play hard to get, with those who are unattainable, because we don’t fully comprehend the love that we deserve. Or maybe we’re able to comprehend it, but we don’t want to believe it. We don’t want to believe that we deserve a love that’s real, a love that knows no games, a love that doesn’t play pretend, but just is.

Because we’re afraid that if we finally find someone who treats us right, who doesn’t give games the time of day, who leads with sincerity rather than insecurity, someone who finally shows us what real love feels like, we’re afraid they’ll leave, or worse, we’re afraid we’ll make them.

We’re afraid that we won’t be able to accept their love, and instead we’ll make a mess of it. And then we’ll have experienced what real love feels like, and everything else in comparison will feel like less. We think that nothing will feel as good as the love this person showed us because we think we’ll only ever find one love that’s real. But every love we experience feels real when it’s happening, and we don’t realize otherwise until someone gets hurt.

We need to understand that we do deserve love, the real kind, the kind that wraps its arms around you and won’t let you go, the kind that is playful with your spirit and not your emotions, the kind that feels so good it scares you. And you might be lucky enough to find it once and never have to find it again, but even if you find it and lose it just as quickly, there’s more opportunity for you to experience it once, twice, infinitely more.

Just because you’ve been hurt before doesn’t mean you have to look for love in all the wrong places. Your attempt and desire to love someone who can’t love you in return is simply you wasting the time to find someone who can.

And when you finally find it you need to not be afraid because the love that I’m referring to senses fear, and when it does, it changes. It becomes less like love and more like uncertainty. And you’ll never be fully certain about anything or anyone. There will always be questions, but not knowing the answers gives you something to look forward to. Because even if we knew all of the answers to how our life is going to happen, and who is going to happen in it, we might still wonder what would change if it were to happen differently.

Don’t indulge in the love you know you cannot have, find the love that gives as much to you as you give it in return. Find the person who leaves a bit of love left over for you; find the person who allows you to love yourself as much as you love them.

- by Ajay Vyas

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