Supertramp - The Logical
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5k3JVfxluFU
When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching me

But then they send me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, responsible, practical
And then they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Clinical, intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep for such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned?
I know it sounds absurd but please tell me who I am
I say, "Now what would you say for they calling you a radical
Liberal, fanatical, criminal?"
Won't you sign up your name? We'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable
Oh, ch-ch-check it out yeah

At night when all the world's asleep
The questions run so deep for such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned?
I know it sounds absurd but please tell me who I am
Who I am, who I am, who I am

'Coz I'm feeling so illogical
D-d-digital
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Unbelievable
B-b-bloody marvelous

ASAP As soon as possible
A/S/L Age/sex/location
B4 Before
BRB Be right back
BTW By the way
CU See you
CYL See you later
EOD End of discussion
FAQ Frequently asked questions
F2F Face to face (meeting in person)
FYI For your information
IAC In any case
IC I see
LOL Laughing out loud
OIC Oh, I see
PLS Please
PPL People
ROTFL Rolling on the floor laughing
SOME1 Someone
TGIF Thank God it’s Friday
TNX Thanks
U You
UC? Do you see/understand?
UR You are
W8 Wait
WB Welcome back

Live Long Enough to Find the Right One.
Protect Yourself from Aids

O N L Y
1. ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did.)
2. I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.)
3. I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.)
4. I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye.)
5. I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs.)
6. I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye.)
7. I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today.)
8. I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY. (Did not wait for today.)

https://t.me/MkNotes/80

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.

*CONCLUSION : Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

It's another old one but why not:
The Amazing Human Mind
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aodccrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dnsoe't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the hmuan mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azmanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuoht slpeling was ipmorantt

چناچنه به طور رومزره به زبان فارسی صبحت می کیند، با کمی تلاش خاوهید تواسنت این نوتشه را بخاونید. در داشنگاه کبمریج انگلتسان تقحیقی روی روش خوادنه شدن کملات در مغز اجنام شده است که مخشص می کند که مغز انسان تهنا حروف اتبدا و اتنها ی کلمات را پدرازش کرده و کمله را می خاوند .به هیمن دلیل است که با وجود به هم ریتخگی این نوتشه شما تواسنتید آن را بخاونید

Gold Winner of the Cannes Lions festival in June 2005.

An explicit attention-grabbing animated video clip from France has won awards and provoked thought about AIDS in the minds of teenagers and young adults. The probably NSFW commercial shows the journey of a young girl as she seeks for true love, accompanied by “Baby Baby” by The Vibrators.
The ad won a Gold Lion at the Cannes Lions festival in June 2005.

Lyrics for Baby Baby
Mmm, you’re so pretty,
Not to talk to you would be a crime.
Aah, let me put my arms around you,
Just wanna use up a little of your time.
(And I go -) Baby baby baby,
Baby baby baby,
Baby baby baby,
Won’t you be my girl.
Aah, your eyes are so pretty,
And the clothes you wear they’re so fine.
Hey won’t you come round to my place
Just wanna use up a little of your time.

http://advertisingforadults.com/2005/10/aides-baby-baby/

Money isn't everything

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.

So you see, money isn't everything... I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

A truer friend than me you will never find...

CASH ONLY, PLEASE!

https://t.me/MkNotes/84

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash

He is now running for some political office in your area ...

https://t.me/MkNotes/86

The Paradoxical Commandments, by Dr. Kent M. Keith, 1968, renewed 2001
www.paradoxicalcommandments.com

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

فرامين متناقض

مردم اغلب غیر منطقی، بي‌انصاف و خودخواه هستند؛
بهر حال به آنها عشق بورز.

اگر كار نيك كني ، مردم تو را متهم به داشتن انگيزه‌هاي پنهان مي‌كنند؛
بهر حال كار نيك كن.

اگر موفق شوی، دوستان دروغین و دشمنان واقعی بدست خواهی آورد؛
بهر حال موفق شو.

کار نيك امروزت، فردا فراموش می شود؛
بهر حال كار نيك كن.

صداقت و صراحت ترا آسيب‌پذير مي‌كند؛
بهر حال صادق و صریح باش.

افراد بزرگ با افكاري بزرگ توسط افرادي كوچك با افكاري كوچك از ميان برداشته مي‌شوند؛
بهرحال بزرگ فكر كن

مردم طرفدار بازنده‌ها و پيرو برنده‌گان بزرگنند؛
بهرحال براي بازنده ها تلاش كن.

چیزی را که برای ساختنش سال ها تلاش کرده ای، ممكن است در یک شب از بين برود؛
بهر حال بساز.

مردم واقعاً به كمك نياز دارند، اما اگر به آنها كمك كني ممكن است به تو حمله مي‌كنند؛
بهرحال به مردم كمك كن.

اگر بهترین هایت را به دنیا بدهي ممكن است سرخورده شوي؛
بهر حال تو بهترین هایت را به دنیا بده.

If I Had My Life to Live Over Again
by Don Herold

Of course, you can't unfry an egg, but there is no law against thinking about it.

If I had my life to live over, I would try to make more mistakes. I would relax. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things that I would take seriously. I would be less hygienic. I would go more places. I WOULD CLIMB MORE MOUNTAINS AND SWIM MORE RIVERS. I would eat more ice cream and less bran.

I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary troubles. You see, I have been one of those fellows who live prudently and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments. But if I had it to do over again, I would have more of them - a lot more. I never go anywhere without a thermometer, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had it to do over, I would travel lighter.

It may be too late to unteach an old dog old tricks, but perhaps a word from the unwise may be of benefit to a coming generation. It may help them to fall into some of the pitfalls I have avoided.

If I had my life to live over, I would pay less attention to people who teach tension. In a world of specialization we naturally have a superabundance of individuals who cry at us to be serious about their individual specialty. They tell us we must learn Latin or History; otherwise we will be disgraced and ruined and flunked and failed. After a dozen or so of these protagonists have worked on a young mind, they are apt to leave it in hard knots for life. I wish they had sold me Latin and History as a lark.

I would seek out more teachers who inspire relaxation and fun. I had a few of them, fortunately, and I figure it was they who kept me from going entirely to the dogs. From them I learned how to gather what few scraggly daisies I have gathered along life's cindery pathway.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted a little earlier in the spring and stay that way a little later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I would shoot more paper wads at my teachers. I would have more dogs. I would keep later hours. I'd have more sweethearts. I would fish more. I would go to more circuses. I would go to more dances. I would ride on more merry-go-rounds. I would be carefree as long as I could, or at least until I got some care- instead of having my cares in advance.

More errors are made solemnly than in fun. The rubs of family life come in moments of intense seriousness rather that in moments of light-heartedness. If nations - to magnify my point - declared international carnivals instead of international war, how much better that would be!

G.K. Chesterton once said, "A characteristic of the great saints is their power of levity. Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly. One 'settles down' into a sort of selfish seriousness; but one has to rise to a gay self-forgetfulness. A man falls into a 'brown study'; he reaches up at a blue sky."

In a world in which practically everybody else seems to be consecrated to the gravity of the situation, I would rise to glorify the levity of the situation. For I agree with Will Durant that "gaiety is wiser than wisdom."

I doubt, however, that I'll do much damage with my creed. The opposition is too strong. There are too many serious people trying to get everybody else to be too darned serious.

اگر عمر دوباره داشتم
دان هرالد (Don Herold) كاريكاتوريست و طنزنويس آمريكايى در سال ١٨٨٩ در اينديانا متولد شد و در سال ١٩٦٦ از جهان رفت. دان هرالد داراى تاليفات زيادى است؛ اما قطعه كوتاهش "اگر عمر دوباره داشتم..." او را در جهان معروف كرد. بخوانيد:
اگر عمر دوباره داشتم، دان هرالد
البته آب ريخته را نتوان به كوزه باز گرداند، اما قانونى هم تدوين نشده كه فكرش را منع كرده باشد.
اگر عمر دوباره داشتم، مى‌كوشيدم اشتباهات بيشترى مرتكب شوم. همه چيز را آسان مى‌گرفتم. از آنچه در عمر اولم بودم ابله‌تر مى‌شدم. فقط شمارى اندك از رويدادهاى جهان را جدى مى‌گرفتم. اهميت كمترى به بهداشت مى‌دادم. به مسافرت بيشتر مى‌رفتم. از كوه‌هاى بيشترى بالا مى‌رفتم و در رودخانه‌هاى بيشترى شنا مى‌كردم. بستنى بيشتر مى‌خوردم و اسفناج كمتر. مشكلات واقعى بيشترى مى‌داشتم و مشكلات واهى كمترى. آخر، ببينيد، من از آن آدم‌هايى بوده‌ام كه بسيار مُحتاطانه و خيلى عاقلانه زندگى كرده‌ام، ساعت به ساعت، روز به روز. اوه، البته من هم لحظاتِ سرخوشى داشته‌ام. اما اگر عمر دوباره داشتم از اين لحظاتِ خوشى بيشتر مى‌داشتم. من هرگز جايى بدون يك دَماسنج، يك شيشه داروى قرقره، يك پالتوى بارانى و يك چتر نجات نمى‌روم. اگر عمر دوباره داشتم، سبك‌تر سفر مى‌كردم.
اگر عمر دوباره داشتم، وقتِ بهار زودتر پا برهنه راه مى‌رفتم و وقتِ خزان ديرتر به اين لذت خاتمه مى‌دادم. از مدرسه بيشتر جيم مى‌شدم. گلوله‌هاى كاغذى بيشترى به معلم‌هايم پرتاب مى‌كردم. سگ‌هاى بيشترى به خانه مى‌آوردم. ديرتر به رختخواب مى‌رفتم و مى‌خوابيدم. بيشتر عاشق مى‌شدم. به ماهيگيرى بيشتر مى‌رفتم. پايكوبى و دست افشانى بيشتر مى‌كردم. سوار چرخ و فلك بيشتر مى‌شدم. به سيرك بيشتر مى‌رفتم.
در روزگارى كه تقريباً همگان وقت و عمرشان را وقفِ بررسى وخامت اوضاع مى‌كنند، من بر پا مى‌شدم و به ستايش سهل و آسان‌تر گرفتن اوضاع مى‌پرداختم. زيرا من با ويل دورانت موافقم كه مى‌گويد: "شادى از خرد عاقل‌تر است."

THE PROBLEM MIGHT BE WITHIN!
The Deaf Wife and The Worried Husband.
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

Finally, he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

THE PROBLEM MIGHT BE WITHIN!

داستاني تكراري كه يادآوري آن خارج از لطف نيست:
مردي متوجه شد که گوش همسرش سنگين شده و شنوايي اش کم شده است. به نظرش رسيد که همسرش بايد سمعک بگذارد ولي نمي دانست اين موضوع را چگونه با او درميان گذارد . به اين خاطر نزد دکتر خانوادگي شان رفت و مشکل را با او درميان گذاشت.

دکتر گفت: براي اينکه بتواني دقيق تر به من بگويي که ميزان ناشنوايي همسرت چقدر است، آزمايش ساده اي وجود دارد. اين کار را انجام بده و جوابش را به من بگو . ابتدا در فاصله 4 متري او بايست و با صداي معمولي، مطلبي را به او بگو. اگر نشنيد، همين کار را در فاصله 3 متري تکرار کن. بعد در 2 متري و به همين ترتيب تا بالاخره جواب بدهد.

آن شب همسر آن مرد در آشپزخانه سرگرم تهيه شام بود و خود او در اتاق پذيرايي نشسته بود. مرد به خودش گفت: الان فاصله ما حدود 4 متر است. بگذار امتحان کنم. سپس با صداي معمولي از همسرش پرسيد:

عزيزم، شام چي داريم؟ جوابي نشنيد بعد بلند شد و يک متر به جلوتر به سمت آشپزخانه رفت و همان سوال را دوباره پرسيد و باز هم جوابي نشنيد. بازهم جلوتر رفت و به در آشپزخانه رسيد. سوالش را تکرار کرد و بازهم جوابي نشنيد. اين بار جلوتر رفت و درست از پشت همسرش گفت: «عزيزم شام چي داريم؟» و همسرش گفت:مگه کري؟ براي چهارمين بار ميگم: «خوراک مرغ»! حقيقت به همين سادگي و صراحت است.

مشکل، ممکن است آن طور که ما هميشه فکر ميکنيم در ديگران نباشد؛ شايد در خودمان باشد.
https://t.me/MkNotes/93

SIGNS...
**********************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**********************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
*********************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**********************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout.."
**********************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**********************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**********************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push Push.."
**********************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**********************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**********************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**********************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.."
**********************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**********************
In a Vet's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**********************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**********************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."
**********************
And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
******************
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

https://t.me/MkNotes/94

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

https://t.me/MkNotes/95

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

https://t.me/MkNotes/96

How Morality Changes in a Foreign Language
Fascinating ethical shifts come with thinking in a different language
By Julie Sedivy on September 14, 2016

Operating in our non-native language cues our cognitive system to prepare for strenuous activity

Differences arise between native and foreign tongues because our childhood languages vibrate with greater emotional intensity than do those learned in more academic settings. As a result, moral judgments made in a foreign language are less laden with the emotional reactions that surface when we use a language learned in childhood

Languages acquired late in life, especially if they are learned through restrained interactions in the classroom or blandly delivered over computer screens and headphones, enter our minds bleached of the emotionality that is present for their native speakers.

When using a foreign language, muted emotional responses—less sympathy for those with noble intentions, less outrage for those with nefarious motives-diminished the impact of intentions.

Our moral compass is a combination of the earliest forces that have shaped us and the ways in which we escape them.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-morality-changes-in-a-foreign-language/?WT.mc_id=SA_FB_MB_NEWS#

English is for everybody, Liz Jacobs
Jun 19, 2014
The United States is legendarily a meeting point for cultures and languages from around the world. Some came voluntarily, others forcibly. Almost 40% of New York’s population is foreign-born, making it the most linguistically diverse place in the world. The city is home to thousands of languages, dialects and hybridizations like Spanglish. And as such, the language we use to communicate is fluid and unlike French or Spanish, there is no official academy defining the English language. It’s not even the official language of the United States.
This gives American English speakers the power and flexibility to take language into their own hands, to help it grow and evolve. Language gives us power to shape our world, a power we all share.
http://ideas.ted.com/english-is-for-everybody/

What makes a word "real"? Anne Curzan March 2014 at TEDxUofM

One could argue that slang words like ‘hangry,’ ‘defriend’ and ‘adorkable’ fill crucial meaning gaps in the English language, even if they don't appear in the dictionary. After all, who actually decides which words make it into those pages? Language historian Anne Curzan gives a charming look at the humans behind dictionaries, and the choices they make.

1:09 A couple of weeks ago, I was at a dinner party and the man to my right started telling me about all the ways that the Internet is degrading the English language. He brought up Facebook, and he said, "To defriend? I mean, is that even a real word?"

1:28 I want to pause on that question: What makes a word real? My dinner companion and I both know what the verb "defriend" means, so when does a new word like "defriend" become real? Who has the authority to make those kinds of official decisions about words, anyway? Those are the questions I want to talk about today.
One could argue that slang words like ‘hangry,’ ‘defriend’ and ‘adorkable’ fill crucial meaning gaps in the English language, even if they don't appear in the dictionary. After all, who actually decides which words make it into those pages? Language historian Anne Curzan gives a charming look at the humans behind dictionaries, and the choices they make.

1:56 I think most people, when they say a word isn't real, what they mean is, it doesn't appear in a standard dictionary. That, of course, raises a host of other questions, including, who writes dictionaries?
.

16:11 So how does a word get into a dictionary? It gets in because we use it and we keep using it, and dictionary editors are paying attention to us. If you're thinking, "But that lets all of us decide what words mean," I would say, "Yes it does, and it always has." Dictionaries are a wonderful guide and resource, but there is no objective dictionary authority out there that is the final arbiter about what words mean. If a community of speakers is using a word and knows what it means, it's real. That word might be slangy, that word might be informal, that word might be a word that you think is illogical or unnecessary, but that word that we're using, that word is real.

https://www.ted.com/talks/anne_curzan_what_makes_a_word_real?language=en

I Promise Myself...
To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
Christian D. Larson, http://christianlarson.wwwhubs.com/