Teasing
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Yours-
Your Loving Daughter
https://t.me/MkNotes/340
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Yours-
Your Loving Daughter
https://t.me/MkNotes/340
Telegram
MkNotes
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.…
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.…
Three men
Three men, an American, a Japanese and Mr. X were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped! The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. After a few minutes a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand. Mr. X felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
Mr. X finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Mr. X was from……….
Three men, an American, a Japanese and Mr. X were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped! The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. After a few minutes a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand. Mr. X felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
Mr. X finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Mr. X was from……….
Classic short stories that introduce American literature to intermediate English learners.
My First Selection, O Henry.
1. 'Hearts and Crosses,' by O. Henry, Part One
2. The Caliph, Cupid and the Clock by O. Henry
3. 'Mammon and the Archer' by O. Henry
4. 'One Thousand Dollars,' by O. Henry
5. 'The Gift of the Magi,' by O. Henry
6. Two Thanksgiving Day Gentlemen by O. Henry
7. The Furnished Room by O. Henry
8. A Retrieved Reformation by O. Henry
9. 'After Twenty Years,' by O.Henry
10. 'Transients in Arcadia' by O. Henry
11. 'From the Cabby's Seat,' by O. Henry
12. 'The Romance of a Busy Broker' by O. Henry
13. 'The Count and the Wedding Guest' by O. Henry
14. 'The Cop and the Anthem,' by O. Henry
15. 'The Exact Science of Matrimony' by O. Henry
16. 'The Ransom of Red Chief,' by O. Henry
17. A Municipal Report by O. Henry
https://learningenglish.voanews.com/z/1581
My First Selection, O Henry.
1. 'Hearts and Crosses,' by O. Henry, Part One
2. The Caliph, Cupid and the Clock by O. Henry
3. 'Mammon and the Archer' by O. Henry
4. 'One Thousand Dollars,' by O. Henry
5. 'The Gift of the Magi,' by O. Henry
6. Two Thanksgiving Day Gentlemen by O. Henry
7. The Furnished Room by O. Henry
8. A Retrieved Reformation by O. Henry
9. 'After Twenty Years,' by O.Henry
10. 'Transients in Arcadia' by O. Henry
11. 'From the Cabby's Seat,' by O. Henry
12. 'The Romance of a Busy Broker' by O. Henry
13. 'The Count and the Wedding Guest' by O. Henry
14. 'The Cop and the Anthem,' by O. Henry
15. 'The Exact Science of Matrimony' by O. Henry
16. 'The Ransom of Red Chief,' by O. Henry
17. A Municipal Report by O. Henry
https://learningenglish.voanews.com/z/1581
Voice of America
American Stories
Learn English as you read and listen to a weekly show with short stories by famous American authors. Adaptations are written at the intermediate and upper-beginner level and are read one-third slower than regular VOA English.
~*~ Girls~*~
HARD DISK GIRLS: She remembers everything, FOREVER
RAM GIRLS: She forgets about you, the moment it's turned off
WINDOW GIRLS: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER GIRLS: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
INTERNET GIRLS: Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS: Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS: She makes horrible thing look beautiful
CD-ROM GIRLS: She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS GIRLS: Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try uninstall her you will lose everything...
HARD DISK GIRLS: She remembers everything, FOREVER
RAM GIRLS: She forgets about you, the moment it's turned off
WINDOW GIRLS: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER GIRLS: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
INTERNET GIRLS: Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS: Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS: She makes horrible thing look beautiful
CD-ROM GIRLS: She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS GIRLS: Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try uninstall her you will lose everything...
Charity Lawyer
A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um...no.”
“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”
“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”
A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um...no.”
“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”
“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”
An old Moslem lives close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you helped me and dug up the garden for me. I love you, your father."
The following day, the old man receives response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too, Ahmed".
At 4pm the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything.
Disappointed they leave the house.
Another day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you helped me and dug up the garden for me. I love you, your father."
The following day, the old man receives response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too, Ahmed".
At 4pm the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything.
Disappointed they leave the house.
Another day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
Money isn't everything
It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.
So you see, money isn't everything...
I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... so send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.
A truer friend than me you will never find...
It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.
So you see, money isn't everything...
I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... so send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.
A truer friend than me you will never find...
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter " a ", but how do I get the circle around it?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter " a ", but how do I get the circle around it?
A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Forwarded from MKFiles
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VIEW IN TELEGRAM
HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS
👇👇👇👇
👇👇👇👇
Forwarded from MKFiles
This media is not supported in your browser
VIEW IN TELEGRAM
HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS.