MASTERING COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you want to be a good leader in a relationship, you have to make your world MORE FUN than the view your girl is mostly shaped by these days (usually shaped by pop culture, parents who set a weak model, habits from old relationship etc.)
Let's break this down with an example.
Your new girl is bratty and just cannot say when she's wrong.
Big pride.
It's very easy to get stuck in a fight here.
She needs to face the truth and just say she's wrong and that you're right.
Most guys will try to talk their way into this end.
"Here's why I'm right. Here's why you're wrong."
What most guys fail to do here is take a kind of mind view. Seeing the world through her eyes.
The reason most people (not just girls) can't say they’re wrong is that they’ve been taught it's not SAFE to be wrong.
They've been taught that being wrong can come with heavy costs worse than the first act itself.
They will be scolded and maybe hurt even more. If they choose to come clean and admit then all of a sudden the price of entry just rose.
Now there are new rules on top of them saying they’re wrong.
They may be shamed or have their nose rubbed in the mess they made. The other person gloats over them at how right they were and how they can't believe how wrong she was.
What is she? A fool?
You have to build a world for you two where it's safe to say that you're wrong.
That this is a basic rule of communicating in YOUR relationship.
Rather than falling into this hole, what should you do instead?
1. Ask her to share where she's coming from.
She's going to note how you react when she does this.
Will you give in just to please her act?
Or, will you right away start judging and tearing her thought flow?
We want to find a middle ground.
We don't just sweep things under the rug by giving in to her moods. We also don't judge/attack her when she's trying to share her side.
This shows her that you keep firm boundaries AND that you truly keep open talk. It's not a trick or trap for her to open up so you can start to dunk on her.
2. Calm it down
Tell her that you get what she's saying, how you can see how she may have reached whatever thought she has.
At this point, it's not going to count that you're right on paper.
What she's going to note is that you're not weak. That you're also not mad at her. That you truly heard what she said. And that she can really talk to you.
You have to see the gap between man-to-man talk and man-to-woman talk.
As men we grade each other by our reason skill in fixing fights.
Girls grade us by how it feels having a clash with us.
Can she trust you with her soft side? Can she trust that you're strong enough to really guide her?
You will not believe how CALM it can be for a girl to at last be with a man who can talk at this level.
Every other guy she's been with has just let her get away with all since he thinks she's hot.
So she feels like she has to be in charge of all since her man is just a side driver.
Her dad may have been a tyrant who never missed a shot to keep rule in his house through acts of force, shame, and spite.
3. Sweet not sour
By this stage she's seen a few things. You are a man of rule. This is not about feeding your pride. This is about guiding both of you to a more smooth way of life.
This is strong yet not harsh.
The last 5% of this is to really stick with the rule. Praise the good you see in her.
Once she's come around, cheer this small win for your relationship.
Maybe a kiss on the head?
Maybe a short walk and small treat at the ice cream spot down the street?
Find a small act that shifts the whole idea of "fights" as you two fix issues side by side instead of it being a win-lose game.
Remember, the whole goal here is you're trying to show her that your guide is about going to HIGHER and BETTER states.
No weak point.
No pride.
No hate.
No shame.
4. Show it first
And if you want this to really last, you have to be true with yourself. Keep your own rules and values.
Say when you're wrong.
If you want to be a good leader in a relationship, you have to make your world MORE FUN than the view your girl is mostly shaped by these days (usually shaped by pop culture, parents who set a weak model, habits from old relationship etc.)
Let's break this down with an example.
Your new girl is bratty and just cannot say when she's wrong.
Big pride.
It's very easy to get stuck in a fight here.
She needs to face the truth and just say she's wrong and that you're right.
Most guys will try to talk their way into this end.
"Here's why I'm right. Here's why you're wrong."
What most guys fail to do here is take a kind of mind view. Seeing the world through her eyes.
The reason most people (not just girls) can't say they’re wrong is that they’ve been taught it's not SAFE to be wrong.
They've been taught that being wrong can come with heavy costs worse than the first act itself.
They will be scolded and maybe hurt even more. If they choose to come clean and admit then all of a sudden the price of entry just rose.
Now there are new rules on top of them saying they’re wrong.
They may be shamed or have their nose rubbed in the mess they made. The other person gloats over them at how right they were and how they can't believe how wrong she was.
What is she? A fool?
You have to build a world for you two where it's safe to say that you're wrong.
That this is a basic rule of communicating in YOUR relationship.
Rather than falling into this hole, what should you do instead?
1. Ask her to share where she's coming from.
She's going to note how you react when she does this.
Will you give in just to please her act?
Or, will you right away start judging and tearing her thought flow?
We want to find a middle ground.
We don't just sweep things under the rug by giving in to her moods. We also don't judge/attack her when she's trying to share her side.
This shows her that you keep firm boundaries AND that you truly keep open talk. It's not a trick or trap for her to open up so you can start to dunk on her.
2. Calm it down
Tell her that you get what she's saying, how you can see how she may have reached whatever thought she has.
At this point, it's not going to count that you're right on paper.
What she's going to note is that you're not weak. That you're also not mad at her. That you truly heard what she said. And that she can really talk to you.
You have to see the gap between man-to-man talk and man-to-woman talk.
As men we grade each other by our reason skill in fixing fights.
Girls grade us by how it feels having a clash with us.
Can she trust you with her soft side? Can she trust that you're strong enough to really guide her?
You will not believe how CALM it can be for a girl to at last be with a man who can talk at this level.
Every other guy she's been with has just let her get away with all since he thinks she's hot.
So she feels like she has to be in charge of all since her man is just a side driver.
Her dad may have been a tyrant who never missed a shot to keep rule in his house through acts of force, shame, and spite.
3. Sweet not sour
By this stage she's seen a few things. You are a man of rule. This is not about feeding your pride. This is about guiding both of you to a more smooth way of life.
This is strong yet not harsh.
The last 5% of this is to really stick with the rule. Praise the good you see in her.
Once she's come around, cheer this small win for your relationship.
Maybe a kiss on the head?
Maybe a short walk and small treat at the ice cream spot down the street?
Find a small act that shifts the whole idea of "fights" as you two fix issues side by side instead of it being a win-lose game.
Remember, the whole goal here is you're trying to show her that your guide is about going to HIGHER and BETTER states.
No weak point.
No pride.
No hate.
No shame.
4. Show it first
And if you want this to really last, you have to be true with yourself. Keep your own rules and values.
Say when you're wrong.
🔥3❤2
It's also a chance for you to see from her side if she shows grace and calm with your own flaws and imperfections.
If she sees you keeping your end of the deal, she is more likely to do the same.
For her, it's once more proof that this is not about your pride, that this is a vow to both yourself and her of your dream for your bond.
In short:
- hear without judgement
- stay strong in your convictions
- show her that your view of the world and relationship is safe and more fun than what she's used to
- praise and nurture the good in her
- lead by example
This is not easy in our time where the sexes are often more against each other than ever before.
But it is our task to guide into light those who have put their love and life with us.
The only path is through.
If she sees you keeping your end of the deal, she is more likely to do the same.
For her, it's once more proof that this is not about your pride, that this is a vow to both yourself and her of your dream for your bond.
In short:
- hear without judgement
- stay strong in your convictions
- show her that your view of the world and relationship is safe and more fun than what she's used to
- praise and nurture the good in her
- lead by example
This is not easy in our time where the sexes are often more against each other than ever before.
But it is our task to guide into light those who have put their love and life with us.
The only path is through.
🔥3❤1
Has the path of learning about female psychology made you feel it’s HARDER to love girls than before?
Than...
Back when you were happy yet unaware?
This post gently gives some points to think about to help fix this sad end.
=> You have placed your cart before the horse. You have put knowing female psychology before having a firm hold of manhood and what role it plays.
=> Your own gloom is spilling over into how you see sex roles. You are problem based instead of being solution based.
=> You are not a integrated man. The soft parts of your own self are still unknown to you.
=> You are ghey (it’s not too late to rethink this choice).
=> Despite presumably understanding the female psyche you still view women as just maladapted men. Metaphorically the penis is “missing”. See the above point.
=> You have been hurt and won’t let it go. Familiar pain is easier to swallow than unfamiliar growth. Ironically this is the exact same dilemma most women subject to criticism of their own decision making find themselves in.
Most men who start to look deep into the mind of sex roles with a bent lens may show one or more of these signs.
Fixing one often starts a chain of fixing the rest.
No one is too far gone.
There is always a path through.
Than...
Back when you were happy yet unaware?
This post gently gives some points to think about to help fix this sad end.
=> You have placed your cart before the horse. You have put knowing female psychology before having a firm hold of manhood and what role it plays.
=> Your own gloom is spilling over into how you see sex roles. You are problem based instead of being solution based.
=> You are not a integrated man. The soft parts of your own self are still unknown to you.
=> You are ghey (it’s not too late to rethink this choice).
=> Despite presumably understanding the female psyche you still view women as just maladapted men. Metaphorically the penis is “missing”. See the above point.
=> You have been hurt and won’t let it go. Familiar pain is easier to swallow than unfamiliar growth. Ironically this is the exact same dilemma most women subject to criticism of their own decision making find themselves in.
Most men who start to look deep into the mind of sex roles with a bent lens may show one or more of these signs.
Fixing one often starts a chain of fixing the rest.
No one is too far gone.
There is always a path through.
🔥2❤1
Honing your game is more about focusing on getting as close to 100% of the right moves as you can.
It’s not about trying to get to 100% of the “right” result.
Funny enough focusing on the first is actually what gets us closer to the second.
Steph Curry is almost always seen as the best 3 point shooter of all time. He has a career shot rate of 42.6%. Meaning, he is more likely to miss any 3 pointer he takes than to make it.
And he’s the best human ever at this one skill. Ever. Still misses more than he scores.
All he has to care about is taking the best shot he can.
This problem of perception is something I see a lot of intermediate guys struggle with. They too often think if something goes wrong it means that something was “off” with their game. Maybe.
A clear sign of intermediates is that by this point they’ve started to develop the nascent stages of a sort of proto-intuition.
Feedback starts to feel a little new.
They can go back and check against their established benchmarks that they know work.
Clear things like “Did I push AND pull?” and, as you inch closer to advanced, increasingly more sentimental things like “Did I feel like I was in the moment?”.
It’s questions like the last that show you’re starting to build your own style.
Which is shaped by a huge mix of inner traits, likes, and key past events that are yours alone.
Your “style” (some might call this closer to like a “persona”) starts to do sorting for you in the back. Without effort.
Meaning that when something doesn’t work out, if the other technical points of reference were met, the reason is more like “it just wasn’t meant to be”.
The way to accept this is to slowly stop going back to the technical pieces as much and trust your gut AND the truth that you’re dealing with women who are also linked to a whole other source of sense from men that they’re only partly aware of.
Think of it as God, or the world or whatever you call it saying “Yeah I get what you tried here but no. Not this one. Trust me.”
When we start to think this way, we build up our change from “sellers” to “seekers”. Let’s just see what plays out here.
All you need to care about is taking the best shot you can.
It’s not about trying to get to 100% of the “right” result.
Funny enough focusing on the first is actually what gets us closer to the second.
Steph Curry is almost always seen as the best 3 point shooter of all time. He has a career shot rate of 42.6%. Meaning, he is more likely to miss any 3 pointer he takes than to make it.
And he’s the best human ever at this one skill. Ever. Still misses more than he scores.
All he has to care about is taking the best shot he can.
This problem of perception is something I see a lot of intermediate guys struggle with. They too often think if something goes wrong it means that something was “off” with their game. Maybe.
A clear sign of intermediates is that by this point they’ve started to develop the nascent stages of a sort of proto-intuition.
Feedback starts to feel a little new.
They can go back and check against their established benchmarks that they know work.
Clear things like “Did I push AND pull?” and, as you inch closer to advanced, increasingly more sentimental things like “Did I feel like I was in the moment?”.
It’s questions like the last that show you’re starting to build your own style.
Which is shaped by a huge mix of inner traits, likes, and key past events that are yours alone.
Your “style” (some might call this closer to like a “persona”) starts to do sorting for you in the back. Without effort.
Meaning that when something doesn’t work out, if the other technical points of reference were met, the reason is more like “it just wasn’t meant to be”.
The way to accept this is to slowly stop going back to the technical pieces as much and trust your gut AND the truth that you’re dealing with women who are also linked to a whole other source of sense from men that they’re only partly aware of.
Think of it as God, or the world or whatever you call it saying “Yeah I get what you tried here but no. Not this one. Trust me.”
When we start to think this way, we build up our change from “sellers” to “seekers”. Let’s just see what plays out here.
All you need to care about is taking the best shot you can.
🔥4❤1
Mystery’s 6 traits of an attractive man from The Game.
=> Confidence
=> Smile
=> Well-groomed
=> Humor
=> Connects with people
=> Social hub of a room
The book is close to 20 years old now and how little has really changed.
=> Confidence
=> Smile
=> Well-groomed
=> Humor
=> Connects with people
=> Social hub of a room
The book is close to 20 years old now and how little has really changed.
🔥3❤1
DO NOT get lazy the moment you start putting together some wins.
In dating or in any other part of life.
Momentum is tough to build again from zero.
Never take it lightly.
Remember motion is always rewarded.
You will honestly save YEARS of your life.
In dating or in any other part of life.
Momentum is tough to build again from zero.
Never take it lightly.
Remember motion is always rewarded.
You will honestly save YEARS of your life.
❤7🔥4
Sometimes you can learn just as much by purposely doing the opposite of what you would normally think to do in a moment.
This is why being a "wing" is by accident a strong way for you to get sharper at game. There’s less “pressure” on you so you get to see things from a more calm view.
Last week I had dinner with some friends, one of whom brought a girl he was looking to date. Now I didn’t really have to do any “winging” for him, he already had things handled.
But I did notice that the girl was showing a little bit of interest in me and I had to quickly shut this down so I wouldn’t mess things up.
So what happened?
There’s 6 of us at this table and we’re all just chilling and at some point she starts trying to have a more close talk with me 1 on 1 (we call this world making or forming a “bubble” and already you can see the game play out in real time).
Now what do I do to block this?
How do I stop attraction from growing instead of letting it get stronger?
Any question she had for me I would throw it back to open up to the group.
Her: “So you’re from X place right? That’s so cool, do you love it there?”
“You know it’s fine” then turning to one of my boys “What did you think about it when you visited?”
Now most guys will tell you that by ignoring to accept this thread and continuing to open it up I've actually built MORE attraction. Not less. Girls want what they can't have right?
Kind of.
The first time I did this, you could for sure say that yes I may have built more pull.
Why?
Well this is how you build trust. I’m not treating her as someone above anyone else in the group.
I am a fair and chill vibe dealer happy to share my flow and energy with anyone and everyone who stops by my "soup for the soul kitchen."
Let’s step back, what’s happened so far in these first 20-30 minutes?
- Vibing (+)
- World making (+)
- Breaking rapport/building trust (+)
So far if my goal is to shine the light on my boy instead of me I’m doing a bad job. How will I pull loss out of a win here?
I go harder on the same thing.
The next time she tries to start a more private convo with me, I do the same thing again. Answer weakly before throwing it back to the group.
Again most guys would make the same point as before. I’m ignoring her, acting "too cool for school", and somehow making her even more hooked than before.
But that’s not what’s going on.
Now what’s taking place is I’m flat out blocking any move of her interest in me.
Before you could say I just built trust that I won’t fold to her will.
But now what I’m doing is not giving her any reward for going along with mine.
All I’ve given her so far is vibes (which cost nothing) and a reason to trust me.
But now I'm making the cardinal sin of not giving ANY pull. Or 'heat' as some of us refer to it.
At some point you do need to give some special treatment.
Most guys hold back from doing this to not look like a “simp” or to avoid feeling like they’re just feeding her need for attention or that being cold and distant and aloof is what you must do.
They’re a bit right but really they just have their order all mixed.
Now the math looks like this:
- Vibing (+)
- World making (+)
- Breaking rapport/Building trust (+)
- No heat/shut out (----)
Girls catch on and soon I drop off her view.
Sometimes it’s useful to think of things from a flipped view.
What would someone who wants to LOSE this game do and make it look as smooth as they can?
Understand?
This is why being a "wing" is by accident a strong way for you to get sharper at game. There’s less “pressure” on you so you get to see things from a more calm view.
Last week I had dinner with some friends, one of whom brought a girl he was looking to date. Now I didn’t really have to do any “winging” for him, he already had things handled.
But I did notice that the girl was showing a little bit of interest in me and I had to quickly shut this down so I wouldn’t mess things up.
So what happened?
There’s 6 of us at this table and we’re all just chilling and at some point she starts trying to have a more close talk with me 1 on 1 (we call this world making or forming a “bubble” and already you can see the game play out in real time).
Now what do I do to block this?
How do I stop attraction from growing instead of letting it get stronger?
Any question she had for me I would throw it back to open up to the group.
Her: “So you’re from X place right? That’s so cool, do you love it there?”
“You know it’s fine” then turning to one of my boys “What did you think about it when you visited?”
Now most guys will tell you that by ignoring to accept this thread and continuing to open it up I've actually built MORE attraction. Not less. Girls want what they can't have right?
Kind of.
The first time I did this, you could for sure say that yes I may have built more pull.
Why?
Well this is how you build trust. I’m not treating her as someone above anyone else in the group.
I am a fair and chill vibe dealer happy to share my flow and energy with anyone and everyone who stops by my "soup for the soul kitchen."
Let’s step back, what’s happened so far in these first 20-30 minutes?
- Vibing (+)
- World making (+)
- Breaking rapport/building trust (+)
So far if my goal is to shine the light on my boy instead of me I’m doing a bad job. How will I pull loss out of a win here?
I go harder on the same thing.
The next time she tries to start a more private convo with me, I do the same thing again. Answer weakly before throwing it back to the group.
Again most guys would make the same point as before. I’m ignoring her, acting "too cool for school", and somehow making her even more hooked than before.
But that’s not what’s going on.
Now what’s taking place is I’m flat out blocking any move of her interest in me.
Before you could say I just built trust that I won’t fold to her will.
But now what I’m doing is not giving her any reward for going along with mine.
All I’ve given her so far is vibes (which cost nothing) and a reason to trust me.
But now I'm making the cardinal sin of not giving ANY pull. Or 'heat' as some of us refer to it.
At some point you do need to give some special treatment.
Most guys hold back from doing this to not look like a “simp” or to avoid feeling like they’re just feeding her need for attention or that being cold and distant and aloof is what you must do.
They’re a bit right but really they just have their order all mixed.
Now the math looks like this:
- Vibing (+)
- World making (+)
- Breaking rapport/Building trust (+)
- No heat/shut out (----)
Girls catch on and soon I drop off her view.
Sometimes it’s useful to think of things from a flipped view.
What would someone who wants to LOSE this game do and make it look as smooth as they can?
Understand?
❤3🔥2
My worst rejection story.
Don't laugh at me when you read this 😂
Check it out 👇
manofstxxx.substack.com
Don't laugh at me when you read this 😂
Check it out 👇
manofstxxx.substack.com
❤1
This may sound a bit ambiguous but sometimes when you THINK you’re leading the girl is really just guiding you to be led.
Some guys who get boxed into the “provider” role think that they’re doing fine by just showing masculine leadership and that’s enough.
That’s surely a good thing but not always truly enough.
You need some edge. Otherwise she’ll see that while you may be a “catch”, you don’t really get the butterflies going.
She’s glad to let you lead when you show yourself this way, but don’t get it wrong, the puppet strings really run back to her grip.
Some guys who get boxed into the “provider” role think that they’re doing fine by just showing masculine leadership and that’s enough.
That’s surely a good thing but not always truly enough.
You need some edge. Otherwise she’ll see that while you may be a “catch”, you don’t really get the butterflies going.
She’s glad to let you lead when you show yourself this way, but don’t get it wrong, the puppet strings really run back to her grip.
🔥2
Been long since I did this.
Down for a Q&A.
If you have any questions regarding dating, relationship or life.
Then feel free to ask away.
Will be in the comments waiting to answer your question 👇
Down for a Q&A.
If you have any questions regarding dating, relationship or life.
Then feel free to ask away.
Will be in the comments waiting to answer your question 👇
🔥1
The semen retainers have got to be the most down bad group out there.
"My aura has clearly grown."
"I am noticing more girls noticing me noticing them notice me"
"Dogs are peeing more often near me."
???
What on earth is going on?
The guy who is actually getting real play out there is not thinking about this madness AT. ALL.
He spilled his load all over the gaming desk in his room after walking past his roommate’s couch and seeing how one side in particular looks oddly more ‘soft and round’.
This is all prep for leading a wild charge on that next weekend’s clueless bride-to-be party.
The idea of joining in a ritual of reproductive self exile never even crosses his Elf bar fried brain.
What you are doing is a SICKNESS.
A fake illness driven by a constant fear that can only be falsely eased by nervously self-pleasing.
A fake illness only shared between you and all the other wound up apes stuck in cages in research centers all over the globe.
Real semen retention doesn’t even begin until actual tantra enters the picture.
Try holding it in while breaking down a slimthicc Italian while the fingers of both of your hands are entirely interlaced with one another.
As she rambles out grandma’s lost food recipe in old Latin slang long thought to be gone by most language experts on the subject.
That is the true path to the enlightenment you’re seeking.
"My aura has clearly grown."
"I am noticing more girls noticing me noticing them notice me"
"Dogs are peeing more often near me."
???
What on earth is going on?
The guy who is actually getting real play out there is not thinking about this madness AT. ALL.
He spilled his load all over the gaming desk in his room after walking past his roommate’s couch and seeing how one side in particular looks oddly more ‘soft and round’.
This is all prep for leading a wild charge on that next weekend’s clueless bride-to-be party.
The idea of joining in a ritual of reproductive self exile never even crosses his Elf bar fried brain.
What you are doing is a SICKNESS.
A fake illness driven by a constant fear that can only be falsely eased by nervously self-pleasing.
A fake illness only shared between you and all the other wound up apes stuck in cages in research centers all over the globe.
Real semen retention doesn’t even begin until actual tantra enters the picture.
Try holding it in while breaking down a slimthicc Italian while the fingers of both of your hands are entirely interlaced with one another.
As she rambles out grandma’s lost food recipe in old Latin slang long thought to be gone by most language experts on the subject.
That is the true path to the enlightenment you’re seeking.
😁5🔥1
Had a convo the other day with a client from about a month ago. Had a pretty unique case that I think a lot of guys will find familiar.
This is the kind of case where it’s very easy to take a “good idea” and just fail to use it at the right point in time.
Our main guy in this story has been chatting with this girl for about a week or two, and was finally able to set up a time to see her.
He’s young, early 20’s, not that experienced, has some old self esteem doubts, but still has a clear head on his shoulders.
She’s also in her early 20’s and is a pretty attractive girl, the kind that guys in his place are used to crushing on but often too nervous to really pursue.
The date goes smooth, as well as anyone could hope, and yet by the end there are a few moments that bring some heavy doubts into his mind.
=> First, she starts talking about other guys, guys she says she thinks are cute, or cool, even guys she hints she may or may not already be “chatting” with.
=> Second, they’ve been talking about a group trip together with some of her friends that she directly asked him to come on. While he’s driving her home, he gives her a smirk when she says they’ll be staying in a shared room together. Right away she reacts with a grossed out face that, of course, the two of them will be in separate beds and that NOTHING will happen between them.
Our guy doesn’t take this too well. He tells me it made him feel ugly, unwanted and in his low mood he finishes driving her home and thinks about blocking her even though he still feels drawn to her and liked the time they had together outside of those short moments.
What did I tell him?
The truth we need to remember here is that we are always PICKING what we look at and how that shapes our next moves and choices.
We do not believe what we see.
We see what we believe.
The main guy here is getting “mixed signals” (not really and I’ll break down why these are pseudo mixed later in this).
What are our green lights?
He has shown clearly that he sees her as more than a friend. The girl answers him over text. She quickly says yes to go on a date with him. She brings him on a trip full of people he doesn’t really know. She talks about more chances to see each other in the future.
What are our red lights?
Her talk about other guys that she sees as more than friends. Her shutting down the idea that sex will happen between them.
In the relative inexperience of our guy, he is used to looking for the reasons why he thinks things WON’T go well for him rather than spotting clear signs that say the opposite.
A usual issue with young guys who lack skill is they feel like they must be hit over the head with super clear signs and hints that a girl is REALLY ACTUALLY INTO them. Needs to be a 100% sure thing with no guess work. Can’t live in the maybe.
But it doesn’t work like this. Why is this girl giving him these red lights? And they aren’t true red lights really, as said earlier these are pseudo mixed signals.
These are a way to guard herself. She just wants him to not think she’s “easy”. If she is doing this in a good way is another talk, but remember she’s young and not that skilled herself, so she too is just starting to learn these tools of how to play this out.
She wants to test if he’s going to react too emotional (how steady is he?), if he's excessively and inappropriately overinvested in a relationship still in very obviously nascent stages (a few weeks of talking and one date), and if he’s confident in himself to move through this without any contracts or guarantees (whatever comes “just has to happen” on its own… in the moment).
There are three big points here.
1. Your views will mostly shape what you do and how you react. This then builds self-fulfilling stories. Think she’s rejecting you? You’ll find ways to prove it right in all sorts of small moves and choices. Think she’s into you and just wants you to stay steady and not fold first? You’ll keep acting like you have the best hand in play. And everyone else will follow.
This is the kind of case where it’s very easy to take a “good idea” and just fail to use it at the right point in time.
Our main guy in this story has been chatting with this girl for about a week or two, and was finally able to set up a time to see her.
He’s young, early 20’s, not that experienced, has some old self esteem doubts, but still has a clear head on his shoulders.
She’s also in her early 20’s and is a pretty attractive girl, the kind that guys in his place are used to crushing on but often too nervous to really pursue.
The date goes smooth, as well as anyone could hope, and yet by the end there are a few moments that bring some heavy doubts into his mind.
=> First, she starts talking about other guys, guys she says she thinks are cute, or cool, even guys she hints she may or may not already be “chatting” with.
=> Second, they’ve been talking about a group trip together with some of her friends that she directly asked him to come on. While he’s driving her home, he gives her a smirk when she says they’ll be staying in a shared room together. Right away she reacts with a grossed out face that, of course, the two of them will be in separate beds and that NOTHING will happen between them.
Our guy doesn’t take this too well. He tells me it made him feel ugly, unwanted and in his low mood he finishes driving her home and thinks about blocking her even though he still feels drawn to her and liked the time they had together outside of those short moments.
What did I tell him?
The truth we need to remember here is that we are always PICKING what we look at and how that shapes our next moves and choices.
We do not believe what we see.
We see what we believe.
The main guy here is getting “mixed signals” (not really and I’ll break down why these are pseudo mixed later in this).
What are our green lights?
He has shown clearly that he sees her as more than a friend. The girl answers him over text. She quickly says yes to go on a date with him. She brings him on a trip full of people he doesn’t really know. She talks about more chances to see each other in the future.
What are our red lights?
Her talk about other guys that she sees as more than friends. Her shutting down the idea that sex will happen between them.
In the relative inexperience of our guy, he is used to looking for the reasons why he thinks things WON’T go well for him rather than spotting clear signs that say the opposite.
A usual issue with young guys who lack skill is they feel like they must be hit over the head with super clear signs and hints that a girl is REALLY ACTUALLY INTO them. Needs to be a 100% sure thing with no guess work. Can’t live in the maybe.
But it doesn’t work like this. Why is this girl giving him these red lights? And they aren’t true red lights really, as said earlier these are pseudo mixed signals.
These are a way to guard herself. She just wants him to not think she’s “easy”. If she is doing this in a good way is another talk, but remember she’s young and not that skilled herself, so she too is just starting to learn these tools of how to play this out.
She wants to test if he’s going to react too emotional (how steady is he?), if he's excessively and inappropriately overinvested in a relationship still in very obviously nascent stages (a few weeks of talking and one date), and if he’s confident in himself to move through this without any contracts or guarantees (whatever comes “just has to happen” on its own… in the moment).
There are three big points here.
1. Your views will mostly shape what you do and how you react. This then builds self-fulfilling stories. Think she’s rejecting you? You’ll find ways to prove it right in all sorts of small moves and choices. Think she’s into you and just wants you to stay steady and not fold first? You’ll keep acting like you have the best hand in play. And everyone else will follow.
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2. There are no future sure things. The only sure thing you can give is that you’ll act how the moment calls. He doesn’t need her to make a clear deal that ‘YES - we WILL sleep together on this trip at EXACTLY 11:43 p.m. when our friends are asleep. Bring snacks!’ Instead - you just need to trust that when the time comes you will play it best and that’s not by chasing a fixed result. Any good result, whether that’s sex or just getting closer and more invested, will come as a side effect of you holding another value ABOVE that goal. What is that value? Giving into having fun and bringing the best vibe to everyone around you without terms. Everything else comes as a side effect of that. Gained only INDIRECTLY. Never as a direct target.
3. No one can make you feel anything about you that you don’t let into your mind. He told me that her act made him feel like he was ugly and that there were other guys “better” than him and she wanted to tease him for it. That is one way to see it. And funny enough it would be true if he let it soak into his mind untested. The truth is more complex. It is bendable.
What happened in the end after he got this advice and these points?
He didn’t let himself get too bitter or hurt over it. He kept going as if things were still in his favor - not that he even needed it to go a set way - again only the now is real and what we can act on.
He got her out on a second date a few days later and with this new fresh frame… made the most of their time.
It’s that simple.
3. No one can make you feel anything about you that you don’t let into your mind. He told me that her act made him feel like he was ugly and that there were other guys “better” than him and she wanted to tease him for it. That is one way to see it. And funny enough it would be true if he let it soak into his mind untested. The truth is more complex. It is bendable.
What happened in the end after he got this advice and these points?
He didn’t let himself get too bitter or hurt over it. He kept going as if things were still in his favor - not that he even needed it to go a set way - again only the now is real and what we can act on.
He got her out on a second date a few days later and with this new fresh frame… made the most of their time.
It’s that simple.
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Big problem guys face in personal relationships is confusing the map with the territory.
Trying to always carefully plan ahead how to act and react to hidden motives they assume the other person might have.
But this is almost impossible to pull off.
Half the time the other person barely knows why they are even acting how they act or why they think what they think.
The better move is to always return to a state of just being.
Riding the mental slopes, highs, and lows as they show up in your sight in real time.
This means really moving through the land by improvising.
Going with the flow while holding a simple compass of the place you want to reach (hint - HIGHER).
Strangely the way you pick to draw it is how the territory will start to appear.
It is THAT flexible. It’s a loop effect.
It’s a flywheel effect.
As if you were a plane pulling your lever back to lift the nose toward upward ascension.
Do you get it?
Trying to always carefully plan ahead how to act and react to hidden motives they assume the other person might have.
But this is almost impossible to pull off.
Half the time the other person barely knows why they are even acting how they act or why they think what they think.
The better move is to always return to a state of just being.
Riding the mental slopes, highs, and lows as they show up in your sight in real time.
This means really moving through the land by improvising.
Going with the flow while holding a simple compass of the place you want to reach (hint - HIGHER).
Strangely the way you pick to draw it is how the territory will start to appear.
It is THAT flexible. It’s a loop effect.
It’s a flywheel effect.
As if you were a plane pulling your lever back to lift the nose toward upward ascension.
Do you get it?
❤4
If you made even one tiny decision differently, choices down to the nanosecond, the outcome of your life is completely altered.
Billions of micro “mistakes” can lead to huge wins.
Worrying is preposterous.
You never know what fortune you’re walking into.
Every red light you stop at, every twist, every turn, is constantly shifting the timestamp slightly of where you’ll be next.
Who you run into is different, the game board is always revolving.
The board is always moving.
Don’t worry, don’t panic for this reason.
You can’t measure the dangers and blessings you’re both dodging and gaining, and they always rotate.
If you’ve been a 10 year loser and now make a mil a year, you never failed.
You were never a loser.
That precisely had to happen when it did to get you the mil. Gambling proves this. It’s nonsense to say “Damn, I should’ve picked red!” when you lose on black.
Had you bet differently? The nanosecond differential changes the entire spin. The precise moment the wheel is spun also alters. The lesson is it came up red when you get black because of every synthesized moment in time combined to create the outcome.
Change one tiny detail and chaos wins.
So it’s true everything must happen exactly when it does for the next thing to come.
A broke, deadbeat homeless addict lives on the street for 5 years.
Walks into a liquor store with a buck and wins the $50 million lotto.
He quite literally was paid $10 million a year to be homeless and quite literally had to make exactly every choice he made to hit the lotto. Had he made one single solitary different decision in that timeframe, since birth actually, he wouldn’t have been at the store at that EXACT moment to print the EXACT winning numbers.
His entire life is instantly a material success because of his past.
MY POINT IS you can’t predict life so trust the process.
Billions of micro “mistakes” can lead to huge wins.
Worrying is preposterous.
You never know what fortune you’re walking into.
Every red light you stop at, every twist, every turn, is constantly shifting the timestamp slightly of where you’ll be next.
Who you run into is different, the game board is always revolving.
The board is always moving.
Don’t worry, don’t panic for this reason.
You can’t measure the dangers and blessings you’re both dodging and gaining, and they always rotate.
If you’ve been a 10 year loser and now make a mil a year, you never failed.
You were never a loser.
That precisely had to happen when it did to get you the mil. Gambling proves this. It’s nonsense to say “Damn, I should’ve picked red!” when you lose on black.
Had you bet differently? The nanosecond differential changes the entire spin. The precise moment the wheel is spun also alters. The lesson is it came up red when you get black because of every synthesized moment in time combined to create the outcome.
Change one tiny detail and chaos wins.
So it’s true everything must happen exactly when it does for the next thing to come.
A broke, deadbeat homeless addict lives on the street for 5 years.
Walks into a liquor store with a buck and wins the $50 million lotto.
He quite literally was paid $10 million a year to be homeless and quite literally had to make exactly every choice he made to hit the lotto. Had he made one single solitary different decision in that timeframe, since birth actually, he wouldn’t have been at the store at that EXACT moment to print the EXACT winning numbers.
His entire life is instantly a material success because of his past.
MY POINT IS you can’t predict life so trust the process.
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Men seem to have different views on single mothers and older women in general
Here is the good news
They make it VERY clear what they are looking for
There is usually no shyness, hiding, acting fun but then becoming someone different, etc.
They will either tell you straight or their profile will show what it is they are looking for
So when an older woman says "SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS ONLY"
take that as truth and let her be if you are not looking for anything serious
On the other hand, the older women who have been at peace with leaving the disney fairy tale love story...
They will be fun, flirty, and will gladly join your plan if you are also a fun, cool, sexy, strong guy
Just save yourself the trouble of trying to make something happen fast from a closeness point of view with the older women seeking relationships
It is better for both sides if you avoid
Here is the good news
They make it VERY clear what they are looking for
There is usually no shyness, hiding, acting fun but then becoming someone different, etc.
They will either tell you straight or their profile will show what it is they are looking for
So when an older woman says "SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS ONLY"
take that as truth and let her be if you are not looking for anything serious
On the other hand, the older women who have been at peace with leaving the disney fairy tale love story...
They will be fun, flirty, and will gladly join your plan if you are also a fun, cool, sexy, strong guy
Just save yourself the trouble of trying to make something happen fast from a closeness point of view with the older women seeking relationships
It is better for both sides if you avoid
❤1🔥1