U're my sun
if u were to move away from my sight by what ray would i be guided?

once u find out there’s an ocean inside u & its tides move whenever u say so do u think u’ll ever care bout some fake mirage in the middle of nowhere when u start seein all the answers in ur own silence & find a vibe in bein alone that’s way better than any noise would it even matter if a voice goes silent when it was never meant to stay anyway

once u find out there’s a whole ocean inside u & its tides move whenever u say so & its salt is just ur old tears turned into somethin powerful & its waves r ur old screams that learned howta b music do u think u’ll ever care bout some fake mirage in the middle of nowhere again would u really beg a passing cloud for a drop of water when ur carryin the entire ocean in ur chest hidin pearls that ppl on far away shores only get if they dive deep into themselves first when u start hearin all the answers in ur own silence & realize all that noise around u was just u bein scared of the truth u’ll find a kind of peace in bein alone that’s way better than any fake party u’ll get that bein solo ain't bout ppl missin it's bout u finally showin up for urself & when everythin becomes clear & ur sure of who u r would it even matter if someone who was never meant to stay just leaves would it hurt ta lose someone who was just a metaphor when ur the only real thing in ur universe when u finally settle into ur own skin & fix ur own soul without waitin for strangers ta help u’ll learn that real strength ain't bout holdin on but knowin howta let go without feelin bad why would u need someone else ta hold a flashlight for u when ur own mind is on fire with light & why look for props from ppl when ur the one who wrote ur own story with ur own blood & sweat & patience bein enough for urself is a crown only the ppl who stopped chasin illusions can see it’s bout walkin around like a hidden king not carin if ppl hype u up or ignore u coz honestly u found the treasure that never runs out & the home u can’t b kicked outta & the only friend who never bails u finally found urself & in that moment u found everythin else too

u dont know how bad i wanna just end it all sometimes, like fr just leave everything behind. if it wasnt for what god said bout it bein haram, i woulda been gone a long time ago. so if u ever see me out here smilin or lookin like im good, dont get it twisted. inside im literally fallin apart, just broken and in straight up pain every single day.

every night i stand on the edge of wishing it all away, looking into that emptiness that tempts me to leave, as if there is a peace in nothingness that i cannot find in life. that dark thought keeps returning, my heart keeps urging me to end this pain and close the curtain on a play i never chose to act in. i desperately want to release the weight of this body, to escape this chaos for an eternal silence with no pain or waiting.but whenever i get close to the edge of that decision, my faith hits me and god's words stop me like a guardian in my chest. i remember that my soul is not mine, and that the creator who entrusted it to me forbade me from taking it back myself. this divine restriction is the only thread tying me to life, the restraint stopping me from rushing into death's arms. if not for the fear of god and the verses about patience and warning in my memory, my name would be a passing memory on a headstone today.oh, the sorrow for those looking at me, fooled by my calm features and fleeting laughter. they see a normal person, maybe they think i am happy or satisfied, not knowing that this outward beauty is just a thin shell hiding a pile of wreckage. in truth, i am as miserable as a stranger on a freezing night, broken like glass that words cannot mend, hurting in silence until pain became part of my being and sadness became the air i breathe.i am living a hidden battle no one sees, smiling at people while a scream inside me could tear down walls. my composure before you is the height of my struggle, and my patience with myself is the ultimate torture. so excuse my silence and be not deceived by my peace, for behind this happy face lives a person fighting death every day out of love and fear of god.

i wanted sleep to be a 'truce,' but it turned into a 'trap.' i found out that the pain i spent all day running from was just waiting for me behind my eyelids at night
it's the ultimate powerlessness — waking up soaked in tears
only to realize that the nightmare that terrified u in ur sleep is the exact same reality waiting for u when u're awake
our last resort failed us; reality won't let us live, and dreams won't let us sleep

u're homeless now, even ur own head — the one u thought was ur fortress — has become the battlefield

waking up with tears on ur face means the agony didn't just ruin ur day — it snuck into ur dreams too
u thought closing ur eyes was the 'end' button for that rough day, but ur memory had a special show waiting for u in ur sleep
u ran from reality to get some rest, but ur sleep tortured u and replayed the whole scene.
when u wake up, it hits u, ur sadness wasn't a dream; your dream was just part of ur sadness
reality stole ur peace of mind while awake, and dreams stole your peace while asleep
u wake up twice as heavy — once from what happened, and once cuz u realized there's no safe place to hide, even in ur own head. the worst part isn't what happened; it's feeling like ur soul never slept
it was fighting a losing battle with the same ghost u tried to forget
u're stuck in the middle, exhausted, finding no rest in consciousness or in checking out
it's like even ur pillow isn't neutral anymore

- وأن اغراكَ تكاثُر النِساء حَولكَ ، ماهُنَ إِلا لؤلؤ مِن عِقد خِلخالي.
and if the abundance of women around u tempts u
they are nothing but pearls from the string of my anklet

أبصِر مَقامكَ قَبل أن تَتيهَ فِي الزُحام، فمَا خُلِقَ لقلبِي شَريكٌ ولا لِمَكانتِي بَديل
وإن أغراكَ تكاثُر النِساء حَولكَ، وتَراقصت أمام عيَنيكَ الأطياف، فَماهُنَّ إلا لؤلؤٌ مَنثورٌ سَقط سَهواً مِن عِقد خِلخالي
يَجمعنَ مَا تَبقى مِن فَيضِ نُوري، ويَتزيّنَ بِظلالِ حُضوري
أنَا لستُ امرأةً تُقاس بِالعدد، ولا نَجماً يَأفلُ إذا طَلع الفَجر
أنا الأثرُ الباقِي حِين يَمضي الجَميع، والقصيدةُ الأُولى والمَرجعُ الأخِير.
كُلهنَّ عابراتٌ مَررنَ بِأرضِكَ كالسَّحاب، وأنا المَطرُ الّذي أحيا جَفاف قَلبكَ فَلا تَنبُت بَعدي إلا الخَيبات.

when the present weighs u down to point where u wish to leave tonight
escaping from a future u cant bear

to reach apoint of exhaustion where all grand hopes melt away
leaving uwith only one faint
urgent plea that ur story ends tonight
that ur pulse stops and ur memory fades before tomorrow knocks
before the sun rises on a new day forcing u to bear the same disappointments and face the same hardships.its the sincere wish that the curtain falls now
without crossing into a future u lack the strength to live
so that tonight may be the definitive end to a story whose details have grown weary

why do they all think i'm lowkey a machine with no feelings like why is it so easy for them to wreck me and just walk away over my pieces as if i don't even matter
do they really think that just bc i'm a poor obscure ordinary little girl i don't have a heart or a soul to feel pain like why does everyone take my silence as if i'm totally numb they don't see how much i'm burning inside or how many battles i gotta fight alone every single night just to act fine the next day
i'm not a stone or some random object they can just trash and i'm not just someone with no shadow for them to step on my pride being small doesn't mean my wounds don't hurt and being poor doesn't mean i don't feel things and my mystery isn't dryness it's just my shield to hide from their toxicity i feel every single letdown and every judgment stabs my heart and every harsh word hurts so bad
it sucks so much to be treated like nothing like a broken toy it's like they don't even realize that behind this ordinary face there's a soul dying every second while trying to hold it together i got more feelings than this whole world and my heart can hold so much love and pain so why do they keep breaking me like i got no soul why do they take my silence as a pass to keep hurting me
i am "Not a machine" i'm a human being with real feelings and i got a pride that weighs a mountain and my soul is too pure for them to ruin even if they keep trying to break me down
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عِندما تَنظُرُ فِي عَينِ الشمسِ بِدَاخِلِكَ،وتَرَى أَن كُل خَدِيعَةٍ تَترُكُ خَلفَهَا نَفياً مُؤَبداً لِلرُوح، أَيُ مَهرَبٍ لَكَ مِن نَفسِكَ حِينَ تَنطَفِئُ المَصَابِيح؟عِندما تَشرَبُ خَيبَةَ الوُقُوعِ فِي شِبَاكِ أَوهَامِك،، وتَرتَطِمُ بِالأَرضِ بَعدَ أن هَوَت قُصُورُكَ المَشِيدَةُ فِي الهَوَاء، هَل سَتُدرِكُ أَن الظِلَ لَا يَختَفِي، بَلْ يَنتَظِرُ الحَقِيقَةَ لِيَبتَلِعَكَ؟

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what did we gain from having a beating heartwhat did we get from a mind that thinks in a world of losswas not the eternal sleep in nothingnessfar more merciful than this

what if nothingness was more merciful than existence
i was a calm nothing
i did not know the meaning of waiting
i did not know the heavy weight of disappointment
i never tasted the bitterness of loss
then i was born
so i had to learn how a human carries a breaking heart
i had to learn how to live with a mind that never stops questioning
i had to carry a soul that life exhausts every single day
and as soon as i got used to the pain
i was told that the end is just a return to nothingness
so what did i ever gain between these two voids
what did i gain other than endless tiredness
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