<<A [reposted and slightly edited and still relevant] MESSAGE FROM THE HUMAN BRAIN OF THE CYBERPLANNER>>

CW : indirect discussion of abuse and mental / emotional trauma.

'Tis the season for jangled nerves, and I want to shout out to anyone for whom "The Holidays" are difficult or painful because of a lost, absent, or especially an abusive or hostile initial family. The following message is for you.

Since "family" is often a focus of societal expectation, advertising, and interaction during "The Holidays," it's inevitable that you'll dwell on your thoughts and feelings toward your initial family. If you do have good memories, cherish them, but remember that they are not an absolution. Any benefits that you may have received may stand on their own, but they are not an absolution, nor should kindness and support have ever been quid pro quo for any kind of harm, abuse, manipulation, or rejection that you may have endured.

A lot of discussion surrounds the topic of forgiveness of others. Entire religions are supposedly based around the concept, and you'll find it on the lips of many therapists and the pages of most self help books.

Forgiveness of others is never your obligation. Forgiveness of others is not a prerequisite for closure or moving on. Forgiveness is especially not a gift to be given lightly. If forgiveness is something you wish to work towards, that's your prerogative, and an honorable one.

However, you are most definitely within your rights and boundaries if forgiveness is not a blessing you're willing or able to give. You're not broken, nor are you condemned to a life of unresolved misery if forgiveness is not part of your process of moving on.

Part of growing and developing as a person is learning that *you* define your boundaries and the criteria by which you give others respect and forgiveness. For some people, especially abusers who refuse to change their cycle of behavior, these criteria may rightfully be impossible. You are not obligated to make these criteria possible.

Forgiving yourself, however, is a different matter. You are the only person that you truly have to live with. No matter what you've been through, remember that you are never at fault for people, especially initial family, mistreating you. If, for whatever reason, you're holding on to self blame for mistreatment you've endured, I encourage you to forgive yourself as you're able to, and give yourself the kindness and understanding that you may have been denied.

I want to remind you that things DO get better. It's not just a question of "building character," or becoming used to a low standard. It's also not about changing yourself to fulfill the standards of "conditional love." Your boundaries, morals, and being are yours and yours alone, and your brilliance is immutable.

Your boundaries may include limiting your own exposure to and participation in "holiday" events and gatherings, depending on who may be present or the nature of the events themselves. There is no shame in distance. Peace of mind, however you can find it, is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

You'll notice that I used the term "initial family" above. This is to acknowledge that the families in which one starts out can be biological, adopted, or fostered. However, that may not necessarily be the most important family.

Eventually you'll develop a chosen family, and that is the family that actually matters. That's the family that'll reliably be there for you and vice versa. That's the family that'll respect, love, and honor you and your entire being.

Your chosen family is here for you. If you need to talk or reach out, feel free to leave a message in the comments. I may not be part of the family you ultimately choose, but I'm more than happy to be the weird uncle who helped you keep it together until you figured things out. I'll respond as I'm able, unfortunately I need to balance my Cyberplanning with human concerns, but rest assured that I'll be here for you.

Love you and take care,
Kaleb.

<<TRANSMISSION COMPLETE.>>

High end laptop (1989)

Front 242

Nick Kempton

andythomasartist

A Place Between Pines, Florenaux (me), 3D, 2024

https://redd.it/1h1sgdv
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