Also like some interesting mental health observations. I've noticed that especially after the withdrawal I am a lot more capable so to speak? I mean yeah I can think better that's a huge one but even in times of remaining irritability the instinct is to directly attack the problem, this might seem trivial, but it's very much not and extremely hard to do when depression has taken a hold. But like the level of stuff I can do now is just higher. Like I continued part of my assembly course I payed for a year ago today. And I sat there for 6 hours straight just learning, and it wasn't an issue which is profound considering that this is not behavior I have exhibited to this level of effectiveness before. Granted, still some minor issues, while some of the lingering mental effects are gone, I still very much have ADHD and if I somehow have managed to "lock in" and motivate myself to the point where I can function enough to further remove friction to function there still are the physical side effects, there's the typical brain fog here and there but it's more of I have to read the text 5 times to absorb the information. Weird. But the question is if im now suddenly seeming capable of this stuff, and if this capability lasts, what else am I capable of? Like what im doing is so above normal baseline level a year ago I would've thought it was impossible. What changed? Yeah medication and also im turning 24 soon, so biologically my prefrontal cortex is nearing its last stages of development while that sounds cheesy kinda but my ability to be in tune with my fear, my responsibilities, and my wants is much greater and much more accurate. I can properly fear things but at the same time actively manage logically navigating the fear, and the fear itself now puts a reasonable amount of pressure to take the correct actions. Examples include, wayyy less urge to drive above tbe speed limit, before sometimes I would go like 90 which is somewhat normal to be fair but is just not safe at all life is way to fragile to do stuff like that, especially in a 20yr old truck. My fear of the ocean back when I went freediving a few times with my friends is present but not overwhelming. Idk things like responsibility of running a telegram channel related to internet security and safety. Responsibilities in general while still somewhat of a struggle, sometimes have less barrier to entry. I mean like it's been so weird. This has never happened to me before and I have no clue if it will last. I worry it's not and I guess that's okay? I mean what I have done now doesn't seem like a lot to the outside view but internally and how I operate has had a huge shift in general. It's only been a short amount of time though so we'll see where this goes.

It seems too naive

Like reading this back as if I was another person, it just looks kinda cringey but it's honestly what's been happening

The notebook im using to learn assembly btw 👉👈🥺 isn't it cute

DPSS still seems to be a major issue, considering the various circumstances I've had and even strong accountability, I cannot for the love of me hold my sleep schedule still. There's a difference between not wanting to go to bed and being so awake you're unable to fall asleep. My sleep schedule drifts weirdly a few hours every week or so, and this definitely isn't a discipline issue. People who think otherwise are straight up not understanding the severity of the effects at play that are messing up my sleep schedule.

Yeah

Meow btw